Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times

I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.

I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!

Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.

BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!

I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.

People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"

Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.

I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.

Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.

I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.

My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.

My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.

I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!

Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.

You're a Poem of Mystery

The last 6 weeks have been rough for me. This last round of fertility treatments has done a huge number on my body. A little recap...

My follicles were a little sluggish responding to the medication, growing slowly and requiring larger doses. It seemed that there wasn't a follicle that wanted to take the lead, so we just kept plugging along and increasing the dose or the number of days I took a certain dose. Till the bitter end, not one claimed the leadership role. Finally I had 3 that were large (mature) enough to release an egg, the problem was that I had no less than 6 and possibly 9 others that were borderline mature and could possibly ovulate as well. Dr. K reiterated the risk of having multiples, but we again hedged our bets since we've faced that risk before and come up empty handed. We decided to go for it and did the insemination.

That weekend I went with a group of girls to San Diego where we spent our days relaxing and being lazy. It was refreshing and a little alien to not have anything to do. However I was feeling a little self conscious next to these beautiful twiggy girls since I was noticeably bloated. I didn't think too much of it and it seemed to go away once I got back to L.A.

The following weekend was Ragnar. Ryan and I had been training (not too intensely) for this 200 mile relay race for the past several months. We were excited and admittedly nervous. Neither of us had ever done a race before, but we heard it is a lot of fun and less about running than it is about the experience. We borrowed vans from Toy Bombs and Gardner and decked them out in true Rompompachop (our team name) style. Everything was green light go...except for my belly. I was bloated again! It was even worse this time!

My first leg I prepared by taking popping 800mg of Ibuprofen before my run to muscle through the pain and avoid any headaches that I'm notorious for. Things went fairly well, but something definitely had to be done about my gas because Gas-X wasn't working. At least that's what I thought was causing the bloating. Maybe I was constipated and the gas couldn't get through the road block.

Before my next leg, we stopped by the store and bought some Ex-Lax, and suppositories. I would flush it out and be good to go! The Ex-Lax worked like a charm and I felt 75% better. I was able to rest comfortably before our next leg. I spoke too soon! By the time it was my turn to run, I was bloated again! Good thing it was a shorter leg. I popped another 600mg Ibupofen and was on my way.

Next solution...the dreaded suppository. It worked to say the least and I felt a bit better, but not was well as after the Ex-Lax. There is no possible way that anything was blocking gas from getting out now, but I was STILL bloated! I was so bloated that I was short of breath and looked more and more square. Although painful, I popped another 400mg Ibuprofen and suffered through my last leg to the end without adding too much to my anticipated time.

We finished the race behind schedule, but with high spirits. It was a lot of fun and would do it again next year...as long as I'm not bloated.

As it turns out it wasn't gas. Remember OHSS? Yep. This time it was for real. Yeah, last time I was pretty much a wimp. This time it was the real deal. I kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I called Dr. K. at 1:30am because it was so painful I couldn't sleep and I was having a hard time breathing. He scheduled an ultrasound the next morning and it confirmed that it was indeed OHSS and my ovaries were 5"x7"....or the size of oranges. They were so large that they were pressing on my innards and diaphragm and making it hard for me to breathe. Sure breathing was a concern, but a bigger concern was making sure my ovaries didn't twist on themselves and cut off blood circulation, essentially killing the ovary. I also had to carefully monitor my fluid balance. When ovaries are that large they get "leaky" and leak fluid into the abdomen (ascites) which is very painful and can cause electrolyte imbalances that need to be corrected in the hospital. If I collected too much fluid too quickly in my abdomen they would have to aspirate some of the fluid out with a needle....Yikes! At this point Dr. K told me to take it easy and limit my physical activity and avoid Ibuprofen. Wait. WHAT?! I just ran a race! I told him that we had just finished a race not more than 36 hours earlier and I was popping ibuprofen like it was candy and his facial expression was the equivalent of him shitting his pants. The average person wouldn't pick up on it because Doctors are masters at masking emotion (it's part of the job), but being a nurse I have developed a keen awareness to subtle twitches and stiffness that betrays the calm they portray. I knew it was pretty serious by his response.

Apparently if you are attempting to become or already are pregnant you should stay clear of Ibuprofen. I did not know this...and I'm a nurse! What the hell? Is this common knowledge? I asked around the unit at work, and not a single person knew this...unless they had recently been pregnant and only because their OB/GYN gave them a list of meds to stay away from. Geez it would have been nice to know BEFORE hand that Ibuprofen is a no no! Before anyone gets on their high horse about how I should have known better or looked it up in Drug Handbook...I'm sorry I don't have time to look up every medication, and I thought my MD would for sure give me a list of medications to avoid, especially since I've asked before if there was anything I should stay away from.

As far as the swelling was concerned, Dr. K could only recommend Tylenol and heat packs. If the pregnancy test was negative they could give me a medication for it to go down more quickly, but if I ended up pregnant then I was looking forward to having a swollen belly for weeks to months.

No working for me for a couple of weeks. Good thing it was slow at work and I kept getting called off.

I could hardly breathe, gained 10 lbs of water weight, was in a lot of pain and looked 6 months pregnant. This better be worth it!

That was the first 2 weeks....

Crazy

I wish I could imbed the Official video...

Truthfully, I don't think I've ever had PMS, or it was so long ago that I don't remember what it is like. This is logical considering I don't menstruate and my progesterone levels have proven to be low. However, this doesn't get me off the hook. This means is that I can't blame any of my bitchiness on PMS. No scapegoat for me. Yep. I can be a bitch. For no reason at all (I'm sure I feel like there is a good reason at the time, but there usually isn't).

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about doubting the power of hormones and subsequently PMS. Whoa! I've been humbled during the infertility process and I am in awe at how intricate and amazing the human body is and what a delicate system it is. One deficient chemical and the whole baby making process fails. I am in awe yet again.

Lemme splain.

After the IUI, Dr. K. put me on 200mg Prometrium twice a day to keep my lining thick for implantation. Progesterone is an enigma...or maybe snake oil. Take your pick. I've read that it causes cancer, prevents cancer, treats menopause, initiates menses, prevents miscarriage, controls PCOS, clears skin, treats migraines as well as PMS. Some people have a wonderful time on progesterone. It increases their sex drive, helps them sleep, improves their mood, etc. However, progesterone has a dark side for some people... irritability, bloating, depression, dizziness, shortness of breath, headaches, anxiety, and on and on and on....

I've reached a whole new level of crazy with Prometrium. The dose may be higher than what an average woman produces, but nonetheless I feel like I have some serious roid rage of the Incredible Hulk variety. Throwing the fridge off the balcony kind of crazy.

Thankfully I am aware of it and don't act on theses urges, but it is incredibly frustrating to be so angry for no apparent reason. Poor Ryan. I've found I start to feel better when I talk it out, but I'm sure my rants are not fun for the listener. I try to keep myself in check and if I feel the hot rage bubbling up I try to keep my mouth shut and seek some solitude. Sometimes I think the self isolation makes the frustration even worse, but I don't know which is better.

If it turns out I am pregnant (test is this Sunday) I am supposed to keep taking progesterone for 8 more weeks! I don't know if I can handle 8 more weeks of crazy, so I called Dr. K. If I am pregnant we will reevaluate my natural progesterone levels and hopefully reduce the dose...if we can.

You might want to include Ryan's survival in your prayers for us.

Do you think Ryan would get me a Great Sword for Valentines Day?