Fun and Games

Rainbow Bridge

Ryan and I have been doing a fair amount of sneaking out of town this summer. A few weeks ago, we went on the sly to a mini Darton Family reunion in Lake Powell, followed by a mini Merkley Family reunion in Durango, CO. It was 11 days of awesome.

Sitting in a stall at Denny's the morning we arrived at Lake Powell, I was amazed I had managed to do it again. My body was producing clear and stretchy fertility mucous. The lighting wasn't the greatest, but I was pretty certain it was the real deal.

"Ryan, this might be hard to do without everyone knowing what is going on, but we need to make time for some baby making while we are here."

"Really? It's milky?...Okay. Can we wait until tonight after everyone goes to bed?"

"No! It's clear! I don't want to wait until tonight. We need to get started ASAP! I want to give this every opportunity we can to actually happen."

With only a thin piece of fabric separating us from the rest of his family we starting the process of making a baby. ;) We were definitely quiet...maybe too quiet. We tried to be secretive, but it was obvious what we were up to.

"Boy, it sure took you two a long time to change into your swimsuits." snicker, snicker

I tried to hide what was going on, but I gave up after 1 day. It was so much easier to let everyone in on what we were up to and have their support. Besides, I'm a terrible liar. Especially when my mother-in-law and the rest of the family asked very direct questions.

Stephany

Ryan catching some air

Jo, Kate, and MJ with dresses I made for the Darton girls (Raine was sleeping and Fisher doesn't wear dresses). I can't believe I didn't take a family photo of everyone! Tsk, tsk.

We spent the next 11 days water skiing, wake boarding, swimming, lounging, biking, hiking, fishing, playing, riding the train, and gorging on food with both of our families. Full of nieces and nephews and stress free.

On the way to Silverton, CO

Richard, Marshawn, Mom, Dan, Annecy, Ryan, me, Jonas, and John. Where was Erin and Dave? Sophie, Jed and Truman were in school. :(

2 weeks after the clear, stretchy mucous I expected to have my period. Nothing. Was. Happening.

AARRGGHH!

On our way to go road biking I had a melt down.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T MY BODY BE NORMAL? PERHAPS THE TINIEST BIT PREDICTABLE? I JUST WANT A BABY!

I was bawling. Seriously. I got so excited about that clear mucous. I thought that maybe a pattern was starting so we could actually make some progress on this baby business. I was wrong. My body is such a jerk.

"Oh....haha...this is going to be so funny...here have a cycle. But only one! heehee. You haven't had a natural one in 12 years...isn't that funny? Nope, not this month! What? You don't like playing keep away? hehehe. Just because I gave you one in July, doesn't mean you can have one in August too. Hahahaha! You should have seen your face when you had that fertility mucous! HILARIOUS! Even better? When you didn't start your period. You know, you're not very cute when you cry. hahaha!"

Bitch.

I'm grateful for this bitch, because on Thursday morning in resignation I took a pregnancy test, fully expecting negative results and positive confirmation that my body is truly cruel, but instead it came back positive. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Yep. I peed on 5 sticks in disbelief. All of them came back positive. To be fair I didn't trust the first 3 after I noticed a misspelled word on the packaging. Later that morning I had blood work to confirm that I was indeed pregnant.

I AM PREGNANT!!!!

Although I am grateful, my body can still be a bitch. That very night I started spotting and had some mild cramping.

I flipped out.

NO NO NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NO!

Sobbing, I called my Fertility MD, Naturopathic MD, acupuncturist, mom, sister, brother, best friend. Dr. K and Dr. W agreed that taking progesterone to help keep the baby was a good idea even though my blood work earlier that day "looked good", but it wouldn't ultimately prevent a miscarriage if that is what my body wanted to do. I had the opportunity to go in yesterday to have more labs done, but I decided not to send my mind into a tailspin.

Last time my numbers weren't increasing how Dr. K wanted them to and said the pregnancy was abnormal. Following his advice, the pregnancy was terminated. Since then, I have tortured myself about that decision after finding a website filled with stories about women in similar or IDENTICAL situations that decided to trust their intuition and bodies and then went on to have healthy babies. I don't want to go through that again.

We said a heartfelt prayer.

PEACE.

I don't feel worried. I am taking the progesterone. The bleeding and cramping has stopped. On Monday I'll have more labs drawn to make sure my hormone levels are increasing properly. If it turns out for the worst, the silver lining is that I was able to do this without heavy duty hormones. Hopefully I will have success again. I don't look forward to another game of keep away, but something is definitely working!

Praise the Lord and the Chinese!

Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times

I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.

I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!

Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.

BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!

I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.

People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"

Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.

I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.

Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.

I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.

My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.

My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.

I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!

Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.

