Free Two Birds With One Key

13 weeks

2011-12-02T21:49:00.000-08:00

Yay! I'm past my first trimester. I guess I can officially let the cat out of the bag...I'm pregnant! ;)

Tuesday I had another ultrasound. I was nervous and excited, and it ended up being wonderful and amazing.

I was in awe, how in a few short weeks our child went from looking like some sort of alien puppy thing, to an actual baby with an adorable little profile. I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I saw the baby yawn (or take a drink of amniotic fluid). I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with this little peanut. I wish I could watch him/her every day. I can't wait until our next ultrasound at 17 weeks!

Things have been rough for me mentally and emotionally since I am not taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants while I'm pregnant. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper and it gets harder and harder to find ways to cope, or even remain aware of what the situation really is. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I don't like feeling this way, and I start to worry that the chemical imbalance within my body/brain are negatively affecting my growing child. How does depression and anxiety affect a growing fetus? These thoughts then lead to thoughts of whether I'll be able to stay off of meds long enough to breastfeed for a decent amount of time...and if I can't does that mean I have failed? If I don't get a handle on my mental and emotional health quickly after the birth I worry that I will end up being a total train wreck. I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the stress of being a new mom, even though I have been wanting this since I can remember. I don't want to mess this kid up. I don't want to give it any of my baggage...only love and happiness.

Watching the video of our last ultrasound reminds me that despite all of the fear and stress, this little bean is worth it. My heart melts every time I see that profile.

Body Movin'

2011-11-08T10:18:00.000-08:00

I'm pretty much paranoid ALL OF THE TIME. Two weeks ago I started to feel much better. Less tired, emotional, nauseous, congested, and more hydrated. I've even lost the few pounds that I've put on in the last couple of months. All of this happened rather suddenly, which caused me to freak out.

"Okay, what's going on? This doesn't seem right. Everything started so gradually, why would it end so suddenly. Something MUST be wrong."

I called Dr. K and scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday. I would have gone in sooner if I could have. Dr. K tried to reassure me that I was nearing the end of the first trimester and I should start to feel better anyway. I agreed with him, but pointed out how suddenly and how many things had changed. I think it started to make him worry.

Of course, it was just paranoia. The ultrasound was fantastic.

Ryan: "I told you so."

He's always cool as a cucumber. The growing grape was dancing around like Ryan does on stage.

Baby Darton

9w6d, 2.97 cm, HR 172 bpm

Ryan thinks it looks like a puppy. Sometimes I wonder about him. ;)

Heartbeats

2011-10-25T14:55:00.000-07:00

I was so nervous for our first ultrasound. Worried that we would receive the same news as last time. But this time it was only good news!
Our little blueberry has a heartbeat and is actually growing! Ryan insists it's a boy. I honestly don't have any impressions either way, but the more he refers to the blueberry as a boy the more I become convinced it is too. Only time will tell!

Typically I would go in for another ultrasound at week 8 if I had conceived through fertility treatments. Dr. K said I could go ahead and do this if I want to. I'm tempted, but I want to treat this as a normal, healthy pregnancy, which means waiting until week 12 to get another ultrasound. I hope I can hold out and keep my anxiety and my "need to know" at bay.

Until then I can revel in the other confirmations of pregnancy that things are progressing normally: the morning/afternoon/evening sickness, the total exhaustion, the thirst. My boobies are getting slightly bigger, but they are not sensitive yet. I think I'd be okay with it if they don't ever get tender.

I'm not trying to plug for this T.V. I just LOVE this song and the beautiful cinematography of the bouncy balls.

The Waiting Game

2011-10-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

I've been anxious to update with baby news. My repeat test showed that my hcg levels were more than doubling and my progesterone also looked good.

*sigh*

What a relief!

Since then, I've been waiting on pins and needles (literally and figuratively), comparing myself to all the pregnancy "norms". Doing some freaking out here and there if I don't have any symptoms, but then reassured by friends and their experiences. I know everyone's pregnancy is different, but I'd like to be in the "normal" category.

Our first ultrasound is on Thursday and it can't come soon enough. I want more assurance that there really is a baby growing in there...this time with a heartbeat!

According to Dr. K, I could have gone in last week and had my 1st ultrasound to see the heart beat. Even though I'm pretty certain that I am between 6 and 7 weeks, I didn't want to get an ultrasound prematurely and not see a heartbeat. That would send me spiraling out of control on the "Oh No!" and "What If" train.

4 days ago I started to feel the onset of morning sickness. Yahoo! Bleh! (I was getting worried because many women start having it a week or two earlier). I haven't actually tossed my cookies yet, but it's gradually getting worse. It doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it. It can be 3am, 10am, 3pm or just before bed when I feel it. My least favorite is waking up at 3am sick to my stomach. Lack of sleep on top of feeling gross! Saltines seem to the best solution so far, but I have many other recommendations to try out still.

Ryan downloaded a couple of hypnotherapy Mp3's and they seem to work...probably because I fall asleep half way through them. I don't know how that is going to help at work ...it's not like I can lie down and listen to a soothing voice for 45 minutes. :/

Tonight we are trying out a class called, "Managing Discomforts Through Hypnosis." Supposedly it will teach us life long skills to manage stress, pain, nausea, low energy and insomnia. I hope it works! Judging by the successes I've had with alternative medicine, it should!

I recently traded services with my friend Jackie. She is getting married in a few short days and I sewed a few leggings for her brides maids. In return, she has offered to do some additional hypnotherapy with me! She wants me to think about what I want to focus on/address during our session. So many choices! Pregnancy related? Stress related? General well-being? Meditation/affirmations? Anxiety disorder related?

I guess I'll let you in on a little secret that is still taboo to talk about in this day and age. I have an anxiety/depressive disorder and take Zoloft to help me cope with social anxiety, my need to be perfect, and make perfect decisions at all times. Since I found out I am pregnant I've stopped taking Zoloft right away. Studies show that it can cause pulmonary hypertension if taken during the 3rd trimester. I don't want to risk anything by waiting until the 3rd trimester to stop taking Zoloft. The anxiety/depression department has been fairly well behaved since I've stopped taking my meds. I've had a few meltdowns and lash-outs, but it could also be hormonal. I'm learning that I tend to lash out when I have trouble communicating my thoughts and emotions.

Maybe I should focus on peaceful communication in my session with Jackie. I'm sure Ryan would appreciate it. What do you think I should focus on?

Other than that I've been thirsty, exhausted and out of breath. All of which I think are normal. Right?

Things I look forward to:
1st ultrasound
Tender boobies (more assurance that things are going in the right direction)

Things I don't look forward to:
Cooking and washing dishes (Oh the smell!)

Honestly smells haven't been that bad, but enough to keep me away from cooking.

Fun and Games

2011-10-01T14:17:00.000-07:00

Rainbow Bridge

Ryan and I have been doing a fair amount of sneaking out of town this summer. A few weeks ago, we went on the sly to a mini Darton Family reunion in Lake Powell, followed by a mini Merkley Family reunion in Durango, CO. It was 11 days of awesome.

Sitting in a stall at Denny's the morning we arrived at Lake Powell, I was amazed I had managed to do it again. My body was producing clear and stretchy fertility mucous. The lighting wasn't the greatest, but I was pretty certain it was the real deal.

"Ryan, this might be hard to do without everyone knowing what is going on, but we need to make time for some baby making while we are here."

"Really? It's milky?...Okay. Can we wait until tonight after everyone goes to bed?"

"No! It's clear! I don't want to wait until tonight. We need to get started ASAP! I want to give this every opportunity we can to actually happen."

With only a thin piece of fabric separating us from the rest of his family we starting the process of making a baby. ;) We were definitely quiet...maybe too quiet. We tried to be secretive, but it was obvious what we were up to.

"Boy, it sure took you two a long time to change into your swimsuits." snicker, snicker

I tried to hide what was going on, but I gave up after 1 day. It was so much easier to let everyone in on what we were up to and have their support. Besides, I'm a terrible liar. Especially when my mother-in-law and the rest of the family asked very direct questions.

Stephany

Ryan catching some air

Jo, Kate, and MJ with dresses I made for the Darton girls (Raine was sleeping and Fisher doesn't wear dresses). I can't believe I didn't take a family photo of everyone! Tsk, tsk.

We spent the next 11 days water skiing, wake boarding, swimming, lounging, biking, hiking, fishing, playing, riding the train, and gorging on food with both of our families. Full of nieces and nephews and stress free.

On the way to Silverton, CO

Richard, Marshawn, Mom, Dan, Annecy, Ryan, me, Jonas, and John. Where was Erin and Dave? Sophie, Jed and Truman were in school. :(

2 weeks after the clear, stretchy mucous I expected to have my period. Nothing. Was. Happening.

AARRGGHH!

On our way to go road biking I had a melt down.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T MY BODY BE NORMAL? PERHAPS THE TINIEST BIT PREDICTABLE? I JUST WANT A BABY!

I was bawling. Seriously. I got so excited about that clear mucous. I thought that maybe a pattern was starting so we could actually make some progress on this baby business. I was wrong. My body is such a jerk.

"Oh....haha...this is going to be so funny...here have a cycle. But only one! heehee. You haven't had a natural one in 12 years...isn't that funny? Nope, not this month! What? You don't like playing keep away? hehehe. Just because I gave you one in July, doesn't mean you can have one in August too. Hahahaha! You should have seen your face when you had that fertility mucous! HILARIOUS! Even better? When you didn't start your period. You know, you're not very cute when you cry. hahaha!"

Bitch.

I'm grateful for this bitch, because on Thursday morning in resignation I took a pregnancy test, fully expecting negative results and positive confirmation that my body is truly cruel, but instead it came back positive. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Yep. I peed on 5 sticks in disbelief. All of them came back positive. To be fair I didn't trust the first 3 after I noticed a misspelled word on the packaging. Later that morning I had blood work to confirm that I was indeed pregnant.

I AM PREGNANT!!!!

Although I am grateful, my body can still be a bitch. That very night I started spotting and had some mild cramping.

I flipped out.

NO NO NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NO!

