13 weeks

Yay! I'm past my first trimester. I guess I can officially let the cat out of the bag...I'm pregnant! ;)

Tuesday I had another ultrasound. I was nervous and excited, and it ended up being wonderful and amazing.

I was in awe, how in a few short weeks our child went from looking like some sort of alien puppy thing, to an actual baby with an adorable little profile. I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I saw the baby yawn (or take a drink of amniotic fluid). I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with this little peanut. I wish I could watch him/her every day. I can't wait until our next ultrasound at 17 weeks!

Things have been rough for me mentally and emotionally since I am not taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants while I'm pregnant. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper and it gets harder and harder to find ways to cope, or even remain aware of what the situation really is. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I don't like feeling this way, and I start to worry that the chemical imbalance within my body/brain are negatively affecting my growing child. How does depression and anxiety affect a growing fetus? These thoughts then lead to thoughts of whether I'll be able to stay off of meds long enough to breastfeed for a decent amount of time...and if I can't does that mean I have failed? If I don't get a handle on my mental and emotional health quickly after the birth I worry that I will end up being a total train wreck. I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the stress of being a new mom, even though I have been wanting this since I can remember. I don't want to mess this kid up. I don't want to give it any of my baggage...only love and happiness.

Watching the video of our last ultrasound reminds me that despite all of the fear and stress, this little bean is worth it. My heart melts every time I see that profile.

Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times

I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.

I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!

Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.

BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!

I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.

People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"

Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.

I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.

Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.

I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.

My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.

My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.

I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!

Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.

You're the Prayer Inside Me...

I wasn't completely honest in my last post. Two days after the Ragnar Relay Race, it was time to take the home pregnancy test again. I had been disappointed in the past I didn't want to watch the stick develop and have my heart sink. Instead I turned it face down and let it develop for 10 minutes before I turned it over with Ryan beside me.

*gasp*

It was positive!!! I was shocked. Speechless. Is it for real?

Although I had just come home from a long night shift, we headed back to the hospital for blood work confirming the pregnancy. I slept in fits waiting for Dr. K to call me with the results.

*gasp*

It was positive!!!

I don't think I really believed it would work this cycle. I didn't have the hope that I had last cycle. It didn't seem real. I wanted to tell the world, but it was still early and everyone says you should wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag...just in case.

The next night I was in so much pain I texted Dr. K and he told me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound. He confirmed that I had OHSS. Since I was pregnant, Dr. K informed me that it could take weeks to months for the swelling in my belly to go down and it might get worse before it gets better. By that time, I might have a baby bump anyway! He told me to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. Take work off if I needed to. An ultrasound was scheduled two weeks later to see the heart beat. I was so EXCITED!

Was it because of the acupuncture?

Was it because my ovaries were overstimulated?

Was it because I wasn't working much these last few weeks?

Was it because I'm not as stressed?

I told my Nurse Manager the good news and showed her my bulging belly. It was pretty obvious how painful it was. Luckily work was slow and she was able to take me off the schedule for the week. The following week I was on call and never got called in. 2 weeks to take it easy...was NOT easy!! I was bored out of my brains but couldn't stand for very long and got winded going up the stairs. I was literally in bed for most of those 2 weeks. It felt like torture and was in a world of hurt.

When I did go back to work people were suspicious. Co-workers commented that I had a "glow" and many asked how the fertility treatments were going...trying to pry information out of me. A few were bold enough to ask outright if I was pregnant. I laughed and told them, "I hope so!"

It still didn't feel real, but sometimes I remembered that there was a little person starting to grow inside me. I would whisper sweet things to this little being. Tell it all that I hoped for... trying to ignore and hide my fears. I started a list of names, I spent hours finding websites, and checked out half the library.

Ryan met after a night shift for the 6 week ultrasound to see the heartbeat. He was so excited, he brought the camera. Dr. K put the gel on my swollen belly, and worked his way around my huge ovaries. The excitement faded quickly.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

Dr. K apologized and told us that the embryonic sac was much too small for how far along I was and he didn't see a heartbeat. It was an abnormal pregnancy and possibly ectopic. I would most likely miscarry, but they would draw labs to make sure.

