Wars Waged and Battles Fought

I've been thinking about this post for a long time, and how I was going start. I'm having a hard time putting my emotions into words, and perhaps it is because it is something close to my heart.

I want a baby. I'm not talking about your usual want, like when you want a doughnut or a new pair of shoes. Sometimes I think I even NEED those things, because I CRAVE them. No, this want is deeper, a more visceral want. It's something that I ache for, my heart aches for.

My nephew Jonas Hughes

We "trying" to get pregnant, but before you start congratulating us and wishing us the best (I still need your well wishes though), this is not the usual trying. It's not the kind where you toss out your birth control and start paying attention to ovulation calendars, basal temperatures etc. Oh how I wish it were that easy!! We are "trying" with medical interventions.

Back Story:
I remember walking with my friend Sarah H. when we were 9-ish discussing what our future husbands would look like, what qualities they would have, what type of profession they would have, how old we wanted to be when we got married, how many children we wanted and the ratio of girls and boys. I told her that I wouldn't be able to have children. She looked at me and said, "How do you know?" I replied, "I just have a feeling." I wanted 6 (3 or 4 is plenty), I think she wanted 4. I really did have that feeling and it worried me. It still worries me. Was it pessimism, self fulfilling prophecy or premonition? Could I really have been that in tune at that age?

I was relieved when I finally came of age and "became a woman" at nearly 16 (16 or later, as a rule of thumb indicates abnormalities). All of my friends had come of age years earlier. I was a late bloomer by medical standards. Even after I had my first menses, things didn't go smoothly. No monthly visits for me. They were all over the place. Every so often I would have sharp pains in my abdomen. Although I didn't know what it was at the time, I could tell it had something to do with my ovaries. It felt like they were in a vice and someone was jabbing them with a large sharp needle. The pain never lasted too long so I didn't worry much about it. At 18, my general physician suggested I start birth control in hopes to kick start my body onto a regular cycle. I stayed on it for a few years and at 21 decided to see if my body had finally gotten a clue on how to do it properly.

A year went by...nothing. Not a drop.

Friends tell me that I am lucky. No cramps, bloating, I'm saving money, etc., but for me it meant I wasn't normal. I want to be normal...at least in this area.

I went to see a recommended OB/GYN. He drew some blood, did an exam and said, "Well, I think you have Polycystic Ovary Syndrome, but I can't be certain because your hormone levels are within normal limits and you don't fit the typical profile of a woman with PCOS." Nervously I asked him if I was infertile. He said, "We won't be able to tell that until you start trying to get pregnant, but I can tell you that you are going to need help. The pain you are having is probably ovarian cysts that have ruptured. In the meantime, you need to keep your uterus healthy by shedding your lining every month with birth control. It will also help prevent additional cysts from growing." A trip to the ER (to rule out appendicitis) confirmed PCOS.

Currently:

Since we've been married we haven't been preventing, and more recently we have been actively "trying". In March I saw an Endocrinologist who put me on 500mg Metformin (diabetic medication that can also stimulate ovualtion in women PCOS) every day in hopes that it would stimulate my body to start ovulating. To my excitement, I started to have breast tenderness. Was Metformin the answer? After 3 months, still no period and the tenderness went away and hasn't been back. In May, she bumped it up to 1,000mg. In June, she bumped the dose to 1,500mg and she gave me a referral for a Fertility Specialist. In July, I was taking 2,000mg Metformin but even that wasn't working. It was time to take it to the next level. In August my Fertility Specialist added 50mg Clomid every day to the mix hoping to stimulate an egg follicle to grow. For a review on how complex ovulation really is click here. After 8 days and the start of intense hot flashes we did an ultrasound to see if anything was happening...nothing. My doctor increased my dose to 100mg every day plus the Metformin. 8 more days later and another ultrasound...follicles!!! They weren't /mature or big enough yet though. They needed to double in size. We came back 3 days later for another ultrasound...no growth. He increased the dose to 150mg Clomid and 2,000mg Metformin. 8 days later and after experiencing blurred vision and tracers in addition to the horrible hot flashes, the ultrasound showed 2 follicles that had "taken the lead" and were the appropriate size and ready to ovulate. SUCCESS!!!

Hold you're horses.

That is just the beginning. Now I had the follicles, but I still needed to release the egg, have it fertilized, and hope that it it implants. To ensure that the follicles launch the eggs (I might have released 2) I had to give myself a shot. We wanted to increase our chances of success, so 36 hours later Ryan gave a sperm sample *cough* that was washed, spun down and concentrated. An hour after the sample as given, I was artificially inseminated. We had homework too. For the next 3 days we needed to "get busy".

Now we wait.

Well, I do more than just wait. I still have to take the Metformin and Progesterone in addition to prenatal vitamins. Unfortunately, higher the doses of Clomid mean the thinner your uterine lining becomes. Eggs want thick luxurious lining to nestle down into. Progesterone helps build this lining. I was on near max dose of Clomid and because of my visual side effects, I won't be able to try it again. Vision is too closely connected to the brain and they don't want to take any chances. Good thing those 2 follicles were ready to go, otherwise we'd be back to square one.

After 2 weeks of waiting I take a pregnancy test to see if it actually worked.

I'm scared. What if it doesn't work? I've tried to keep myself emotionally distant so if it doesn't work I won't be completely heartbroken. I've always planned on adopting , so I have a back up plan, but in my heart of hearts I REALLY want this to happen. I want to feel my belly grow, and feel a little person moving inside. The process is so tedious and technically structured when you can't conceive naturally. Because of this, I've realized how special and miraculous having a baby truly is! There are SO many things that need to happen just to get pregnant let alone produce a healthy child (those are a whole new set of fears). If it doesn't work, I can't promise I won't cry.

There is so much frustration with not being able to conceive. I know pregnancy can be difficult, uncomfortable, and probably down right miserable, but sometimes it's hard to listen to friends and co-workers complain about their hardships when I would give anything for the same opportunity. Sometimes I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and say, "Be grateful damn it!" I hate to think that in my life time I've only had a handful of opportunities to conceive naturally, opportunities that I may never have again without intervention. Most women have the opportunity every month and often feel that it is a curse. I hope my lady friends pause and give thanks for the ability you have been given to be able to create life. I have to fight for that gift.

The entire process is very expensive. My insurance covers some, but not all of it. We haven't received any bills yet, and I'm a little nervous to see how much this endeavor will cost us. If it works, it was well worth it. If it doesn't we are looking at even more expensive options.

Sometimes it feels like I'm wishing for this:

When I've been given this:

I'd be happy to settle for something like this:

So today is the day. It's been 2 weeks.

I could use a prayer, positive energy, luck or a combination of all three.