Sobbing, I called my Fertility MD, Naturopathic MD, acupuncturist, mom, sister, brother, best friend. Dr. K and Dr. W agreed that taking progesterone to help keep the baby was a good idea even though my blood work earlier that day "looked good", but it wouldn't ultimately prevent a miscarriage if that is what my body wanted to do. I had the opportunity to go in yesterday to have more labs done, but I decided not to send my mind into a tailspin.

Last time my numbers weren't increasing how Dr. K wanted them to and said the pregnancy was abnormal. Following his advice, the pregnancy was terminated. Since then, I have tortured myself about that decision after finding a website filled with stories about women in similar or IDENTICAL situations that decided to trust their intuition and bodies and then went on to have healthy babies. I don't want to go through that again.

We said a heartfelt prayer.

PEACE.

I don't feel worried. I am taking the progesterone. The bleeding and cramping has stopped. On Monday I'll have more labs drawn to make sure my hormone levels are increasing properly. If it turns out for the worst, the silver lining is that I was able to do this without heavy duty hormones. Hopefully I will have success again. I don't look forward to another game of keep away, but something is definitely working!

Praise the Lord and the Chinese!

Dog Days of Summer

2011-09-29T20:58:00.000-07:00

Last month was dry. No clear mucous. No bleeding. Just the usual. Ugh! The guessing game all over again.

Was July a rare event?
Did we miss some cosmic alignment?
Wait, J, don't think this way.
At least something happened or is happening right?
It WAS different.
But, WHY was it different?
Was it some residual effect of fertility treatments and OHSS?
Why can't things be easy?
Everyone and their dog is pregnant around me...
ARRRGH!

It has been hard hearing about others good news. Seeing pregnant bellies get rounder as due dates get closer. Especially if the due dates were close to when I had been due. I am truly excited for all of my pregnant friends, but it doesn't mean I don't feel a sense of loss...a void that is just waiting to be filled. I feel I deserve the same. I want my Christmas baby.

Is it time to jump back on the fertility roller coaster? It's only been 4 months. Gillian told me not to expect any results for at least 9! That feel like forever.

PATIENCE!

I've been making progress and need to give my body some time to adjust to everything. I've been making a lot of changes and doing a lot of work.

*Acupuncture every week, sometimes twice. Luckily my insurance covers acupuncture with a co-pay.
*Powdered Traditional Chinese Medicine (TMC) herbs 3 times a day. *shiver* They are nasty and make me gag most of the time. Gillian changed the original formula (think flying squirrel feces) since I had a cycle. I am now on a bi-phasic formula...a progesterone formula followed by an estrogen formula
*Read Tao of Fertility and follow many of the recommendations. Ryan and I love this book. The best way to describe it is that it is gentle, compassionate even. It is not overwhelming and it inspires.
*Multiple supplements prescribed by Dr. Woodyard (formerly Dr. Christensen) that help with a mineral deficiency (potassium), lack of energy, headaches, digestion, and hormones.
*Adhere to a specialized diet based on a blood sample.
*Gentle exercise. I still get my heart rate up (road biking), I just make sure it isn't jarring (running).

In July, I sent Dr. W a small blood sample (the size of nickle) on a piece of of paper. She ran some sort of tests on it and determined what food intolerance's I have. Now, this is NOT the same as food allergies. Basically, my body uses too much energy to process certain foods and in effort have enough energy to process those foods for nutrients it robs different organs of that energy...namely, my ovaries. Food intolerance's are different for everyone...my diet restrictions may not be beneficial for anyone else. This also means if I slip up or allow myself a cheat day (Fridays) I don't get sick...I just punch myself in the ovaries a little bit. For the most part I've been really good about the diet and I am about 90-95% compliant. That is pretty damn good once you see what my restrictions are!

ABSOLUTELY NO DAIRY....WHAT??? That is my favorite food group! I live off of dairy. Yogurt, cereal, cheese, cottage cheese...it's my "go to" food. This means anything that CONTAINS dairy too. No cake, pastries, non-dairy creamer (yes, this has a dairy derivative in it), and most chocolate! Luckily Almond, Rice, Coconut, and Soy milk are great substitutes. I'm partial to Almond. I've found an almond yogurt (Amande- beware the photoshop is really bad) that is fruit juice sweetened, and an incredible coconut milk ice cream (So Delicious and Coconut Bliss) that don't use cane/refined sugars.

NO FRUIT WITH SUGAR COMBINATIONS...HUH??? What does that mean??? I can have fruit and I can have sugar, but I CAN'T have them together. They need to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. No homemade jam. No pie. No fruit flavored candy. No Jamba Juice. No soda(cola has essential fruit oils). It will boggle your mind how many foods have fruit and sugar together! Instead, I can have honey, maple syrup, maple sugar, agave, brown rice syrup and coconut nectar with fruit. It takes a little bit more money and a lot more time, but there are definitely options out there.

NO EGG WITH GRAINS COMBINATIONS??? Again, they have to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. Holy hell. Scratch pastries, cakes, cookies, breakfast burritos, restaurant omelets, and certain breads off the list. I could make you crazy listing everything that has eggs or has something derived from eggs in it.

I has been a challenge, but I'm proud of how compliant I've been. I don't get too nit picky about milk and egg derivatives. I just pay attention to the most obvious. I've actually been surprised by how many decent and delicious options DO exist (thank you Whole Foods). I probably consume less calories because I am now sans dairy, but I don't eat less food. I've started to loose my pouch that has been impossible to get rid of, and I seem to have fewer mood swings (per Ryan) and more sustained energy.

Following this regimen has kept me pretty busy. Hopefully it will set the stage for something GRAND.

What The What The?

2011-08-10T11:39:00.000-07:00

Some very interesting events happened last month.

*** CAUTION GRAPHIC CONTENT BELOW ***

I'VE OVULATED!

At least I'm pretty certain I did. Here's the scoop.

I returned home from a night shift and was using the toilet before bed when I noticed I had produced a great big stretchy glob of *clear* mucous.

So.

So??! This is something very different for me. I only have milky white mucous. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was different for me...and I knew it was normal, not some nasty infection of some kind. Ew. Excited, I yelled for Ryan to come and look. Nothing is private in our house. He gave me a smug look and said, "Told you Chinese Medicine would work." I told him that we don't know what this means yet, and it might not mean anything. I finished my business and Googled "clear vaginal discharge" and learned that it was fertility mucous! Women produce this when they are ovulating.

We didn't waste any time (wink, wink).

Of course the skeptic in me said, "Maybe the herbs I'm taking caused my mucous to change and I didn't really ovulate. I'll really know if I actually bleed."

Over the next 2 weeks I felt occasional cyst-like sensations. The best way to describe it would be that it feels like someone is pinching my ovaries. Hard.

2 weeks after noticing the clear mucous I bled. Holy, holy. I just had a cycle! I couldn't believe it. I texted all of my girl friends. This hasn't happened in over a decade! This is huge! Of course I would rather have that wink, wink pay off, but this is a huge step in the right direction.

During this time Dr. L had me measure my basal body temp to see if it fluctuated even though I don't bleed. My temperature chart correlated pretty closely with my cycle. Incredible!

I'm trying not to get too hopeful that it will happen again this month or regularly for that matter. Before my periods stopped all-together they were always irregular, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times

2011-07-01T01:23:00.000-07:00

I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.

I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!

Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.

BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!

I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.

People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"

Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.

I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.

Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.

I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.

My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.

My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.

I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!

Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.

You're the Prayer Inside Me...

2011-06-08T21:01:00.000-07:00

I wasn't completely honest in my last post. Two days after the Ragnar Relay Race, it was time to take the home pregnancy test again. I had been disappointed in the past I didn't want to watch the stick develop and have my heart sink. Instead I turned it face down and let it develop for 10 minutes before I turned it over with Ryan beside me.

*gasp*

It was positive!!! I was shocked. Speechless. Is it for real?

Although I had just come home from a long night shift, we headed back to the hospital for blood work confirming the pregnancy. I slept in fits waiting for Dr. K to call me with the results.

*gasp*

It was positive!!!

I don't think I really believed it would work this cycle. I didn't have the hope that I had last cycle. It didn't seem real. I wanted to tell the world, but it was still early and everyone says you should wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag...just in case.

The next night I was in so much pain I texted Dr. K and he told me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound. He confirmed that I had OHSS. Since I was pregnant, Dr. K informed me that it could take weeks to months for the swelling in my belly to go down and it might get worse before it gets better. By that time, I might have a baby bump anyway! He told me to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. Take work off if I needed to. An ultrasound was scheduled two weeks later to see the heart beat. I was so EXCITED!

Was it because of the acupuncture?

Was it because my ovaries were overstimulated?

Was it because I wasn't working much these last few weeks?

Was it because I'm not as stressed?

I told my Nurse Manager the good news and showed her my bulging belly. It was pretty obvious how painful it was. Luckily work was slow and she was able to take me off the schedule for the week. The following week I was on call and never got called in. 2 weeks to take it easy...was NOT easy!! I was bored out of my brains but couldn't stand for very long and got winded going up the stairs. I was literally in bed for most of those 2 weeks. It felt like torture and was in a world of hurt.

When I did go back to work people were suspicious. Co-workers commented that I had a "glow" and many asked how the fertility treatments were going...trying to pry information out of me. A few were bold enough to ask outright if I was pregnant. I laughed and told them, "I hope so!"

It still didn't feel real, but sometimes I remembered that there was a little person starting to grow inside me. I would whisper sweet things to this little being. Tell it all that I hoped for... trying to ignore and hide my fears. I started a list of names, I spent hours finding websites, and checked out half the library.

Ryan met after a night shift for the 6 week ultrasound to see the heartbeat. He was so excited, he brought the camera. Dr. K put the gel on my swollen belly, and worked his way around my huge ovaries. The excitement faded quickly.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

Dr. K apologized and told us that the embryonic sac was much too small for how far along I was and he didn't see a heartbeat. It was an abnormal pregnancy and possibly ectopic. I would most likely miscarry, but they would draw labs to make sure.

I was numb.

Based on my Hcg levels when we confirmed pregnancy at 2 weeks, my Hcg should now be 25,000. It doubles every other day. My Hcg levels were only 875. Dr. K told me I should stop taking the progesterone to allow for a miscarriage.

What if something crazy happened. Since I had so many follicles that were borderline, is it possible that I ovulated later? What if I was pregnant, but it didn't take and I ovulated a few days later and a new egg implanted....

