Dog Days of Summer

Last month was dry. No clear mucous. No bleeding. Just the usual. Ugh! The guessing game all over again.

Was July a rare event?
Did we miss some cosmic alignment?
Wait, J, don't think this way.
At least something happened or is happening right?
It WAS different.
But, WHY was it different?
Was it some residual effect of fertility treatments and OHSS?
Why can't things be easy?
Everyone and their dog is pregnant around me...
ARRRGH!

It has been hard hearing about others good news. Seeing pregnant bellies get rounder as due dates get closer. Especially if the due dates were close to when I had been due. I am truly excited for all of my pregnant friends, but it doesn't mean I don't feel a sense of loss...a void that is just waiting to be filled. I feel I deserve the same. I want my Christmas baby.

Is it time to jump back on the fertility roller coaster? It's only been 4 months. Gillian told me not to expect any results for at least 9! That feel like forever.

PATIENCE!

I've been making progress and need to give my body some time to adjust to everything. I've been making a lot of changes and doing a lot of work.

*Acupuncture every week, sometimes twice. Luckily my insurance covers acupuncture with a co-pay.
*Powdered Traditional Chinese Medicine (TMC) herbs 3 times a day. *shiver* They are nasty and make me gag most of the time. Gillian changed the original formula (think flying squirrel feces) since I had a cycle. I am now on a bi-phasic formula...a progesterone formula followed by an estrogen formula
*Read Tao of Fertility and follow many of the recommendations. Ryan and I love this book. The best way to describe it is that it is gentle, compassionate even. It is not overwhelming and it inspires.
*Multiple supplements prescribed by Dr. Woodyard (formerly Dr. Christensen) that help with a mineral deficiency (potassium), lack of energy, headaches, digestion, and hormones.
*Adhere to a specialized diet based on a blood sample.
*Gentle exercise. I still get my heart rate up (road biking), I just make sure it isn't jarring (running).

In July, I sent Dr. W a small blood sample (the size of nickle) on a piece of of paper. She ran some sort of tests on it and determined what food intolerance's I have. Now, this is NOT the same as food allergies. Basically, my body uses too much energy to process certain foods and in effort have enough energy to process those foods for nutrients it robs different organs of that energy...namely, my ovaries. Food intolerance's are different for everyone...my diet restrictions may not be beneficial for anyone else. This also means if I slip up or allow myself a cheat day (Fridays) I don't get sick...I just punch myself in the ovaries a little bit. For the most part I've been really good about the diet and I am about 90-95% compliant. That is pretty damn good once you see what my restrictions are!

ABSOLUTELY NO DAIRY....WHAT??? That is my favorite food group! I live off of dairy. Yogurt, cereal, cheese, cottage cheese...it's my "go to" food. This means anything that CONTAINS dairy too. No cake, pastries, non-dairy creamer (yes, this has a dairy derivative in it), and most chocolate! Luckily Almond, Rice, Coconut, and Soy milk are great substitutes. I'm partial to Almond. I've found an almond yogurt (Amande- beware the photoshop is really bad) that is fruit juice sweetened, and an incredible coconut milk ice cream (So Delicious and Coconut Bliss) that don't use cane/refined sugars.

NO FRUIT WITH SUGAR COMBINATIONS...HUH??? What does that mean??? I can have fruit and I can have sugar, but I CAN'T have them together. They need to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. No homemade jam. No pie. No fruit flavored candy. No Jamba Juice. No soda(cola has essential fruit oils). It will boggle your mind how many foods have fruit and sugar together! Instead, I can have honey, maple syrup, maple sugar, agave, brown rice syrup and coconut nectar with fruit. It takes a little bit more money and a lot more time, but there are definitely options out there.

NO EGG WITH GRAINS COMBINATIONS??? Again, they have to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. Holy hell. Scratch pastries, cakes, cookies, breakfast burritos, restaurant omelets, and certain breads off the list. I could make you crazy listing everything that has eggs or has something derived from eggs in it.

I has been a challenge, but I'm proud of how compliant I've been. I don't get too nit picky about milk and egg derivatives. I just pay attention to the most obvious. I've actually been surprised by how many decent and delicious options DO exist (thank you Whole Foods). I probably consume less calories because I am now sans dairy, but I don't eat less food. I've started to loose my pouch that has been impossible to get rid of, and I seem to have fewer mood swings (per Ryan) and more sustained energy.

Following this regimen has kept me pretty busy. Hopefully it will set the stage for something GRAND.

You're the Prayer Inside Me...