I was numb.

Based on my Hcg levels when we confirmed pregnancy at 2 weeks, my Hcg should now be 25,000. It doubles every other day. My Hcg levels were only 875. Dr. K told me I should stop taking the progesterone to allow for a miscarriage.

What if something crazy happened. Since I had so many follicles that were borderline, is it possible that I ovulated later? What if I was pregnant, but it didn't take and I ovulated a few days later and a new egg implanted....

What if...

What if...

What if...

I wasn't ready to let go of something I had worked so hard for, and suffered so much pain for. Dr. K let me wait two more days and do follow up blood work to see if my Hcg levels would double like they should. My Hcg levels two days later were barely over 1,000 when it should have been at least 1,750.

Was it because of the Ibuprofen?

Was it because I ran the race?

Was it because I took Ex-Lax?

Was it because I took a suppository?

I stopped taking the progesterone and waited to start bleeding. It was Mother's Day weekend as well as my birthday and we had plans to go camping. Dr. K was concerned that I wouldn't be near civilization if anything were to happen, but I wanted needed to get away for a few days. Maybe I'm a little dramantic (romantic + dramatic), but I wanted to bury my little one in the beauty of nature rather than have it flushed down the toilet.

I didn't bleed.

Since my ovaries were still gigantic, they were producing high levels of progesterone and keeping the pregnancy. I would need to take medications for force a miscarriage, otherwise the embryonic sac would continue to grow and would result in a more painful and traumatic miscarriage later. What if I wasn't supposed to miscarry? What if it really was a viable pregnancy? I didn't want to miscarry unless I absolutely knew that this was an abnormal pregnancy. Dr. K. scheduled another ultrasound. I was now 7 weeks pregnant.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

I picked up my prescription and inserted the 4 pills. The cramps started within an hour and lasted 36. It was several hours until I started to bleed, followed by 2 weeks of severe depression.

I cried as bled into the toilet.

Do I have a hostile uterus?

Are my eggs poor quality?

What is wrong with me?

I cried when I flushed my prayer, my hope, my heart.


Once upon a time I was pregnant...

Strike Three

*Sigh*

I've had a hard time getting up the energy to blog about this again, but I guess I want to document my journey. Maybe one day in the future (hopefully with a baby in my arms), I'll be able to look back and say, "Whew, I'm sure glad that's over. It was worth it, but man that was a bumpy ride."

Here's the skinny....

Since I responded almost too well to 75 IU of Follistim last round, Dr. K. had me start with 50 IU this round. 3 days and an ultrasound later, I had produced a lot of little follicles, but none of them were nearly the size they should have been. Dr. K. bumped the dose up to 75 IU for 2 days with an ultrasound to follow. *grumble* Now the ultrasound showed a lot of medium sized follicles, but none had "taken the lead" or were big enough to ovulate yet. So Dr. K. had me do 2 more days with 75 IU with another ultrasound to follow.

The next ultrasound showed I had a lot of large-ish follicles, but none were quite ready to ovulate again! Dr. K. decreased my Follistim dose to 37.5 IU for two days with an ultrasound to follow in hopes that a few of the follicles would finally be ready to ovulate.

By this time I could really feel it. By it I mean it was painful. It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the ovaries. Essentially they were like expanding balloons, stretching tighter and tighter. It hurt to run, it hurt to stretch, I was bloated, had diarrhea, nausea and the beginnings of a nasty headache that would last a week. Remember OHSS? I pretty much had mild/moderate symptoms of OHSS and it sucked big time.

Back at Dr. K's office I had not one, two, three, even four follicles taking the lead, I had a lot of huge-ish follicles that could potentially ovulate. I think he counted 4 follicles that would definitely ovulate and 6 more that might ovulate. Dr. K. filled us in on the potential risks (multiples) with proceeding with the IUI and gave us the option of abstaining this round. It felt like such a waste to sit this one out. A waste of money, time, and discomfort if we didn't do it. I didn't want my suffering to have been for nothing...I wanted to go for it. Theoretically we had 3-4 eggs last time that didn't "take"...maybe we would be increasing our odds.