What if...

What if...

What if...

I wasn't ready to let go of something I had worked so hard for, and suffered so much pain for. Dr. K let me wait two more days and do follow up blood work to see if my Hcg levels would double like they should. My Hcg levels two days later were barely over 1,000 when it should have been at least 1,750.

Was it because of the Ibuprofen?

Was it because I ran the race?

Was it because I took Ex-Lax?

Was it because I took a suppository?

I stopped taking the progesterone and waited to start bleeding. It was Mother's Day weekend as well as my birthday and we had plans to go camping. Dr. K was concerned that I wouldn't be near civilization if anything were to happen, but I wanted needed to get away for a few days. Maybe I'm a little dramantic (romantic + dramatic), but I wanted to bury my little one in the beauty of nature rather than have it flushed down the toilet.

I didn't bleed.

Since my ovaries were still gigantic, they were producing high levels of progesterone and keeping the pregnancy. I would need to take medications for force a miscarriage, otherwise the embryonic sac would continue to grow and would result in a more painful and traumatic miscarriage later. What if I wasn't supposed to miscarry? What if it really was a viable pregnancy? I didn't want to miscarry unless I absolutely knew that this was an abnormal pregnancy. Dr. K. scheduled another ultrasound. I was now 7 weeks pregnant.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

I picked up my prescription and inserted the 4 pills. The cramps started within an hour and lasted 36. It was several hours until I started to bleed, followed by 2 weeks of severe depression.

I cried as bled into the toilet.

Do I have a hostile uterus?

Are my eggs poor quality?

What is wrong with me?

I cried when I flushed my prayer, my hope, my heart.

Once upon a time I was pregnant...

You're a Poem of Mystery

2011-05-17T21:38:00.000-07:00

The last 6 weeks have been rough for me. This last round of fertility treatments has done a huge number on my body. A little recap...

My follicles were a little sluggish responding to the medication, growing slowly and requiring larger doses. It seemed that there wasn't a follicle that wanted to take the lead, so we just kept plugging along and increasing the dose or the number of days I took a certain dose. Till the bitter end, not one claimed the leadership role. Finally I had 3 that were large (mature) enough to release an egg, the problem was that I had no less than 6 and possibly 9 others that were borderline mature and could possibly ovulate as well. Dr. K reiterated the risk of having multiples, but we again hedged our bets since we've faced that risk before and come up empty handed. We decided to go for it and did the insemination.

That weekend I went with a group of girls to San Diego where we spent our days relaxing and being lazy. It was refreshing and a little alien to not have anything to do. However I was feeling a little self conscious next to these beautiful twiggy girls since I was noticeably bloated. I didn't think too much of it and it seemed to go away once I got back to L.A.

The following weekend was Ragnar. Ryan and I had been training (not too intensely) for this 200 mile relay race for the past several months. We were excited and admittedly nervous. Neither of us had ever done a race before, but we heard it is a lot of fun and less about running than it is about the experience. We borrowed vans from Toy Bombs and Gardner and decked them out in true Rompompachop (our team name) style. Everything was green light go...except for my belly. I was bloated again! It was even worse this time!

My first leg I prepared by taking popping 800mg of Ibuprofen before my run to muscle through the pain and avoid any headaches that I'm notorious for. Things went fairly well, but something definitely had to be done about my gas because Gas-X wasn't working. At least that's what I thought was causing the bloating. Maybe I was constipated and the gas couldn't get through the road block.

Before my next leg, we stopped by the store and bought some Ex-Lax, and suppositories. I would flush it out and be good to go! The Ex-Lax worked like a charm and I felt 75% better. I was able to rest comfortably before our next leg. I spoke too soon! By the time it was my turn to run, I was bloated again! Good thing it was a shorter leg. I popped another 600mg Ibupofen and was on my way.

Next solution...the dreaded suppository. It worked to say the least and I felt a bit better, but not was well as after the Ex-Lax. There is no possible way that anything was blocking gas from getting out now, but I was STILL bloated! I was so bloated that I was short of breath and looked more and more square. Although painful, I popped another 400mg Ibuprofen and suffered through my last leg to the end without adding too much to my anticipated time.

We finished the race behind schedule, but with high spirits. It was a lot of fun and would do it again next year...as long as I'm not bloated.

As it turns out it wasn't gas. Remember OHSS? Yep. This time it was for real. Yeah, last time I was pretty much a wimp. This time it was the real deal. I kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I called Dr. K. at 1:30am because it was so painful I couldn't sleep and I was having a hard time breathing. He scheduled an ultrasound the next morning and it confirmed that it was indeed OHSS and my ovaries were 5"x7"....or the size of oranges. They were so large that they were pressing on my innards and diaphragm and making it hard for me to breathe. Sure breathing was a concern, but a bigger concern was making sure my ovaries didn't twist on themselves and cut off blood circulation, essentially killing the ovary. I also had to carefully monitor my fluid balance. When ovaries are that large they get "leaky" and leak fluid into the abdomen (ascites) which is very painful and can cause electrolyte imbalances that need to be corrected in the hospital. If I collected too much fluid too quickly in my abdomen they would have to aspirate some of the fluid out with a needle....Yikes! At this point Dr. K told me to take it easy and limit my physical activity and avoid Ibuprofen. Wait. WHAT?! I just ran a race! I told him that we had just finished a race not more than 36 hours earlier and I was popping ibuprofen like it was candy and his facial expression was the equivalent of him shitting his pants. The average person wouldn't pick up on it because Doctors are masters at masking emotion (it's part of the job), but being a nurse I have developed a keen awareness to subtle twitches and stiffness that betrays the calm they portray. I knew it was pretty serious by his response.

Apparently if you are attempting to become or already are pregnant you should stay clear of Ibuprofen. I did not know this...and I'm a nurse! What the hell? Is this common knowledge? I asked around the unit at work, and not a single person knew this...unless they had recently been pregnant and only because their OB/GYN gave them a list of meds to stay away from. Geez it would have been nice to know BEFORE hand that Ibuprofen is a no no! Before anyone gets on their high horse about how I should have known better or looked it up in Drug Handbook...I'm sorry I don't have time to look up every medication, and I thought my MD would for sure give me a list of medications to avoid, especially since I've asked before if there was anything I should stay away from.

As far as the swelling was concerned, Dr. K could only recommend Tylenol and heat packs. If the pregnancy test was negative they could give me a medication for it to go down more quickly, but if I ended up pregnant then I was looking forward to having a swollen belly for weeks to months.

No working for me for a couple of weeks. Good thing it was slow at work and I kept getting called off.

I could hardly breathe, gained 10 lbs of water weight, was in a lot of pain and looked 6 months pregnant. This better be worth it!

That was the first 2 weeks....

Not Everything Around Here is Doom and Gloom...

2011-04-20T16:36:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I get to smile...a lot. I'm sure it sounds like we are (I am) always struggling, and sure we have our moments of frustration, but we also have a lot of fun and plenty of reasons to be thankful.

We ventured with some friends to the Golden Dragon Parade in Chinatown to celebrate the Year of the Rabbit. It was amazing and I was surprised at how relatively uncrowded it was! I bought a confetti blaster and scared the crap out of a float of beauty queens when I blasted the confetti over them like a bazooka. Later we enjoyed some great conversation over oodles of noodles. ;)

We also had a chance ... or more correctly, we took a chance and sneaked away to Durango, CO for a long weekend. It was just what I needed! I was getting pretty burned out at work and being around family, especially my nephews and niece completely recharged my batteries. They are pretty much the most adorable kids in the world, and I love them so hard.

We pulled into town around 6 am and Dave and Erin let us snuggle in bed with them until the kids woke up. Jonas, the youngest, likes to crawl into their bed first thing in the morning and have snuggle time. By the end of our stay, he only wanted to snuggle with Ryan. I have to admit I was a bit jealous. Ryan is always the superstar.

While we were there Ryan was able to go snowmobiling while I helped Erin wrangle the kids and pass out Valentines. The next day the whole family went skiing at Purgatory, aka Durango Mountain Resort. We were so impressed! Those kidlets really know how to ski, even 3 year old Jonas was cruising down the double blue's with the help of Erin or Dave. We ate like it was Thanksgiving and then relaxed in the hot tub in the winter air. The boys were brave enough to roll in the snow a bit and jump back in, and we all were impressed when Jonas swam around the hot tub.

Not only did we get a good hike in, but we also saw Jed in his musical performance at school! We love those kids and can't wait until we see them again!

On our way back we stopped at the Grand Canyon to take in the view. I had never been and it was breathtaking. I would love to go back and do some legitimate hiking/backpacking. We were short on time, so we zipped around the rim and back down to the highway to L.A.

Within the last month I was able to spend some much needed time with my good friend Jamie. I did a 24 hour vacation in San Diego and we hiked to a beautiful and freezing waterfall and then drove the lazy, winding roads through pastoral country to the town of Julian where they specialize in pie. I was in heaven! I also learned what it meant to "do a solid". Where have I been? Am I getting so old that I can't keep up with the lingo?
Later, I accompanied Jamie on a trip to Reno, NV...narrowly avoiding death on a slippery highway thanks to my superb snow driving skills, to watch her niece and nephews while her brother and his wife enjoyed a little escape. What? Babysitting your friends family sounds boring, but it wasn't! It was a blast. Those little guys were full of personality and energy...let's just say I had to use my skills as a nurse more than once! It was like having little brothers and sisters of my own. We had so much fun teasing each other. We blazed our own sledding paths on some super steep hills...and managed to have only ONE injury! I took a half day of my own and went snowboarding down narrow chutes and wide open runs in 2 feet of fresh powder...every run. I got worked! On our looooooong journey (5 hours to go 15 miles) back, Jamie and I went snowshoeing half way around a reservoir. The sun was spectacular on the untouched and quiet snow. Nevada was good to me.

See? Not everything is doom and gloom.

Strike Three

2011-02-26T19:18:00.001-08:00

*Sigh*

I've had a hard time getting up the energy to blog about this again, but I guess I want to document my journey. Maybe one day in the future (hopefully with a baby in my arms), I'll be able to look back and say, "Whew, I'm sure glad that's over. It was worth it, but man that was a bumpy ride."

