This is me

FAIL

Intrigued by the infertility process? Want to better understand what we are going through? I found a blog written by a woman going through the same process. She does a fantastic job explaining all of the details and how technical it can be. Check it out here.

Wars Waged and Battles Fought

I've been thinking about this post for a long time, and how I was going start. I'm having a hard time putting my emotions into words, and perhaps it is because it is something close to my heart.

I want a baby. I'm not talking about your usual want, like when you want a doughnut or a new pair of shoes. Sometimes I think I even NEED those things, because I CRAVE them. No, this want is deeper, a more visceral want. It's something that I ache for, my heart aches for.

My nephew Jonas Hughes

We "trying" to get pregnant, but before you start congratulating us and wishing us the best (I still need your well wishes though), this is not the usual trying. It's not the kind where you toss out your birth control and start paying attention to ovulation calendars, basal temperatures etc. Oh how I wish it were that easy!! We are "trying" with medical interventions.

Back Story:
I remember walking with my friend Sarah H. when we were 9-ish discussing what our future husbands would look like, what qualities they would have, what type of profession they would have, how old we wanted to be when we got married, how many children we wanted and the ratio of girls and boys. I told her that I wouldn't be able to have children. She looked at me and said, "How do you know?" I replied, "I just have a feeling." I wanted 6 (3 or 4 is plenty), I think she wanted 4. I really did have that feeling and it worried me. It still worries me. Was it pessimism, self fulfilling prophecy or premonition? Could I really have been that in tune at that age?

I was relieved when I finally came of age and "became a woman" at nearly 16 (16 or later, as a rule of thumb indicates abnormalities). All of my friends had come of age years earlier. I was a late bloomer by medical standards. Even after I had my first menses, things didn't go smoothly. No monthly visits for me. They were all over the place. Every so often I would have sharp pains in my abdomen. Although I didn't know what it was at the time, I could tell it had something to do with my ovaries. It felt like they were in a vice and someone was jabbing them with a large sharp needle. The pain never lasted too long so I didn't worry much about it. At 18, my general physician suggested I start birth control in hopes to kick start my body onto a regular cycle. I stayed on it for a few years and at 21 decided to see if my body had finally gotten a clue on how to do it properly.

A year went by...nothing. Not a drop.

Friends tell me that I am lucky. No cramps, bloating, I'm saving money, etc., but for me it meant I wasn't normal. I want to be normal...at least in this area.

I went to see a recommended OB/GYN. He drew some blood, did an exam and said, "Well, I think you have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, but I can't be certain because your hormone levels are within normal limits and you don't fit the typical profile of a woman with PCOS." Nervously I asked him if I was infertile. He said, "We won't be able to tell that until you start trying to get pregnant, but I can tell you that you are going to need help. The pain you are having is probably ovarian cysts that have ruptured. In the meantime, you need to keep your uterus healthy by shedding your lining every month with birth control. It will also help prevent additional cysts from growing." A trip to the ER (to rule out appendicitis) confirmed PCOS.

Currently:

Since we've been married we haven't been preventing, and more recently we have been actively "trying". In March I saw an Endocrinologist who put me on 500mg Metformin (diabetic medication that can also stimulate ovualtion in women PCOS) every day in hopes that it would stimulate my body to start ovulating. To my excitement, I started to have breast tenderness. Was Metformin the answer? After 3 months, still no period and the tenderness went away and hasn't been back. In May, she bumped it up to 1,000mg. In June, she bumped the dose to 1,500mg and she gave me a referral for a Fertility Specialist. In July, I was taking 2,000mg Metformin but even that wasn't working. It was time to take it to the next level. In August my Fertility Specialist added 50mg Clomid every day to the mix hoping to stimulate an egg follicle to grow. For a review on how complex ovulation really is click here. After 8 days and the start of intense hot flashes we did an ultrasound to see if anything was happening...nothing. My doctor increased my dose to 100mg every day plus the Metformin. 8 more days later and another ultrasound...follicles!!! They weren't /mature or big enough yet though. They needed to double in size. We came back 3 days later for another ultrasound...no growth. He increased the dose to 150mg Clomid and 2,000mg Metformin. 8 days later and after experiencing blurred vision and tracers in addition to the horrible hot flashes, the ultrasound showed 2 follicles that had "taken the lead" and were the appropriate size and ready to ovulate. SUCCESS!!!