I wasn't completely honest in my last post. Two days after the Ragnar Relay Race, it was time to take the home pregnancy test again. I had been disappointed in the past I didn't want to watch the stick develop and have my heart sink. Instead I turned it face down and let it develop for 10 minutes before I turned it over with Ryan beside me.

*gasp*

It was positive!!! I was shocked. Speechless. Is it for real?

Although I had just come home from a long night shift, we headed back to the hospital for blood work confirming the pregnancy. I slept in fits waiting for Dr. K to call me with the results.

*gasp*

It was positive!!!

I don't think I really believed it would work this cycle. I didn't have the hope that I had last cycle. It didn't seem real. I wanted to tell the world, but it was still early and everyone says you should wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag...just in case.

The next night I was in so much pain I texted Dr. K and he told me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound. He confirmed that I had OHSS. Since I was pregnant, Dr. K informed me that it could take weeks to months for the swelling in my belly to go down and it might get worse before it gets better. By that time, I might have a baby bump anyway! He told me to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. Take work off if I needed to. An ultrasound was scheduled two weeks later to see the heart beat. I was so EXCITED!

Was it because of the acupuncture?

Was it because my ovaries were overstimulated?

Was it because I wasn't working much these last few weeks?

Was it because I'm not as stressed?

I told my Nurse Manager the good news and showed her my bulging belly. It was pretty obvious how painful it was. Luckily work was slow and she was able to take me off the schedule for the week. The following week I was on call and never got called in. 2 weeks to take it easy...was NOT easy!! I was bored out of my brains but couldn't stand for very long and got winded going up the stairs. I was literally in bed for most of those 2 weeks. It felt like torture and was in a world of hurt.

When I did go back to work people were suspicious. Co-workers commented that I had a "glow" and many asked how the fertility treatments were going...trying to pry information out of me. A few were bold enough to ask outright if I was pregnant. I laughed and told them, "I hope so!"

It still didn't feel real, but sometimes I remembered that there was a little person starting to grow inside me. I would whisper sweet things to this little being. Tell it all that I hoped for... trying to ignore and hide my fears. I started a list of names, I spent hours finding websites, and checked out half the library.

Ryan met after a night shift for the 6 week ultrasound to see the heartbeat. He was so excited, he brought the camera. Dr. K put the gel on my swollen belly, and worked his way around my huge ovaries. The excitement faded quickly.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

Dr. K apologized and told us that the embryonic sac was much too small for how far along I was and he didn't see a heartbeat. It was an abnormal pregnancy and possibly ectopic. I would most likely miscarry, but they would draw labs to make sure.

I was numb.

Based on my Hcg levels when we confirmed pregnancy at 2 weeks, my Hcg should now be 25,000. It doubles every other day. My Hcg levels were only 875. Dr. K told me I should stop taking the progesterone to allow for a miscarriage.

What if something crazy happened. Since I had so many follicles that were borderline, is it possible that I ovulated later? What if I was pregnant, but it didn't take and I ovulated a few days later and a new egg implanted....

What if...

What if...

What if...

I wasn't ready to let go of something I had worked so hard for, and suffered so much pain for. Dr. K let me wait two more days and do follow up blood work to see if my Hcg levels would double like they should. My Hcg levels two days later were barely over 1,000 when it should have been at least 1,750.

Was it because of the Ibuprofen?

Was it because I ran the race?

Was it because I took Ex-Lax?

Was it because I took a suppository?

I stopped taking the progesterone and waited to start bleeding. It was Mother's Day weekend as well as my birthday and we had plans to go camping. Dr. K was concerned that I wouldn't be near civilization if anything were to happen, but I wanted needed to get away for a few days. Maybe I'm a little dramantic (romantic + dramatic), but I wanted to bury my little one in the beauty of nature rather than have it flushed down the toilet.

I didn't bleed.

Since my ovaries were still gigantic, they were producing high levels of progesterone and keeping the pregnancy. I would need to take medications for force a miscarriage, otherwise the embryonic sac would continue to grow and would result in a more painful and traumatic miscarriage later. What if I wasn't supposed to miscarry? What if it really was a viable pregnancy? I didn't want to miscarry unless I absolutely knew that this was an abnormal pregnancy. Dr. K. scheduled another ultrasound. I was now 7 weeks pregnant.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

I picked up my prescription and inserted the 4 pills. The cramps started within an hour and lasted 36. It was several hours until I started to bleed, followed by 2 weeks of severe depression.

I cried as bled into the toilet.

Do I have a hostile uterus?

Are my eggs poor quality?

What is wrong with me?

I cried when I flushed my prayer, my hope, my heart.


Once upon a time I was pregnant...