Here's the skinny....

Since I responded almost too well to 75 IU of Follistim last round, Dr. K. had me start with 50 IU this round. 3 days and an ultrasound later, I had produced a lot of little follicles, but none of them were nearly the size they should have been. Dr. K. bumped the dose up to 75 IU for 2 days with an ultrasound to follow. *grumble* Now the ultrasound showed a lot of medium sized follicles, but none had "taken the lead" or were big enough to ovulate yet. So Dr. K. had me do 2 more days with 75 IU with another ultrasound to follow.

The next ultrasound showed I had a lot of large-ish follicles, but none were quite ready to ovulate again! Dr. K. decreased my Follistim dose to 37.5 IU for two days with an ultrasound to follow in hopes that a few of the follicles would finally be ready to ovulate.

By this time I could really feel it. By it I mean it was painful. It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the ovaries. Essentially they were like expanding balloons, stretching tighter and tighter. It hurt to run, it hurt to stretch, I was bloated, had diarrhea, nausea and the beginnings of a nasty headache that would last a week. Remember OHSS? I pretty much had mild/moderate symptoms of OHSS and it sucked big time.

Back at Dr. K's office I had not one, two, three, even four follicles taking the lead, I had a lot of huge-ish follicles that could potentially ovulate. I think he counted 4 follicles that would definitely ovulate and 6 more that might ovulate. Dr. K. filled us in on the potential risks (multiples) with proceeding with the IUI and gave us the option of abstaining this round. It felt like such a waste to sit this one out. A waste of money, time, and discomfort if we didn't do it. I didn't want my suffering to have been for nothing...I wanted to go for it. Theoretically we had 3-4 eggs last time that didn't "take"...maybe we would be increasing our odds.

To spare me some of the rage, Dr. K. cut my progesterone dose in half for the first five days. Ryan and I were sneaky and took a short trip to Durango to visit my sister and her family. I totally expected to feel a little bit of rage while I was there and even worried I might get short tempered with my niece and nephews, but I didn't.

Sadly, my progesterone levels after 5 days weren't high enough so Dr. K. bumped me back up to 200mg Progesterone twice a day. I expected to Hulk out on the higher dose, but I didn't. I actually felt pretty good, normal even. My ovaries weren't hurting any more, I wasn't bloated or nauseous, and my headache was gone. Finally!

As you can tell from the picture above, I took the pregnancy test on 2/22 and it was negative. WTF is an understatement. Are my eggs bad? Is my lining healthy? What is going on? Do I have a hostile uterus? I want some answers. We had felt really good about this round since I had so many follicles and didn't Hulk out. It was really hard seeing the result come back negative for a third time.

Tomorrow I am trying acupuncture for infertility. There are currently several research studies going on that have shown some favorable results. Maybe when East meets West I'll get lucky.

Rinse, Repeat

2011-01-23T10:30:00.001-08:00

Crazy

2011-01-19T09:00:00.000-08:00

I wish I could imbed the Official video...

Truthfully, I don't think I've ever had PMS, or it was so long ago that I don't remember what it is like. This is logical considering I don't menstruate and my progesterone levels have proven to be low. However, this doesn't get me off the hook. This means is that I can't blame any of my bitchiness on PMS. No scapegoat for me. Yep. I can be a bitch. For no reason at all (I'm sure I feel like there is a good reason at the time, but there usually isn't).

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about doubting the power of hormones and subsequently PMS. Whoa! I've been humbled during the infertility process and I am in awe at how intricate and amazing the human body is and what a delicate system it is. One deficient chemical and the whole baby making process fails. I am in awe yet again.

Lemme splain.

After the IUI, Dr. K. put me on 200mg Prometrium twice a day to keep my lining thick for implantation. Progesterone is an enigma...or maybe snake oil. Take your pick. I've read that it causes cancer, prevents cancer, treats menopause, initiates menses, prevents miscarriage, controls PCOS, clears skin, treats migraines as well as PMS. Some people have a wonderful time on progesterone. It increases their sex drive, helps them sleep, improves their mood, etc. However, progesterone has a dark side for some people... irritability, bloating, depression, dizziness, shortness of breath, headaches, anxiety, and on and on and on....

I've reached a whole new level of crazy with Prometrium. The dose may be higher than what an average woman produces, but nonetheless I feel like I have some serious roid rage of the Incredible Hulk variety. Throwing the fridge off the balcony kind of crazy.

Thankfully I am aware of it and don't act on theses urges, but it is incredibly frustrating to be so angry for no apparent reason. Poor Ryan. I've found I start to feel better when I talk it out, but I'm sure my rants are not fun for the listener. I try to keep myself in check and if I feel the hot rage bubbling up I try to keep my mouth shut and seek some solitude. Sometimes I think the self isolation makes the frustration even worse, but I don't know which is better.

If it turns out I am pregnant (test is this Sunday) I am supposed to keep taking progesterone for 8 more weeks! I don't know if I can handle 8 more weeks of crazy, so I called Dr. K. If I am pregnant we will reevaluate my natural progesterone levels and hopefully reduce the dose...if we can.

You might want to include Ryan's survival in your prayers for us.

Do you think Ryan would get me a Great Sword for Valentines Day?

Beautiful Sunday

2011-01-07T15:51:00.000-08:00

Hey, hey, hey it's a beautiful day...

The ultrasounds this morning looked promising with one follicle at 20mm, two at 16mm, and another at 15mm (we want them bigger than 14mm). My blood test showed that I'm not "surging" which means I'm not ovulating on my own. My estrogen levels are good, but for what ever reason my progesterone and LH are still low. This is probably why we have fertility problems. Maybe I'm able to create follicles, but I don't surge. My lining is 12-14mm (we want at least 7mm). It's nice and luxurious...perfect for a little blastocyst to snuggle down into. :)

Instead of my daily injections, tonight at 10:30pm I inject HCG to make me surge. Our IUI is scheduled for 9:30am Sunday morning!

Keep crossing your fingers, sending energy, and saying prayers!

If at First You Don't Succeed...

2011-01-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

We are trying again.

Since my previous round of Clomid and IUI didn't succeed and I had significant visual side effects, I can't continue to take Clomid. Following an ultrasound which showed a lot of small follicles and a blood draw for my estrogen levels, Dr. K prescribed Follistim. Things looked pretty good so Dr. K gave me to "go ahead" to start daily Follistim injections at a low dose of 75 IU. The injections really aren't bad. The sticker shock of $600 for two vials was MUCH worse.

After 3 days I went back in for another blood draw to check my estrogen levels. Too high, too high! Dr. K explained that women with PCOS have a very narrow therapeutic range with FSH injections and even a small amount can over stimulate the ovaries. If they are over stimulated the chances of becoming another octomom go up and so does the risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS)...which can be, but is rarely deadly. Yikes. We toned it down a notch and he had me reduce my injection amount to 37.5 IU each day for the next two days.

Today I went back for another ultrasound and estrogen level check. What we want to see are a few big follicles instead of a lot of little follicles. Yay! I have 2 follicles that are right where we want them and 2 more that are nearly there. That means I possibly have 4 follicles...or eggs (if they all release) that could fertilize and implant. Exciting! Although I DON'T want quadruplets or even triplets, it is exciting to know that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing! I have hope for this round. Honestly, with the last round I wasn't too hopeful since my lining was so thin, but this time I have 4 follicles AND my lining is thicker!

For the next 2 days I continue with the 37.5 IU injections and go back in for another blood draw and/or ultrasound on Friday. If things still look good then I will inject HCG to create a LH surge and do the IUI on Sunday! Looks like I might have enough Follistim for another round at this low dose. I wonder what the shelf life is if this round works. Hmmm....

Keep your fingers, toes, and eyes crossed! Say your prayers and send your energy!

Please and THANK YOU!

Don't Stop Belizing!

2011-01-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know this is a little late coming, but I guess I wanted to brag a little bit about our Thanksgiving vacation to Belize.

We put fertility treatments on hold and took a precious two week vacation that was long overdue. I have been bugging Ryan for the last year to travel or go backpacking but apartment managing makes it tough (nearly impossible) to go anywhere.

We met up with my sister Erin, her husband Dave, and my mom and step-dad Richard in San Pedro on Ambergris Caye. San Pedro is small...very small...verging on tiny. So it was a little funny when we got off the boat to find taxis lined up offering to drive us 2 blocks to the airport, hotel, or store. I'm not so lazy that I can't walk a little. At first it was annoying, but then I started to feel sorry for them...awful actually. I don't know if any of you suffer from this, but I have this unnatural sense of guilt when I feel others are struggling. I could probably go broke from panhandlers, tipping waiters, etc. We spent the next few days scuba diving, hitting the karoke bar and stuffing our faces with lobster quesadillas, tortillas and coconut shakes.

Sunrise

Catching a few more z's before hopping on the dive boat

I love Ricky's hat

Sharks, RN!

The Blue Hole

Notice all the coconut shakes?

I forgot the name of this game, but essentially if the chicken poops on your number you win!
If you shake the chicken and blow on it's bum helps make it poop...so they say.

Our next stop was San Ignacio to visit the ATM cave where ancient Mayan offered food and human sacrifices. Then it started to rain. And rain. According to the locals it was a mild rain, but to this Utah native it was a downpour! All of the rain made it too dangerous to go into the cave since it is a "wet" cave where you have to swim in many spots. Boo! We hedged our bets hoping that the rain would stop within the next few days so we could venture into the cave. While the rest of my family took a bus across the border to Tikal (Guatemala), Ryan and I visited a near-ish dry cave with Mayan artifacts. We were hoping to do some cave tubing, but those caves were flooded too. Instead we headed to a cenote for a swim (Ryan) in the roiling brown water.

Mmmm! Termites taste like carrots!

The rain didn't stop, so we all pitched in and rented a car which cost about the same as all of us paying for bus fare and would give us more freedom. We drove nearly all the way back to Belize City to go zip-lining. It was so much fun flying through the trees. I wish L.A. offered zip-lining as a form of alternate transportation.