Hold you're horses.

That is just the beginning. Now I had the follicles, but I still needed to release the egg, have it fertilized, and hope that it it implants. To ensure that the follicles launch the eggs (I might have released 2) I had to give myself a shot. We wanted to increase our chances of success, so 36 hours later Ryan gave a sperm sample *cough* that was washed, spun down and concentrated. An hour after the sample as given, I was artificially inseminated. We had homework too. For the next 3 days we needed to "get busy".

Now we wait.

Well, I do more than just wait. I still have to take the Metformin and Progesterone in addition to prenatal vitamins. Unfortunately, higher the doses of Clomid mean the thinner your uterine lining becomes. Eggs want thick luxurious lining to nestle down into. Progesterone helps build this lining. I was on near max dose of Clomid and because of my visual side effects, I won't be able to try it again. Vision is too closely connected to the brain and they don't want to take any chances. Good thing those 2 follicles were ready to go, otherwise we'd be back to square one.

After 2 weeks of waiting I take a pregnancy test to see if it actually worked.

I'm scared. What if it doesn't work? I've tried to keep myself emotionally distant so if it doesn't work I won't be completely heartbroken. I've always planned on adopting , so I have a back up plan, but in my heart of hearts I REALLY want this to happen. I want to feel my belly grow, and feel a little person moving inside. The process is so tedious and technically structured when you can't conceive naturally. Because of this, I've realized how special and miraculous having a baby truly is! There are SO many things that need to happen just to get pregnant let alone produce a healthy child (those are a whole new set of fears). If it doesn't work, I can't promise I won't cry.

There is so much frustration with not being able to conceive. I know pregnancy can be difficult, uncomfortable, and probably down right miserable, but sometimes it's hard to listen to friends and co-workers complain about their hardships when I would give anything for the same opportunity. Sometimes I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and say, "Be grateful damn it!" I hate to think that in my life time I've only had a handful of opportunities to conceive naturally, opportunities that I may never have again without intervention. Most women have the opportunity every month and often feel that it is a curse. I hope my lady friends pause and give thanks for the ability you have been given to be able to create life. I have to fight for that gift.

The entire process is very expensive. My insurance covers some, but not all of it. We haven't received any bills yet, and I'm a little nervous to see how much this endeavor will cost us. If it works, it was well worth it. If it doesn't we are looking at even more expensive options.

Sometimes it feels like I'm wishing for this:

When I've been given this:

I'd be happy to settle for something like this:

So today is the day. It's been 2 weeks.

I could use a prayer, positive energy, luck or a combination of all three.

Desperation

You know when you've lived somewhere for over a year and everyone told you that it would take about as long to settle in and make friends, but it just hasn't happened that way? And you're just as lonely as ever? You know when your phones call log stores the last 100 calls in and out and only a handful have been from 3 friends, 5 from family, and 12 from your husband dating back over a month? Check your phone. That is not a lot of calls...trust me. You know when you're not on any one's radar because you're married (work) and you don't have kids (church) so therefore you couldn't possibly have anything in common with anyone else and you've tried everything short of begging to get on the radar? Maybe you don't know what it is like, but I sure do. It sucks.

Sure, I've been lonely before, but I've always attributed it to being single and wanting a boyfriend. Having roommates made for built in friends that often kept the loneliness at bay. At least you can socialize with them...interact. The funny thing is, is that now I'm married. I'm not supposed to be lonely anymore right? Wrong! As a nurse I have WAY too much time on my hands, with only one person to share it with. Well you can only be fulfilled so much by one person. Don't get me wrong, my husband is great! He's a riot to be around, sweet, generous, kind, selfless...but I want to share him. I want other people to see how funny he is. I also want friendships outside of Ryan, so I can continue to enrich our relationship and keep it from becoming stagnant or stunted. I need some freshness...HE needs some freshness.

I have my good days. Days where I get engrossed in a project or have plans to keep me busy...an occasional outing with a friend. But I seem to have just as many bad days where I am bored out of my mind and don't know what to do with my time, and everything I want to do would be so much better with a friend. All I really want is some good conversation. I don't care if I am in a bare, windowless room or waiting in a line at Disneyland...I just want some friends to talk with. Alas! I'm starting to think that obtaining a friend is like catching a glimpse of the elusive unicorn.

