Dog Days of Summer

Last month was dry. No clear mucous. No bleeding. Just the usual. Ugh! The guessing game all over again.

Was July a rare event?
Did we miss some cosmic alignment?
Wait, J, don't think this way.
At least something happened or is happening right?
It WAS different.
But, WHY was it different?
Was it some residual effect of fertility treatments and OHSS?
Why can't things be easy?
Everyone and their dog is pregnant around me...
ARRRGH!

It has been hard hearing about others good news. Seeing pregnant bellies get rounder as due dates get closer. Especially if the due dates were close to when I had been due. I am truly excited for all of my pregnant friends, but it doesn't mean I don't feel a sense of loss...a void that is just waiting to be filled. I feel I deserve the same. I want my Christmas baby.

Is it time to jump back on the fertility roller coaster? It's only been 4 months. Gillian told me not to expect any results for at least 9! That feel like forever.

PATIENCE!

I've been making progress and need to give my body some time to adjust to everything. I've been making a lot of changes and doing a lot of work.

*Acupuncture every week, sometimes twice. Luckily my insurance covers acupuncture with a co-pay.
*Powdered Traditional Chinese Medicine (TMC) herbs 3 times a day. *shiver* They are nasty and make me gag most of the time. Gillian changed the original formula (think flying squirrel feces) since I had a cycle. I am now on a bi-phasic formula...a progesterone formula followed by an estrogen formula
*Read Tao of Fertility and follow many of the recommendations. Ryan and I love this book. The best way to describe it is that it is gentle, compassionate even. It is not overwhelming and it inspires.
*Multiple supplements prescribed by Dr. Woodyard (formerly Dr. Christensen) that help with a mineral deficiency (potassium), lack of energy, headaches, digestion, and hormones.
*Adhere to a specialized diet based on a blood sample.
*Gentle exercise. I still get my heart rate up (road biking), I just make sure it isn't jarring (running).

In July, I sent Dr. W a small blood sample (the size of nickle) on a piece of of paper. She ran some sort of tests on it and determined what food intolerance's I have. Now, this is NOT the same as food allergies. Basically, my body uses too much energy to process certain foods and in effort have enough energy to process those foods for nutrients it robs different organs of that energy...namely, my ovaries. Food intolerance's are different for everyone...my diet restrictions may not be beneficial for anyone else. This also means if I slip up or allow myself a cheat day (Fridays) I don't get sick...I just punch myself in the ovaries a little bit. For the most part I've been really good about the diet and I am about 90-95% compliant. That is pretty damn good once you see what my restrictions are!

ABSOLUTELY NO DAIRY....WHAT??? That is my favorite food group! I live off of dairy. Yogurt, cereal, cheese, cottage cheese...it's my "go to" food. This means anything that CONTAINS dairy too. No cake, pastries, non-dairy creamer (yes, this has a dairy derivative in it), and most chocolate! Luckily Almond, Rice, Coconut, and Soy milk are great substitutes. I'm partial to Almond. I've found an almond yogurt (Amande- beware the photoshop is really bad) that is fruit juice sweetened, and an incredible coconut milk ice cream (So Delicious and Coconut Bliss) that don't use cane/refined sugars.

NO FRUIT WITH SUGAR COMBINATIONS...HUH??? What does that mean??? I can have fruit and I can have sugar, but I CAN'T have them together. They need to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. No homemade jam. No pie. No fruit flavored candy. No Jamba Juice. No soda(cola has essential fruit oils). It will boggle your mind how many foods have fruit and sugar together! Instead, I can have honey, maple syrup, maple sugar, agave, brown rice syrup and coconut nectar with fruit. It takes a little bit more money and a lot more time, but there are definitely options out there.

NO EGG WITH GRAINS COMBINATIONS??? Again, they have to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. Holy hell. Scratch pastries, cakes, cookies, breakfast burritos, restaurant omelets, and certain breads off the list. I could make you crazy listing everything that has eggs or has something derived from eggs in it.

I has been a challenge, but I'm proud of how compliant I've been. I don't get too nit picky about milk and egg derivatives. I just pay attention to the most obvious. I've actually been surprised by how many decent and delicious options DO exist (thank you Whole Foods). I probably consume less calories because I am now sans dairy, but I don't eat less food. I've started to loose my pouch that has been impossible to get rid of, and I seem to have fewer mood swings (per Ryan) and more sustained energy.

Following this regimen has kept me pretty busy. Hopefully it will set the stage for something GRAND.

Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times

I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.

I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.

WHAT ABOUT ME?

Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!

Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.

BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!

I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.

People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"

Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.

I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.

Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.

I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.

My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.

My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.

I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!

Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.