Rio Frio Cave

Rio on Pools

The rain lightened, but it didn't stop. We took the car for another day and drove to some waterfalls, swam at Rio on Pools (my favorite), and hiked through Rio on Frio cave. The rain had pretty much stopped, but my family was scheduled to leave the next day and it looked like we wouldn't be able to see the caves. Boo! As luck would have it one of the tour operators did a special 6am tour into the caves just for us! The water was still high so we had to do a lot of swimming. The cave was better than I remembered.

The Crystal Maiden

We made it out of the caves with time to spare to have lunch before saying our good-byes. Ryan and I headed back to San Ignacio and visited the Iguana zoo. Some locals have a taste for iguana eggs and meat and the population has suffered. This zoo breads them and introduces them into the wild.

The following day we took the bus to Placencia, a small beach town on a peninsula in the south. We did a couple more dives and spent Thanksgiving and the rest of our trip lounging around on the beach, eating loads of tortillas, gellato and lobster. Our dive master took us lobster fishing and cooked us up tasty curry lobster quesadillas. Mmmm...

This is me

2010-10-07T10:53:00.000-07:00

FAIL

Intrigued by the infertility process? Want to better understand what we are going through? I found a blog written by a woman going through the same process. She does a fantastic job explaining all of the details and how technical it can be. Check it out here.

Wars Waged and Battles Fought

2010-10-06T17:00:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this post for a long time, and how I was going start. I'm having a hard time putting my emotions into words, and perhaps it is because it is something close to my heart.

I want a baby. I'm not talking about your usual want, like when you want a doughnut or a new pair of shoes. Sometimes I think I even NEED those things, because I CRAVE them. No, this want is deeper, a more visceral want. It's something that I ache for, my heart aches for.

My nephew Jonas Hughes

We "trying" to get pregnant, but before you start congratulating us and wishing us the best (I still need your well wishes though), this is not the usual trying. It's not the kind where you toss out your birth control and start paying attention to ovulation calendars, basal temperatures etc. Oh how I wish it were that easy!! We are "trying" with medical interventions.

Back Story:
I remember walking with my friend Sarah H. when we were 9-ish discussing what our future husbands would look like, what qualities they would have, what type of profession they would have, how old we wanted to be when we got married, how many children we wanted and the ratio of girls and boys. I told her that I wouldn't be able to have children. She looked at me and said, "How do you know?" I replied, "I just have a feeling." I wanted 6 (3 or 4 is plenty), I think she wanted 4. I really did have that feeling and it worried me. It still worries me. Was it pessimism, self fulfilling prophecy or premonition? Could I really have been that in tune at that age?

I was relieved when I finally came of age and "became a woman" at nearly 16 (16 or later, as a rule of thumb indicates abnormalities). All of my friends had come of age years earlier. I was a late bloomer by medical standards. Even after I had my first menses, things didn't go smoothly. No monthly visits for me. They were all over the place. Every so often I would have sharp pains in my abdomen. Although I didn't know what it was at the time, I could tell it had something to do with my ovaries. It felt like they were in a vice and someone was jabbing them with a large sharp needle. The pain never lasted too long so I didn't worry much about it. At 18, my general physician suggested I start birth control in hopes to kick start my body onto a regular cycle. I stayed on it for a few years and at 21 decided to see if my body had finally gotten a clue on how to do it properly.

A year went by...nothing. Not a drop.

Friends tell me that I am lucky. No cramps, bloating, I'm saving money, etc., but for me it meant I wasn't normal. I want to be normal...at least in this area.

I went to see a recommended OB/GYN. He drew some blood, did an exam and said, "Well, I think you have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, but I can't be certain because your hormone levels are within normal limits and you don't fit the typical profile of a woman with PCOS." Nervously I asked him if I was infertile. He said, "We won't be able to tell that until you start trying to get pregnant, but I can tell you that you are going to need help. The pain you are having is probably ovarian cysts that have ruptured. In the meantime, you need to keep your uterus healthy by shedding your lining every month with birth control. It will also help prevent additional cysts from growing." A trip to the ER (to rule out appendicitis) confirmed PCOS.

Currently:

Since we've been married we haven't been preventing, and more recently we have been actively "trying". In March I saw an Endocrinologist who put me on 500mg Metformin (diabetic medication that can also stimulate ovualtion in women PCOS) every day in hopes that it would stimulate my body to start ovulating. To my excitement, I started to have breast tenderness. Was Metformin the answer? After 3 months, still no period and the tenderness went away and hasn't been back. In May, she bumped it up to 1,000mg. In June, she bumped the dose to 1,500mg and she gave me a referral for a Fertility Specialist. In July, I was taking 2,000mg Metformin but even that wasn't working. It was time to take it to the next level. In August my Fertility Specialist added 50mg Clomid every day to the mix hoping to stimulate an egg follicle to grow. For a review on how complex ovulation really is click here. After 8 days and the start of intense hot flashes we did an ultrasound to see if anything was happening...nothing. My doctor increased my dose to 100mg every day plus the Metformin. 8 more days later and another ultrasound...follicles!!! They weren't /mature or big enough yet though. They needed to double in size. We came back 3 days later for another ultrasound...no growth. He increased the dose to 150mg Clomid and 2,000mg Metformin. 8 days later and after experiencing blurred vision and tracers in addition to the horrible hot flashes, the ultrasound showed 2 follicles that had "taken the lead" and were the appropriate size and ready to ovulate. SUCCESS!!!

Hold you're horses.

That is just the beginning. Now I had the follicles, but I still needed to release the egg, have it fertilized, and hope that it it implants. To ensure that the follicles launch the eggs (I might have released 2) I had to give myself a shot. We wanted to increase our chances of success, so 36 hours later Ryan gave a sperm sample *cough* that was washed, spun down and concentrated. An hour after the sample as given, I was artificially inseminated. We had homework too. For the next 3 days we needed to "get busy".

Now we wait.

Well, I do more than just wait. I still have to take the Metformin and Progesterone in addition to prenatal vitamins. Unfortunately, higher the doses of Clomid mean the thinner your uterine lining becomes. Eggs want thick luxurious lining to nestle down into. Progesterone helps build this lining. I was on near max dose of Clomid and because of my visual side effects, I won't be able to try it again. Vision is too closely connected to the brain and they don't want to take any chances. Good thing those 2 follicles were ready to go, otherwise we'd be back to square one.

After 2 weeks of waiting I take a pregnancy test to see if it actually worked.

I'm scared. What if it doesn't work? I've tried to keep myself emotionally distant so if it doesn't work I won't be completely heartbroken. I've always planned on adopting , so I have a back up plan, but in my heart of hearts I REALLY want this to happen. I want to feel my belly grow, and feel a little person moving inside. The process is so tedious and technically structured when you can't conceive naturally. Because of this, I've realized how special and miraculous having a baby truly is! There are SO many things that need to happen just to get pregnant let alone produce a healthy child (those are a whole new set of fears). If it doesn't work, I can't promise I won't cry.

There is so much frustration with not being able to conceive. I know pregnancy can be difficult, uncomfortable, and probably down right miserable, but sometimes it's hard to listen to friends and co-workers complain about their hardships when I would give anything for the same opportunity. Sometimes I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and say, "Be grateful damn it!" I hate to think that in my life time I've only had a handful of opportunities to conceive naturally, opportunities that I may never have again without intervention. Most women have the opportunity every month and often feel that it is a curse. I hope my lady friends pause and give thanks for the ability you have been given to be able to create life. I have to fight for that gift.

The entire process is very expensive. My insurance covers some, but not all of it. We haven't received any bills yet, and I'm a little nervous to see how much this endeavor will cost us. If it works, it was well worth it. If it doesn't we are looking at even more expensive options.

Sometimes it feels like I'm wishing for this:

When I've been given this:

I'd be happy to settle for something like this:

So today is the day. It's been 2 weeks.

I could use a prayer, positive energy, luck or a combination of all three.

Desperation

2010-09-29T14:41:00.000-07:00

You know when you've lived somewhere for over a year and everyone told you that it would take about as long to settle in and make friends, but it just hasn't happened that way? And you're just as lonely as ever? You know when your phones call log stores the last 100 calls in and out and only a handful have been from 3 friends, 5 from family, and 12 from your husband dating back over a month? Check your phone. That is not a lot of calls...trust me. You know when you're not on any one's radar because you're married (work) and you don't have kids (church) so therefore you couldn't possibly have anything in common with anyone else and you've tried everything short of begging to get on the radar? Maybe you don't know what it is like, but I sure do. It sucks.

Sure, I've been lonely before, but I've always attributed it to being single and wanting a boyfriend. Having roommates made for built in friends that often kept the loneliness at bay. At least you can socialize with them...interact. The funny thing is, is that now I'm married. I'm not supposed to be lonely anymore right? Wrong! As a nurse I have WAY too much time on my hands, with only one person to share it with. Well you can only be fulfilled so much by one person. Don't get me wrong, my husband is great! He's a riot to be around, sweet, generous, kind, selfless...but I want to share him. I want other people to see how funny he is. I also want friendships outside of Ryan, so I can continue to enrich our relationship and keep it from becoming stagnant or stunted. I need some freshness...HE needs some freshness.

I have my good days. Days where I get engrossed in a project or have plans to keep me busy...an occasional outing with a friend. But I seem to have just as many bad days where I am bored out of my mind and don't know what to do with my time, and everything I want to do would be so much better with a friend. All I really want is some good conversation. I don't care if I am in a bare, windowless room or waiting in a line at Disneyland...I just want some friends to talk with. Alas! I'm starting to think that obtaining a friend is like catching a glimpse of the elusive unicorn.

I don't think it's because I'm unlikeable. I think I'm like-able. And that's saying something considering I have anxiety. I would even say I'm funny. A little stubborn, but hey, everyone has their hangups. I'm low maintenance. I don't need to call people everyday, or have them call me everyday. I appreciate independence. Maybe this has something to do with it. I could probably do a better job of maintaining the friendships I already have. Maybe this is why most of my friends growing up were male. They're low maintenance too. We can pick up where we've left off months or even years after not seeing or talking.

Can you tell it's been one of the bad days? I could cook, clean, sew, hike, plan a menu or grocery shop, but all I want to do is grab a chai tea, chat, and laugh. I'm starting to feel desperate.

Boohoo right?

What do you do?

If You're Going To...