I don't think it's because I'm unlikeable. I think I'm like-able. And that's saying something considering I have anxiety. I would even say I'm funny. A little stubborn, but hey, everyone has their hangups. I'm low maintenance. I don't need to call people everyday, or have them call me everyday. I appreciate independence. Maybe this has something to do with it. I could probably do a better job of maintaining the friendships I already have. Maybe this is why most of my friends growing up were male. They're low maintenance too. We can pick up where we've left off months or even years after not seeing or talking.

Can you tell it's been one of the bad days? I could cook, clean, sew, hike, plan a menu or grocery shop, but all I want to do is grab a chai tea, chat, and laugh. I'm starting to feel desperate.

Boohoo right?

What do you do?

If You're Going To...

Be sure to eat some Rice A Roni, or Sourdough, or Ethiopian food, or clam chowder, or crab, Ghirardelli chocolates, or burritos, or, or, or... I could eat my days away in San Francisco. That's pretty much what we did when we visited a few weeks ago. After eating about 1 stick butter with my Dungeness crab, my gallbladder about gave out on me and I was in a world of hurt.

With Ryan's job as an apartment manager, we're not supposed to leave town the first year, but we secretly packed our bags and hopped on a jetliner for San Francisco. We needed, or I needed, to get away for a weekend. We stayed at my brother Dave's uber cool Victorian cum eclectic art space apartment for 4 nights and did all of the touristy things we could think of. Things I never did when I visited as a single lady. Ahh...the joys of being married. It gives me an excuse to do the cheesy touristy things I was too cool to do when I was single. Just to show how un-cool we really are, we missed out on an epic drag queen party that Dave had invited us to, but were too tired to go to after all the walking we did. Lame!

Where we slept

Dave's kitchen - he likes mustard and pickles :)

The California Academy of Science was a great place to spend the afternoon. Although a little depressing, I love watching the sea life in the aquarium. Especially the jelly fish.

I love jellies

We took a tour out to the Bay Bridge and went past Alcatraz. But the real highlight was Musee Mechanique. It was so cool. Loads of old coin operated games, fortune tellers (think Big with Tom Hanks), music machines, etc.

Our last day we spent with Nancy Pelosi at Glide Church. We had heard about their choir from a man on the bus who had given us directions to a metro ticket office. We decided to check it out. A surprise to both of us, Mrs. Pelosi was there and gave a short speech about the newly passed health care reform. It was really enlightening.

San Francisco is such a cool city. It's definitely not L.A. or S.L.C. People were friendly, inviting, fun! The bus drivers were our best friends compared to the jaded bus drivers of L.A. They actually stopped to help figure out which bus would be best and knew routes other than their own. The people were nice too! We didn't have change for a $20 to take the BART back to the airport and 2 ladies paid for our fares. I heart you SF. A refreshing break from me, me, me L.A.

Snap!

I have a Honda Civic. If you know anything about Civics, you know they have the highest rate of theft and break-ins. I can attest to that. My poor Civic was broken into yet again, upping the current tally to 4 or 5 times. I'm starting to lose track.

Twice I've had my stereo brutally ripped from the warm womb of my dash.

Twice, possibly thrice; they (the burglars) have been skilled enough to shimmy the door open without causing too much damage and without breaking any windows. They have even been so kind as to leave the heat/AC part of my dash intact so I wouldn't freeze/melt my butt off.

Once, they (the robbers) broke in and didn't notice my brand new black iPod sitting on my seat but took Ryan's ancient 1st generation iPod instead. They also took the time to take all of the change out of the cup holder...a whopping $1.37 or so.

4 or 5 times, they (the crooks) took chargers and other cords and wires for phones, iPods, etc.

Twice, they (the thieves) must have been amateurs because they broke my driver's side window when it is painfully obvious that my car has been broken into before and is and easy to break into because of the previous 2 or 3 break-ins. One of those times it was 1 week before my wedding and they stole my purse out of my trunk. This made things even more stressful since I was making last minute wedding plans without a phone or any of my contacts, not having any credit/debit cards to make last minute purchases (accounts were frozen until my new cards arrived), and having to fix a broken window right when most business were closed for Christmas and New Years.

