Desperation

You know when you've lived somewhere for over a year and everyone told you that it would take about as long to settle in and make friends, but it just hasn't happened that way? And you're just as lonely as ever? You know when your phones call log stores the last 100 calls in and out and only a handful have been from 3 friends, 5 from family, and 12 from your husband dating back over a month? Check your phone. That is not a lot of calls...trust me. You know when you're not on any one's radar because you're married (work) and you don't have kids (church) so therefore you couldn't possibly have anything in common with anyone else and you've tried everything short of begging to get on the radar? Maybe you don't know what it is like, but I sure do. It sucks.

Sure, I've been lonely before, but I've always attributed it to being single and wanting a boyfriend. Having roommates made for built in friends that often kept the loneliness at bay. At least you can socialize with them...interact. The funny thing is, is that now I'm married. I'm not supposed to be lonely anymore right? Wrong! As a nurse I have WAY too much time on my hands, with only one person to share it with. Well you can only be fulfilled so much by one person. Don't get me wrong, my husband is great! He's a riot to be around, sweet, generous, kind, selfless...but I want to share him. I want other people to see how funny he is. I also want friendships outside of Ryan, so I can continue to enrich our relationship and keep it from becoming stagnant or stunted. I need some freshness...HE needs some freshness.

I have my good days. Days where I get engrossed in a project or have plans to keep me busy...an occasional outing with a friend. But I seem to have just as many bad days where I am bored out of my mind and don't know what to do with my time, and everything I want to do would be so much better with a friend. All I really want is some good conversation. I don't care if I am in a bare, windowless room or waiting in a line at Disneyland...I just want some friends to talk with. Alas! I'm starting to think that obtaining a friend is like catching a glimpse of the elusive unicorn.

I don't think it's because I'm unlikeable. I think I'm like-able. And that's saying something considering I have anxiety. I would even say I'm funny. A little stubborn, but hey, everyone has their hangups. I'm low maintenance. I don't need to call people everyday, or have them call me everyday. I appreciate independence. Maybe this has something to do with it. I could probably do a better job of maintaining the friendships I already have. Maybe this is why most of my friends growing up were male. They're low maintenance too. We can pick up where we've left off months or even years after not seeing or talking.

Can you tell it's been one of the bad days? I could cook, clean, sew, hike, plan a menu or grocery shop, but all I want to do is grab a chai tea, chat, and laugh. I'm starting to feel desperate.

Boohoo right?

What do you do?