To spare me some of the rage, Dr. K. cut my progesterone dose in half for the first five days. Ryan and I were sneaky and took a short trip to Durango to visit my sister and her family. I totally expected to feel a little bit of rage while I was there and even worried I might get short tempered with my niece and nephews, but I didn't.

Sadly, my progesterone levels after 5 days weren't high enough so Dr. K. bumped me back up to 200mg Progesterone twice a day. I expected to Hulk out on the higher dose, but I didn't. I actually felt pretty good, normal even. My ovaries weren't hurting any more, I wasn't bloated or nauseous, and my headache was gone. Finally!

As you can tell from the picture above, I took the pregnancy test on 2/22 and it was negative. WTF is an understatement. Are my eggs bad? Is my lining healthy? What is going on? Do I have a hostile uterus? I want some answers. We had felt really good about this round since I had so many follicles and didn't Hulk out. It was really hard seeing the result come back negative for a third time.

Tomorrow I am trying acupuncture for infertility. There are currently several research studies going on that have shown some favorable results. Maybe when East meets West I'll get lucky.

Rinse, Repeat

Stress Test

You know those stress tests that you can take? The one that ranks different stressors over the past year and rates your stress level accordingly? Well, I think mine is off the charts!

Ryan and I weren't planning on moving when he proposed. The market was down, interest rates were low...it seemed like a great idea. We bought a house. Ryan already had a house that we planned to rent. We were on our way to building our own real estate empire! One month after we had moved in, Kid Theodore decided that it was time to move to L.A. and take a shot at the big time. Ryan's band has been working hard for over three years and had recently won several contests that included a spot at a the CMJ Festival in New York, but we didn't think we'd be moving so soon. Of course this is the road that the band SHOULD take! They've got to go while there's a buzz!

The situation go sticky for us. We had started renovating. *groan* Stuff that we had planned to take our time on now had be finished by June! Had we left it alone, we could've rented the places and left. We had 2 homes to get rental ready and the best way to tackle it was for Ryan work full time on the properties while I worked. Poor Ryan. He worked his butt off, but I found out how talented my husband really is!

Meanwhile, I reworked my resume and applied for jobs in the L.A. area. Jobs were tight even for nurses, but I managed to get 5 interviews and 5 offers! I accepted a position at UCLA's PICU. I looked for apartments when I flew out for paperwork and drug testing. I found a bright 2 bedroom place in West Hollywood near the LaBrea Tar Pits and Little Ethiopia.

Here is a short list of some of what we accomplished before we left.

Denver Street
1. Landscaped the back yard jungle - tilled, re-sod, brick lined river rock pathway, & bark chips
2. Kicked out unsavory tennants dealing drugs
3. Deep cleaned house after unsavory tennants moved
4. Painted dining room, mud room, and 3 bed rooms
5. Rebuilt chimney
6. Painted eaves
7. Replaced rain gutters
8. Rebuilt porch steps with wood



Wilson Avenue
1. Ripped out old carpet from upstairs
2. Steamed off wall/ceiling paper, patched, sanded and painted living room, dining room, kitchen and bathroom
3. Painted kitchen cabinets and 2 bedrooms
4. Gutted the basement to the studs
5. Rebuilt basement to have 2 bedrooms and a bathroom plus storage in the laundry room (framed, plumbed, electrical, sheet rocked, taped, mudded, sanded, hung doors, nailed in baseboards)
6. New insulation throughout
7. Painted entire basement
8. Tiled basement bathroom
9. Carpeted basement bedrooms and hallway
10. New 90% efficient furnace/AC unit
11. Weeded flower beds and placed bark chips
12. Re-seeded area of lawn
13. Trimmed pine tree






I can't believe we pulled it off!