This last time, they (the jerks) broke my window and searched solely for my face plate in order to steal my stereo; bypassing the skis, snowboard and gear in the back seat, $400 Arctryx ski jacket, and my wedding ring in the glove box. Alas! I out smarted them, and took it inside with me. Although I am pissed that I had to deal with a broken window while visiting Utah for the weekend, I am glad they didn't take any of the other stuff.

Needless to say, I've had a lot of opportunities to fantasize about revenge on these hoodlums. I told my brother John about some of my ideas on our way home from the auto glass shop. We started to collaborate and here is what we came up with.

Scenario 1: Shotgun to the face. Set it up to blast them in the face when they broke into the car.

John said that it was too gruesome and obviously deadly. It wouldn't be very fun to see when walking to your car in the morning. I conceded. It's not worth spending jail time for some hood rat.

Scenario 2: A bear trap. When the jerk breaks the window and reaches in to unlock the door, he would trigger a bear trap that snaps his arm. The bear trap would be too big to fit through the window and he wouldn't be able pry open the steal trap without special tools. Not to mention it would be much too difficult in his disabled state. He would wait there until morning in agony, caught in the act.

John laughed at this and suggested putting in a laugh track that mocked the would be robber as he waited in pain.

Scenario 3: Rattlesnake in the glove box. All thieves open the glove box. What a wonderful surprise to find an angry and venomous rattlesnake ready to strike.

Scenario 3 variations: Rabid raccoon/wolverine/pit bull in the car. Any rabid animal that won't let go of the crook.

John pointed out that all of these scenarios would pose a danger to myself, especially if I were to get in a car accident with a bear trap. I would need one that could be disabled when a key is used to enter the car. He offered this:

Scenario 4: Electrocution/police taser when touching the stereo. When the burglar breaks in and attempts to remove the stereo he would be electrocuted/tasered into unconsciousness. The door or parameter of the car would also be electrified, making it impossible for him to leave the car...thus trapping him until his arrest.

Scenario 5: Tar and feathered. My car would be installed with tiny nozzles that would spray hot tar on the robber when he entered the car. After a quick spray the airbag would deploy a cloud of feathers. Voila! Tarred and feathered.

John then asked me..."Why don't you just get an alarm?"

Probably because I was always too poor and but more likely because I've been too lazy.

Besides, I like the bear trap idea.

Adams Family

Last weekend Ryan and I made the long drive back to Utah to watch one of my best friends marry one of his best friends. It was well worth the drive. It makes me happy that such fantastic people found each other and now Ryan and I have the assurance that they will be in our lives forever because of combined friend forces will make it hard to lose contact. Joy. Congratulations Kristina and Jeff!

Be Mine.

I've never been very big on Valentine's Day. Or any holiday where I feel obligated to exchange gifts. I have a theory that gifts giving should be "just because" and should be year round...if the spirit moves you. I have found myself many times in stores looking at the "perfect" gift for someone, but not having a reason to buy it for them because it is August 2nd and Christmas is too far away, but their birthday was 2 months ago. To hell with it! I'm gonna buy it for them anyway! I am thinking about this person right now and I want to let them know that I care about them. Sadly, I don't follow through with it very often. Mainly because I'm worried my friends would think I'm weird. Ryan already knows I'm weird so....

A few weeks ago I surprised Ryan with this:


And this:


Kid Theodore has plans to record a new album soon and all of the other band mates recently upgraded to fancy new guitars, but poor Ryan was stuck with his old bass. Concerned that it would throw off the sound quality while recording, Ryan couldn't stop talking about buying a new bass and bass cab (whatever that is). The Jaguar Bass to be specific. I had been picking up extra shifts at the hospital to surprise him, and was waiting for my next paycheck, but Ryan was hell bent on ruining the surprise. He had plans to scrape together the money by selling everything he didn't absolutely need. Ryan's friend Jeff gave us a deal on a bass cab he had and shipped it to us in a few short days. I'm starting to earn the title of "Best Wife Ever".

In return Ryan took me to Katsu-ya last night and told me that I could order anything/as much as I wanted. Yay! Then he bought me this:

Oh joy! We've been sleeping on a dingy 20+ year old mattress of some unknown origin. It sags terribly and I can only sleep comfortably on one side. I've had lower back pain for years and I'm hoping that the above mattress will help relieve this in conjunction with my chiropractic visits and yoga. It's something I would have a very hard time buying for myself (it's hard to justify the price), but probably need.