2010-04-21T12:46:00.000-07:00

Be sure to eat some Rice A Roni, or Sourdough, or Ethiopian food, or clam chowder, or crab, Ghirardelli chocolates, or burritos, or, or, or... I could eat my days away in San Francisco. That's pretty much what we did when we visited a few weeks ago. After eating about 1 stick butter with my Dungeness crab, my gallbladder about gave out on me and I was in a world of hurt.

With Ryan's job as an apartment manager, we're not supposed to leave town the first year, but we secretly packed our bags and hopped on a jetliner for San Francisco. We needed, or I needed, to get away for a weekend. We stayed at my brother Dave's uber cool Victorian cum eclectic art space apartment for 4 nights and did all of the touristy things we could think of. Things I never did when I visited as a single lady. Ahh...the joys of being married. It gives me an excuse to do the cheesy touristy things I was too cool to do when I was single. Just to show how un-cool we really are, we missed out on an epic drag queen party that Dave had invited us to, but were too tired to go to after all the walking we did. Lame!

Where we slept

Dave's kitchen - he likes mustard and pickles :)

The California Academy of Science was a great place to spend the afternoon. Although a little depressing, I love watching the sea life in the aquarium. Especially the jelly fish.

I love jellies

We took a tour out to the Bay Bridge and went past Alcatraz. But the real highlight was Musee Mechanique. It was so cool. Loads of old coin operated games, fortune tellers (think Big with Tom Hanks), music machines, etc.

Our last day we spent with Nancy Pelosi at Glide Church. We had heard about their choir from a man on the bus who had given us directions to a metro ticket office. We decided to check it out. A surprise to both of us, Mrs. Pelosi was there and gave a short speech about the newly passed health care reform. It was really enlightening.

San Francisco is such a cool city. It's definitely not L.A. or S.L.C. People were friendly, inviting, fun! The bus drivers were our best friends compared to the jaded bus drivers of L.A. They actually stopped to help figure out which bus would be best and knew routes other than their own. The people were nice too! We didn't have change for a $20 to take the BART back to the airport and 2 ladies paid for our fares. I heart you SF. A refreshing break from me, me, me L.A.

Snap!

2010-03-03T10:59:00.000-08:00

I have a Honda Civic. If you know anything about Civics, you know they have the highest rate of theft and break-ins. I can attest to that. My poor Civic was broken into yet again, upping the current tally to 4 or 5 times. I'm starting to lose track.

Twice I've had my stereo brutally ripped from the warm womb of my dash.

Twice, possibly thrice; they (the burglars) have been skilled enough to shimmy the door open without causing too much damage and without breaking any windows. They have even been so kind as to leave the heat/AC part of my dash intact so I wouldn't freeze/melt my butt off.

Once, they (the robbers) broke in and didn't notice my brand new black iPod sitting on my seat but took Ryan's ancient 1st generation iPod instead. They also took the time to take all of the change out of the cup holder...a whopping $1.37 or so.

4 or 5 times, they (the crooks) took chargers and other cords and wires for phones, iPods, etc.

Twice, they (the thieves) must have been amateurs because they broke my driver's side window when it is painfully obvious that my car has been broken into before and is and easy to break into because of the previous 2 or 3 break-ins. One of those times it was 1 week before my wedding and they stole my purse out of my trunk. This made things even more stressful since I was making last minute wedding plans without a phone or any of my contacts, not having any credit/debit cards to make last minute purchases (accounts were frozen until my new cards arrived), and having to fix a broken window right when most business were closed for Christmas and New Years.

This last time, they (the jerks) broke my window and searched solely for my face plate in order to steal my stereo; bypassing the skis, snowboard and gear in the back seat, $400 Arctryx ski jacket, and my wedding ring in the glove box. Alas! I out smarted them, and took it inside with me. Although I am pissed that I had to deal with a broken window while visiting Utah for the weekend, I am glad they didn't take any of the other stuff.

Needless to say, I've had a lot of opportunities to fantasize about revenge on these hoodlums. I told my brother John about some of my ideas on our way home from the auto glass shop. We started to collaborate and here is what we came up with.

Scenario 1: Shotgun to the face. Set it up to blast them in the face when they broke into the car.

John said that it was too gruesome and obviously deadly. It wouldn't be very fun to see when walking to your car in the morning. I conceded. It's not worth spending jail time for some hood rat.

Scenario 2: A bear trap. When the jerk breaks the window and reaches in to unlock the door, he would trigger a bear trap that snaps his arm. The bear trap would be too big to fit through the window and he wouldn't be able pry open the steal trap without special tools. Not to mention it would be much too difficult in his disabled state. He would wait there until morning in agony, caught in the act.

John laughed at this and suggested putting in a laugh track that mocked the would be robber as he waited in pain.

Scenario 3: Rattlesnake in the glove box. All thieves open the glove box. What a wonderful surprise to find an angry and venomous rattlesnake ready to strike.

Scenario 3 variations: Rabid raccoon/wolverine/pit bull in the car. Any rabid animal that won't let go of the crook.

John pointed out that all of these scenarios would pose a danger to myself, especially if I were to get in a car accident with a bear trap. I would need one that could be disabled when a key is used to enter the car. He offered this:

Scenario 4: Electrocution/police taser when touching the stereo. When the burglar breaks in and attempts to remove the stereo he would be electrocuted/tasered into unconsciousness. The door or parameter of the car would also be electrified, making it impossible for him to leave the car...thus trapping him until his arrest.

Scenario 5: Tar and feathered. My car would be installed with tiny nozzles that would spray hot tar on the robber when he entered the car. After a quick spray the airbag would deploy a cloud of feathers. Voila! Tarred and feathered.

John then asked me..."Why don't you just get an alarm?"

Probably because I was always too poor and but more likely because I've been too lazy.

Besides, I like the bear trap idea.

Adams Family

2010-03-03T10:46:00.000-08:00

Last weekend Ryan and I made the long drive back to Utah to watch one of my best friends marry one of his best friends. It was well worth the drive. It makes me happy that such fantastic people found each other and now Ryan and I have the assurance that they will be in our lives forever because of combined friend forces will make it hard to lose contact. Joy. Congratulations Kristina and Jeff!

Be Mine.

2010-02-14T17:28:00.000-08:00

I've never been very big on Valentine's Day. Or any holiday where I feel obligated to exchange gifts. I have a theory that gifts giving should be "just because" and should be year round...if the spirit moves you. I have found myself many times in stores looking at the "perfect" gift for someone, but not having a reason to buy it for them because it is August 2nd and Christmas is too far away, but their birthday was 2 months ago. To hell with it! I'm gonna buy it for them anyway! I am thinking about this person right now and I want to let them know that I care about them. Sadly, I don't follow through with it very often. Mainly because I'm worried my friends would think I'm weird. Ryan already knows I'm weird so....

A few weeks ago I surprised Ryan with this:

And this:

Kid Theodore has plans to record a new album soon and all of the other band mates recently upgraded to fancy new guitars, but poor Ryan was stuck with his old bass. Concerned that it would throw off the sound quality while recording, Ryan couldn't stop talking about buying a new bass and bass cab (whatever that is). The Jaguar Bass to be specific. I had been picking up extra shifts at the hospital to surprise him, and was waiting for my next paycheck, but Ryan was hell bent on ruining the surprise. He had plans to scrape together the money by selling everything he didn't absolutely need. Ryan's friend Jeff gave us a deal on a bass cab he had and shipped it to us in a few short days. I'm starting to earn the title of "Best Wife Ever".

In return Ryan took me to Katsu-ya last night and told me that I could order anything/as much as I wanted. Yay! Then he bought me this:

Oh joy! We've been sleeping on a dingy 20+ year old mattress of some unknown origin. It sags terribly and I can only sleep comfortably on one side. I've had lower back pain for years and I'm hoping that the above mattress will help relieve this in conjunction with my chiropractic visits and yoga. It's something I would have a very hard time buying for myself (it's hard to justify the price), but probably need.

I love Love.

Upgrade

2010-01-03T22:10:00.000-08:00

It seems I've been upgrading a lot lately. This is a good thing.

When we were preparing to move to L. A. we knew I would be earning quite a bit more, but we also knew rent would be outrageous for something decent. What we didn't realize was how much taxes and insurance would take out of my paycheck. I wasn't taking home as much as we had anticipated. Ryan had found a job working for pennies (seriously) at a bike shop in Manhattan Beach with an occasional side job selling window coverings. Our place was cute. It was a charming 1940's two bedroom apartment with hardwood floors, crown molding, lots of windows, loads of storage, and a big, beautiful tile kitchen located in West L.A./West Hollywood.

It even had an avocado tree in the back with an area for grow boxes. We lived 2 blocks away from Little Ethiopia (some of my favorite food), the Le Brea Tar Pits, and Museum Row where you can get in free after 5. But, to be honest, it was miserable. Money was so tight we couldn't do anything fun. Ryan was so busy driving back and forth between work and band practice that he never had time to actually work creatively on music. Plus, I had to deal with the occasional cockroach (I have a phobia), not to mention we lived a stone's throw away from a hospital where sirens blared at all hours of the day and night. What do you do you when you have 8 months left on your lease? I felt trapped. Land locked. I was withering away sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt that way. Too much noise. Too much cement. Too much smog.

When I was younger I had two visions of myself when I was older. I could never decide which was one was the "real me". One vision was of me living in a major metropolitan city like New York, Chicago, or even L.A., living in a high rise apartment with ultra modern and sleek furniture and abstract paintings on the walls. I would wear fashionable but severe designer clothing and work for a top design firm.

The other vision was of me living out in the country in an old farm house on a few acres of my own. I would have a couple of horses, a milk cow, chickens, goats, sheep, geese, and beehives. I would grow my own organic food, churn my own butter, make cheese, and bottle the abundance of summer for the winter months. I would sew and quilt and paint. I would be outside. I would breathe fresh air. I would be amazed by beauty every day. I would love to do what this woman does. Take some time and check out the site. It's pretty extensive. I really want to stay at her Bed & Breakfast.

Living in that charming 1940's apartment just outside the beating heart of the city has taught me that I am the farm girl more than the city girl.

Time for an upgrade.

