Snap!

I have a Honda Civic. If you know anything about Civics, you know they have the highest rate of theft and break-ins. I can attest to that. My poor Civic was broken into yet again, upping the current tally to 4 or 5 times. I'm starting to lose track.

Twice I've had my stereo brutally ripped from the warm womb of my dash.

Twice, possibly thrice; they (the burglars) have been skilled enough to shimmy the door open without causing too much damage and without breaking any windows. They have even been so kind as to leave the heat/AC part of my dash intact so I wouldn't freeze/melt my butt off.

Once, they (the robbers) broke in and didn't notice my brand new black iPod sitting on my seat but took Ryan's ancient 1st generation iPod instead. They also took the time to take all of the change out of the cup holder...a whopping $1.37 or so.

4 or 5 times, they (the crooks) took chargers and other cords and wires for phones, iPods, etc.

Twice, they (the thieves) must have been amateurs because they broke my driver's side window when it is painfully obvious that my car has been broken into before and is and easy to break into because of the previous 2 or 3 break-ins. One of those times it was 1 week before my wedding and they stole my purse out of my trunk. This made things even more stressful since I was making last minute wedding plans without a phone or any of my contacts, not having any credit/debit cards to make last minute purchases (accounts were frozen until my new cards arrived), and having to fix a broken window right when most business were closed for Christmas and New Years.

This last time, they (the jerks) broke my window and searched solely for my face plate in order to steal my stereo; bypassing the skis, snowboard and gear in the back seat, $400 Arctryx ski jacket, and my wedding ring in the glove box. Alas! I out smarted them, and took it inside with me. Although I am pissed that I had to deal with a broken window while visiting Utah for the weekend, I am glad they didn't take any of the other stuff.

Needless to say, I've had a lot of opportunities to fantasize about revenge on these hoodlums. I told my brother John about some of my ideas on our way home from the auto glass shop. We started to collaborate and here is what we came up with.

Scenario 1: Shotgun to the face. Set it up to blast them in the face when they broke into the car.

John said that it was too gruesome and obviously deadly. It wouldn't be very fun to see when walking to your car in the morning. I conceded. It's not worth spending jail time for some hood rat.

Scenario 2: A bear trap. When the jerk breaks the window and reaches in to unlock the door, he would trigger a bear trap that snaps his arm. The bear trap would be too big to fit through the window and he wouldn't be able pry open the steal trap without special tools. Not to mention it would be much too difficult in his disabled state. He would wait there until morning in agony, caught in the act.

John laughed at this and suggested putting in a laugh track that mocked the would be robber as he waited in pain.

Scenario 3: Rattlesnake in the glove box. All thieves open the glove box. What a wonderful surprise to find an angry and venomous rattlesnake ready to strike.

Scenario 3 variations: Rabid raccoon/wolverine/pit bull in the car. Any rabid animal that won't let go of the crook.

John pointed out that all of these scenarios would pose a danger to myself, especially if I were to get in a car accident with a bear trap. I would need one that could be disabled when a key is used to enter the car. He offered this:

Scenario 4: Electrocution/police taser when touching the stereo. When the burglar breaks in and attempts to remove the stereo he would be electrocuted/tasered into unconsciousness. The door or parameter of the car would also be electrified, making it impossible for him to leave the car...thus trapping him until his arrest.

Scenario 5: Tar and feathered. My car would be installed with tiny nozzles that would spray hot tar on the robber when he entered the car. After a quick spray the airbag would deploy a cloud of feathers. Voila! Tarred and feathered.

John then asked me..."Why don't you just get an alarm?"

Probably because I was always too poor and but more likely because I've been too lazy.

Besides, I like the bear trap idea.

Adams Family

Last weekend Ryan and I made the long drive back to Utah to watch one of my best friends marry one of his best friends. It was well worth the drive. It makes me happy that such fantastic people found each other and now Ryan and I have the assurance that they will be in our lives forever because of combined friend forces will make it hard to lose contact. Joy. Congratulations Kristina and Jeff!