I love Love.

Upgrade

It seems I've been upgrading a lot lately. This is a good thing.

When we were preparing to move to L. A. we knew I would be earning quite a bit more, but we also knew rent would be outrageous for something decent. What we didn't realize was how much taxes and insurance would take out of my paycheck. I wasn't taking home as much as we had anticipated. Ryan had found a job working for pennies (seriously) at a bike shop in Manhattan Beach with an occasional side job selling window coverings. Our place was cute. It was a charming 1940's two bedroom apartment with hardwood floors, crown molding, lots of windows, loads of storage, and a big, beautiful tile kitchen located in West L.A./West Hollywood.



It even had an avocado tree in the back with an area for grow boxes. We lived 2 blocks away from Little Ethiopia (some of my favorite food), the Le Brea Tar Pits, and Museum Row where you can get in free after 5. But, to be honest, it was miserable. Money was so tight we couldn't do anything fun. Ryan was so busy driving back and forth between work and band practice that he never had time to actually work creatively on music. Plus, I had to deal with the occasional cockroach (I have a phobia), not to mention we lived a stone's throw away from a hospital where sirens blared at all hours of the day and night. What do you do you when you have 8 months left on your lease? I felt trapped. Land locked. I was withering away sounds dramatic, but I honestly felt that way. Too much noise. Too much cement. Too much smog.

When I was younger I had two visions of myself when I was older. I could never decide which was one was the "real me". One vision was of me living in a major metropolitan city like New York, Chicago, or even L.A., living in a high rise apartment with ultra modern and sleek furniture and abstract paintings on the walls. I would wear fashionable but severe designer clothing and work for a top design firm.


The other vision was of me living out in the country in an old farm house on a few acres of my own. I would have a couple of horses, a milk cow, chickens, goats, sheep, geese, and beehives. I would grow my own organic food, churn my own butter, make cheese, and bottle the abundance of summer for the winter months. I would sew and quilt and paint. I would be outside. I would breathe fresh air. I would be amazed by beauty every day. I would love to do what this woman does. Take some time and check out the site. It's pretty extensive. I really want to stay at her Bed & Breakfast.


Living in that charming 1940's apartment just outside the beating heart of the city has taught me that I am the farm girl more than the city girl.

Time for an upgrade.

I didn't exactly upgrade to an old farm house in the country, but it was a step in the right direction...even if it was an itsy, bitsy, baby step. Bekah put me in touch with an apartment manager, Beth, in her ward. The company Beth worked for needed another apartment manager at one of their properties in Valley Village. Ryan and I interviewed and Ryan got the job. He quit his job at the bike shop and we packed our things, broke our lease and moved a few days later. Although the apartment complex isn't as "cool" as our place in West L.A., it is cozier. It feels more like a home. It has carpet. I never thought I would want carpet, but I actually like it. I can do sit-ups (not that I ever do), without breaking my back. I can walk barefoot with out my feet turning black. Although there isn't a space to have a grow box, I have a balcony that I put my herb pots on. There are more trees and single family homes around and I don't hear sirens all night. The streets are wider and more open. It feels more like downtown Salt Lake/9th and 9th area than L.A. We even have a pool to swim in.

Upgrade.

Within a week of moving into our new place I felt less stressed, happier and more peaceful. We can actually ride our bikes without fearing for our lives, and we are within riding distance of Griffith Park or Balboa Park for a longer rides.

Upgrade.

Since Ryan is managing the 30 or so apartments we get rent and utilities free in addition to a $250 stipend. This essentially is the equivalent of Ryan making more than triple the amount he did at the bike shop. We can actually have a little fun now... like going to Six Flags Magic Mountain for our 1st anniversary...and start paying off my school loans.

Another upgrade.

(There should be a video here but it wouldn't load...help?)

By the way, I recommend taking ibuprofen with you to Six Flags. Ryan's phone fell out of his pocket on one of the rides and it was most likely smashed to smithereens. As a result we bought him the fancy new google phone...MyTouch.

Upgrade.

Because he works from home, Ryan has more time to work creatively on music and is only a few blocks from band practice. Before he left the bike shop we bought Ryan a road bike on a pro-deal. It's a pretty sweet ride. Now he has time to road bike with me.


I consider that an upgrade.

I might start to like it here. Ryan's making out pretty well with this change too.