I didn't exactly upgrade to an old farm house in the country, but it was a step in the right direction...even if it was an itsy, bitsy, baby step. Bekah put me in touch with an apartment manager, Beth, in her ward. The company Beth worked for needed another apartment manager at one of their properties in Valley Village. Ryan and I interviewed and Ryan got the job. He quit his job at the bike shop and we packed our things, broke our lease and moved a few days later. Although the apartment complex isn't as "cool" as our place in West L.A., it is cozier. It feels more like a home. It has carpet. I never thought I would want carpet, but I actually like it. I can do sit-ups (not that I ever do), without breaking my back. I can walk barefoot with out my feet turning black. Although there isn't a space to have a grow box, I have a balcony that I put my herb pots on. There are more trees and single family homes around and I don't hear sirens all night. The streets are wider and more open. It feels more like downtown Salt Lake/9th and 9th area than L.A. We even have a pool to swim in.

Upgrade.

Within a week of moving into our new place I felt less stressed, happier and more peaceful. We can actually ride our bikes without fearing for our lives, and we are within riding distance of Griffith Park or Balboa Park for a longer rides.

Upgrade.

Since Ryan is managing the 30 or so apartments we get rent and utilities free in addition to a $250 stipend. This essentially is the equivalent of Ryan making more than triple the amount he did at the bike shop. We can actually have a little fun now... like going to Six Flags Magic Mountain for our 1st anniversary...and start paying off my school loans.

Another upgrade.

(There should be a video here but it wouldn't load...help?)

By the way, I recommend taking ibuprofen with you to Six Flags. Ryan's phone fell out of his pocket on one of the rides and it was most likely smashed to smithereens. As a result we bought him the fancy new google phone...MyTouch.

Upgrade.

Because he works from home, Ryan has more time to work creatively on music and is only a few blocks from band practice. Before he left the bike shop we bought Ryan a road bike on a pro-deal. It's a pretty sweet ride. Now he has time to road bike with me.

I consider that an upgrade.

I might start to like it here. Ryan's making out pretty well with this change too.

Blaahg

2009-12-01T11:39:00.000-08:00

Oh man. I don't know how well this blog thing is going for me. I feel like I have a hard time writing authentically because I know I have an audience. It was the same way with keeping a journal. I always thought about my kids/grandkids reading it so, things became a little forced. I feel pressure to be witty, clever, etc. I can do this in person, but I have a hard time translating it into writing I analyze too much, but if you know me...you already know this. 'nuff said.

About a month ago my sister and her family came to visit and we went to Disneyland, and I might have had more fun than the kids did. It was much more crowded than we expected, but we were able to capitalize on having 3 adults and fast-passes and packed the day full of rides and met loads of characters. I was never a "Disney" kid growing up...in fact I thought I was "too cool for Disney." But a strange thing happened and I found myself mesmerized when I stood face to face with the Mad Hatter, Alice, Queen of Hearts, and the Evil Queen from Snow White. Since it was October, Disneyland was showcasing their villains. I loved it. I think everyone has a sort of fondness for dark things. Why else would we love dressing up as witches and skeletons and tell ghost stories?

But my favorite part of Disneyland? Bonding with this kid....

I don't get to see him much and I doubt he even remembered who I was, but we became fast friends. I love my niece and nephews and I pretty much arrange my holidays around them.

Forever Young

2009-09-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

My sister Erin emailed me two poems that my niece Sophie wrote the other day. She just barely turned 9. I don't think I even knew what a poem was when I was 9 and I think my first attempt at one in 4th grade English had something to do with a paper cutter being like a tiger. In fact, I think it was a haiku. Paltry compared to her verse.

But Sophie isn't like other little girls. She doesn't like loads of girly stuff or what ever the Disney Channel is slinging. At 4.5yrs she loved dinosaurs. I took her to the Thanksgiving Point Dinosaur museum where she shocked me by looking at the skeletons of these huge lizards and listing off their names: Dimetrodon, Iguanodon, and Archeopteryx. Did I mention she was only 4.5? I looked for the name plates to make sure she was right and thought she might be able to visually associate the name (she couldn't possibly be able to read dinosaur names at under 5yrs could she?) with the dinosaur. The name plates were on the far end of the exhibit...too far for anyone to read. This tyke knew her stuff. She got all of them right. I was even more impressed because these weren't your run of the mill dinosaurs like the Triceratops, T-Rex or even the Stegosaurus.

At this time she also loved ghost stories and preferred to have them as her bed-time stories. Of course they were never too scary, but spooky enough for a 4.5 year old. I was surprised by her requests.

A few months later my sister told me a story about how they had been driving to their local Rec Center when Sophie (now 5) recited a poem that she had written.

I died for what I had not known
I didn't see the girl coming to squash me
I am dead
I am dead
I am dead

At first Erin didn't believe her and asked her if she learned it in school (Halloween was coming up) or heard it somewhere else. But Sophie explained that the poem was about a fly that she had squashed in the car. She also explained that when you said "I am dead" it got quieter each time. Huh? What? Since when do 5 year-olds use that type of syntax? I don't even know what to call that type of sentence structure. So you see, Sophies' creativity started early.

The following summer Sophie composed a song. Again, Erin didn't quite believe that Sophie created it on her own, but she did. I don't remember all of the lyrics but it is sung with harmony and has depth. My sister took her to a Cowboy Poetry reading where she mustered up the courage to stand in front of seasoned poets and weathered cowboys to shyly sing her song.

Going back to her most recent poems. I called Erin almost immediately after I read them and asked for the story. Once again, Erin was a little skeptical on if Sophie had really written them. Poor girl, can't catch a break. When Erin asked about the "copper witches", Sophie told her casually that she just thought it sounded good, not recognizing the symbolism (pennies) that they have and how they make her fall to her knees. As far as a "lopper"? Well, she just made that word up because she liked it. When asked what it means, she replied, "it's kind of like a loser." Erin asked if they should change it to say "loser," but Sophie thinks "lopper" sounds better. So do I.

This girl is brilliant.

I didn't post her poems...yet...because I want her to get them published and I don't know if blogging them would interfere with her chances. Any suggestions?

Lake verNON

2009-09-16T12:27:00.000-07:00

Ryan and I went backpacking in Yosemite last weekend. We were planning on a 5-6 day trip, but a friend and a huge Kid Theodore supporter, Kathy Carpenter, passed away unexpectedly and her funeral was on Monday. Our trip was shortened to 3 days. The first day we (Ryan) spent driving (I slept a majority of the time, having finished a string of shifts at the hospital). We stopped at a kitschy but admittedly cool road-side farm/market/fruit stand and had BBQ'd tri-tip sandwiches, fed the chickens, and pet the rabbits and goats. They had wine and cheese tasting (we only tasted the cheese), artisan foods and loads of stuff for hipsters to Quilted Bear homemakers to rednecks alike.

                           Hetch Hetchy Reservoir

Unfortunately, we ended up having to back track an hour or two after missing our turn-off. We arrived late at Hetch Hetchy and slept under the stars at the backpackers campground at the trail head instead of hiking to Laurel Lake. We got an early start, bypassing Laurel Lake and headed straight to Lake Vernon. I speak for both of us when I say we soon found out we are out of shape (although round is a shape). The hike was a mere 10-ish miles in, which should have been a piece of cake considering my past hiking adventures. Granted the first half of the trail is a series of steep switchbacks, it felt like a struggle most of the way. It was also unseasonably hot. I deserve to have another excuse right? We didn't reach camp until 4pm (we hiked an extra 2 miles to see the winter trail shelter).

Face flies galore. Can you see them all? That's only half of them.

We passed on setting up the tent and slept under the stars again. I would ditch tents altogether, but storms and rumors of storms keeps me from doing it. I would take my bivy, but that would leave Ryan to fend for himself if it rained. It would be nice to get another one so we could minimize pack weight and have back-up in case the weather is foul. I miss my day's at REI when I could actually afford all of the new fandangled gear through pro-deals.

Since we lost a day driving and we had a funeral to attend, we packed up and hiked back out the very next morning. We made good time (downhill) and covered the distance in 4 hours.

We took the scenic route home and drove through Yosemite Valley and visited Bridalveil Falls, Fern Spring, and Glacier Point. We'll definitely be back for more. Hopefully in better shape and have more time.

                Sore and blistered, Ryan couldn't jump very high

We drank straight from this spring... I hope we don't die.

Annecy Reina Merkley

2009-08-30T08:37:00.000-07:00

I love this little girl. I wish she didn't live so far away so I could smother her with kisses and have her fall asleep on my chest. Ryan and I might have to make a trip up to Vancouver just to see her again. Dan and Marshawn make beautiful babies don't they? I say 'Encore!'

Dan gave her the most comprehensive and beautiful baby blessing I've ever heard. I doubt she'll ever need another one.

Congratulations Danny and Marshawn!

Bread Recipes

2009-08-27T22:24:00.000-07:00

Below is the recipe for the crusty artisan loaf per Jessica's request. The original recipe was published in the New York Times. Watch the video on You Tube to get an idea of how the dough should look.

No-Knead Bread
1/4 tsp active dry yeast
1 1/2 cups warm water (I used 1 1/4...my first batch came out too soupy with 1 1/2)
3 cups all-purpose flour (I used bread flour), plus more for dusting. You may use white, whole wheat or a combination of the two.
1 1/2 tsp salt
Cornmeal or wheat bran for dusting (I just used extra flour)

Combine yeast, flour and salt, stirring until blended. Add water. The dough will be shaggy and sticky. Cover bowl with plastic wrap. Let the dough rest at least 8 hours, preferably 12 to 18, at warm room temperature, about 70 degrees.
The dough is ready when its surface is dotted with bubbles. Lightly flour a work surface and place dough on it. Sprinkle it with a little more flour and fold it over on itself once or twice. Cover loosely with plastic wrap and let it rest for about 15 minutes.
Using just enough flour to keep the dough from sticking to the work surface or to your fingers, gently shape it into a ball. Generously coat a clean dish towel with flour, wheat bran or cornmeal. Put the seam side of the dough down on the towel and dust with more flour, bran or cornmeal (I skipped the towel part and left my dough on my cutting board...my first loaf stuck to the fibers too much). Cover with another towel and let rise for about 1 to 2 hours. When it’s ready, the dough will have doubled in size and will not readily spring back when poked with a finger.
At least 20 minutes before the dough is ready, heat oven to 475 degrees. Put a 6- to 8-quart heavy covered pot (cast iron, enamel, Pyrex or ceramic) in the oven as it heats. When the dough is ready, carefully remove the pot from the oven and lift off the lid. Slide your hand under the towel and turn the dough over into the pot, seam side up. The dough will lose its shape a bit in the process, but that’s OK. Give the pan a firm shake or two to help distribute the dough evenly, but don’t worry if it’s not perfect; it will straighten out as it bakes. (This whole process is to trap in the steam to make a chewy crusty bread. I can't afford the $100+ for a decent dutch oven so I bucked up $30 and got a pizza stone instead. To create the steam I put my broiler pan on the bottom rack and added a cup of water and quickly shut the oven door to trap the steam. I found this trick here.)
Cover and bake for 30 minutes. Remove the lid and bake another 15 to 20 minutes, until the loaf is beautifully browned (or 30 minutes total with a pizza stone). Remove the bread from the Dutch oven and let it cool on a rack for at least 1 hour before slicing.