You're the Prayer Inside Me...

I wasn't completely honest in my last post. Two days after the Ragnar Relay Race, it was time to take the home pregnancy test again. I had been disappointed in the past I didn't want to watch the stick develop and have my heart sink. Instead I turned it face down and let it develop for 10 minutes before I turned it over with Ryan beside me.

*gasp*

It was positive!!! I was shocked. Speechless. Is it for real?

Although I had just come home from a long night shift, we headed back to the hospital for blood work confirming the pregnancy. I slept in fits waiting for Dr. K to call me with the results.

*gasp*

It was positive!!!

I don't think I really believed it would work this cycle. I didn't have the hope that I had last cycle. It didn't seem real. I wanted to tell the world, but it was still early and everyone says you should wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag...just in case.

The next night I was in so much pain I texted Dr. K and he told me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound. He confirmed that I had OHSS. Since I was pregnant, Dr. K informed me that it could take weeks to months for the swelling in my belly to go down and it might get worse before it gets better. By that time, I might have a baby bump anyway! He told me to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. Take work off if I needed to. An ultrasound was scheduled two weeks later to see the heart beat. I was so EXCITED!

Was it because of the acupuncture?

Was it because my ovaries were overstimulated?

Was it because I wasn't working much these last few weeks?

Was it because I'm not as stressed?

I told my Nurse Manager the good news and showed her my bulging belly. It was pretty obvious how painful it was. Luckily work was slow and she was able to take me off the schedule for the week. The following week I was on call and never got called in. 2 weeks to take it easy...was NOT easy!! I was bored out of my brains but couldn't stand for very long and got winded going up the stairs. I was literally in bed for most of those 2 weeks. It felt like torture and was in a world of hurt.

When I did go back to work people were suspicious. Co-workers commented that I had a "glow" and many asked how the fertility treatments were going...trying to pry information out of me. A few were bold enough to ask outright if I was pregnant. I laughed and told them, "I hope so!"

It still didn't feel real, but sometimes I remembered that there was a little person starting to grow inside me. I would whisper sweet things to this little being. Tell it all that I hoped for... trying to ignore and hide my fears. I started a list of names, I spent hours finding websites, and checked out half the library.

Ryan met after a night shift for the 6 week ultrasound to see the heartbeat. He was so excited, he brought the camera. Dr. K put the gel on my swollen belly, and worked his way around my huge ovaries. The excitement faded quickly.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

Dr. K apologized and told us that the embryonic sac was much too small for how far along I was and he didn't see a heartbeat. It was an abnormal pregnancy and possibly ectopic. I would most likely miscarry, but they would draw labs to make sure.

I was numb.

Based on my Hcg levels when we confirmed pregnancy at 2 weeks, my Hcg should now be 25,000. It doubles every other day. My Hcg levels were only 875. Dr. K told me I should stop taking the progesterone to allow for a miscarriage.

What if something crazy happened. Since I had so many follicles that were borderline, is it possible that I ovulated later? What if I was pregnant, but it didn't take and I ovulated a few days later and a new egg implanted....

What if...

What if...

What if...

I wasn't ready to let go of something I had worked so hard for, and suffered so much pain for. Dr. K let me wait two more days and do follow up blood work to see if my Hcg levels would double like they should. My Hcg levels two days later were barely over 1,000 when it should have been at least 1,750.

Was it because of the Ibuprofen?

Was it because I ran the race?

Was it because I took Ex-Lax?

Was it because I took a suppository?

I stopped taking the progesterone and waited to start bleeding. It was Mother's Day weekend as well as my birthday and we had plans to go camping. Dr. K was concerned that I wouldn't be near civilization if anything were to happen, but I wanted needed to get away for a few days. Maybe I'm a little dramantic (romantic + dramatic), but I wanted to bury my little one in the beauty of nature rather than have it flushed down the toilet.

I didn't bleed.

Since my ovaries were still gigantic, they were producing high levels of progesterone and keeping the pregnancy. I would need to take medications for force a miscarriage, otherwise the embryonic sac would continue to grow and would result in a more painful and traumatic miscarriage later. What if I wasn't supposed to miscarry? What if it really was a viable pregnancy? I didn't want to miscarry unless I absolutely knew that this was an abnormal pregnancy. Dr. K. scheduled another ultrasound. I was now 7 weeks pregnant.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

I picked up my prescription and inserted the 4 pills. The cramps started within an hour and lasted 36. It was several hours until I started to bleed, followed by 2 weeks of severe depression.

I cried as bled into the toilet.

Do I have a hostile uterus?

Are my eggs poor quality?

What is wrong with me?

I cried when I flushed my prayer, my hope, my heart.


Once upon a time I was pregnant...