Buttermilk Bread (Good Housekeeping Cook Book)
1/4 cup warm water
1 pkg active dry yeast
1 tsp plus 1/4 cup sugar
1 1/2 cups buttermilk (I reconstituted powdered buttermilk)
8 T butter or margarine
2 tsp salt

In large bowl, combine warm water, yeast, and 1 teaspoon sugar; stir to dissolve. Let mixture stand until foamy, about 5 minutes.
Meanwhile, in 1-quart saucepan, combine buttermilk, 6 tablespoons butter, and remaining 1/4 cup sugar; heat over medium-low heat until warm. Add buttermilk mixture, salt and 4 1/2 cups flour to yeast mixture; beat with wooden spoon until blended.
Turn dough onto lightly floured surface and knead until smooth and elastic, about 10 minutes, working in enough of remaining 1/4 cup flour just to keep dough from sticking. Shape dough into ball; place in greased large bowl, turning dough to grease top. Cover bowl with plastic wrap and let rise in warm place until doubled in volume, about 1 hour.
Punch down dough. Turn doug onto lightly floured surface and cut in half; cover and let reast 15 minutes. Grease two 8 1/2" x 4 1/2" metal loaf pans.
Shape each dough half into rectangle about 9" x 6". Roll up from short side. Pinch seam nd ends to seal. Place, seam side down, in prepared pans. cover and let rise in warm place until doubled in volume, about 1 hour.
Meanwhile, preheat oven to 375. Melt remaining 2 tablespoons butter. Just before baking, with serrated knife, cut a lengthwise 1/4-inch-deep slash in top of each loaf. Brush loaves with melted butter (I didn't worry about the shape and or slashing, nor did I butter it before baking and they still came out beautiful). Bake until golden and loaves sound hollow when lightly tapped on bottom, 25-30 minutes. Remove loaves from pans; cool on wire racks. Makes 2 loaves, 12 slices each.

Bread

2009-08-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

Even though our week in Salt Lake seemed booked, I still had enough time to pick and bottle apricots and plums, and made jams, juice, and pie filling! I didn't particularly like helping my mom bottle fruit and make pie fillings and jams. Actually, I vividly remember spending most of a Saturday peeling apples and wishing I could go play. I dreamt of peeling apples that night. After I moved out I tried the store bought variety and they were never as good. I missed the rows and rows of colorful bottles of fruit in our basement growing up. I love the idea that I can save a little bit of summer in a bottle and eat it later when the landscape has lost all color. Nothing is better than homemade jam. Seriously. You name a flavor and it's better homemade. I love watching the bubbling pots of color knowing I'll be enjoying the flavors all winter long.

Now I needed some chewy crusty bread to eat with my homemade jam. But good bread is expensive, especially when your husband eats half a loaf in one sitting...okay I do too. For the last week I've scoured the world wide web and found a great recipe for artisan crusty bread that really works! It's super easy too. I failed on my first attempt because I sifted my flour so the dough was much too wet. But my 2nd and 3rd attempts turned out lovely. I can't wait to try adding some flavor to the basic recipe...sourdough, rosemary, kalmata olive...YUM!

*Sigh*

Summer.

Mee-shell

2009-08-21T22:58:00.000-07:00

The first week of August Ryan and I drove back to Utah for the wedding of my former roommate and our Thailand travel buddy, Michelle. Conveniently our family's unknowingly planned several other events that week which included a family reunion, baptism, funeral (this one was not planned), baby blessing, and of course the wedding! The only things missing off of our list was a missionary farewell (later in August...sorry we can't make it Steve), and a divorce. How come people attend weddings but not divorces?

2 years ago, Michelle moved into the Harrison house sight unseen. Lucky for her she moved in with two of the coolest chicks in Salt Lake. *cough* Our first encounter, however, was not the best. On the morning of my last day of class, I woke up early to pop a pie I had made the night before into the oven. 20 minutes in, all I could smell was burning plastic. Someone had had a disaster the night before and didn't clean it up and now my pie was baking in the toxic fumes. Michelle was that poor someone. Somehow, a short year later I talked Michelle into coming to Thailand with me. Lucky for me, she has a forgiving heart and we had became great friends.

Congratulations Michelle and Tyler!

Stress Test

2009-08-12T21:50:00.000-07:00

You know those stress tests that you can take? The one that ranks different stressors over the past year and rates your stress level accordingly? Well, I think mine is off the charts!

Ryan and I weren't planning on moving when he proposed. The market was down, interest rates were low...it seemed like a great idea. We bought a house. Ryan already had a house that we planned to rent. We were on our way to building our own real estate empire! One month after we had moved in, Kid Theodore decided that it was time to move to L.A. and take a shot at the big time. Ryan's band has been working hard for over three years and had recently won several contests that included a spot at a the CMJ Festival in New York, but we didn't think we'd be moving so soon. Of course this is the road that the band SHOULD take! They've got to go while there's a buzz!

The situation go sticky for us. We had started renovating. *groan* Stuff that we had planned to take our time on now had be finished by June! Had we left it alone, we could've rented the places and left. We had 2 homes to get rental ready and the best way to tackle it was for Ryan work full time on the properties while I worked. Poor Ryan. He worked his butt off, but I found out how talented my husband really is!

Meanwhile, I reworked my resume and applied for jobs in the L.A. area. Jobs were tight even for nurses, but I managed to get 5 interviews and 5 offers! I accepted a position at UCLA's PICU. I looked for apartments when I flew out for paperwork and drug testing. I found a bright 2 bedroom place in West Hollywood near the LaBrea Tar Pits and Little Ethiopia.

Here is a short list of some of what we accomplished before we left.

Denver Street
1. Landscaped the back yard jungle - tilled, re-sod, brick lined river rock pathway, & bark chips
2. Kicked out unsavory tennants dealing drugs
3. Deep cleaned house after unsavory tennants moved
4. Painted dining room, mud room, and 3 bed rooms
5. Rebuilt chimney
6. Painted eaves
7. Replaced rain gutters
8. Rebuilt porch steps with wood

Wilson Avenue
1. Ripped out old carpet from upstairs
2. Steamed off wall/ceiling paper, patched, sanded and painted living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom
3. Painted kitchen cabinets and 2 bedrooms
4. Gutted the basement to the studs
5. Rebuilt basement to have 2 bedrooms and a bathroom plus storage in the laundry room (framed, plumbed, electrical, sheet rocked, taped, mudded, sanded, hung doors, nailed in baseboards)
6. New insulation throughout
7. Painted entire basement
8. Tiled basement bathroom
9. Carpeted basement bedrooms and hallway
10. New 90% efficient furnace/AC unit
11. Weeded flower beds and placed bark chips
12. Re-seeded area of lawn
13. Trimmed pine tree

I can't believe we pulled it off!

Just Ask and You'll Recieve...Beyond Your Wildest Dreams...

2009-07-19T11:05:00.000-07:00

How many pictures is too many?

It was burning hot in the house.

Ryan jumped and jumped.

It was SOOOOO cold outside! It hurt my fingers to touch the side of the bus.

I have the coolest friends. See? A picture to prove it.

I still can't believe I found time to make the mural myself! A fan of Gustav Klimt. Branches were painstakenly wrapped by friends and family.

I prefer wedding pie.

Chaz Prymek

Music to my ears! A cover of a favorite and a perfect way to end the night and year!

The Maiden Voyage...

2009-04-28T20:42:00.000-07:00

Funny, I never thought I would start a blog...but here I am. Why? Honestly...it's because I'm not pleased with iphoto. Last November while I was busy planning my wedding, my hard drive crashed and I lost everything. I took my critically ill PowerBook in to MacDocs, but they were unable to save it. A transplant took place and my little laptop came home with a new hard drive. I thought everything was great (minus the lost photos I didn't manage to save to my external hard drive before it crashed), but I was wrong. When you get a new hard drive you lose EVERYTHING. All of my shortcuts, passwords, and preferences I've painstakenly saved over the last 3 years. GONE! So what does this have to do with iphoto? Well...the new version of iphoto doesn't let you edit the size of the photo to make it easy to send in an email using gmail, hotmail or any other sort of mail that is not mac mail. I don't use mac mail so I've been looking for graphic converters to allow me to edit my pictures so I can send them. I'm sure there is some tech savvy reader that could show me how to fix this, but I don't have the time....er...the patience to figure it out on my own. iphoto isn't the only reason I started a blog. I suppose it also has a lot to do with convenience. I am slowly learning to adapt to having in-laws. I don't have the best track record of keeping my own family informed, so I have been easily overwhelmed by the numerous questions about being newlyweds, my work, our plans to move to L.A., Ryan's music career, etc. The wife (Bekah) of one of Ryan's band mates (Cole) simply told me after I was lamenting having to repeat myself 20 times in one day, that a blog would save me a lot of the trouble. Today, after failing to edit my wedding photos to send to my friend Stephanie via email, I gave in and decided to enter the wonderful world of BLOG. The previously mentioned is a well seasoned blogger and although she has encouraged me to start my own, I am a little nervous about what to put out for the masses. But, I would hate to clog someones email with enormous photos, and I know other family members and friends might like to see the photo's as well. Thank you Stephanie for requesting photo's...and my inability to narrow it down to a few to send via email.

A blog is born.