Yay! I'm past my first trimester. I guess I can officially let the cat out of the bag...I'm pregnant! ;)
Tuesday I had another ultrasound. I was nervous and excited, and it ended up being wonderful and amazing.
I was in awe, how in a few short weeks our child went from looking like some sort of alien puppy thing, to an actual baby with an adorable little profile. I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I saw the baby yawn (or take a drink of amniotic fluid). I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with this little peanut. I wish I could watch him/her every day. I can't wait until our next ultrasound at 17 weeks!
Things have been rough for me mentally and emotionally since I am not taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants while I'm pregnant. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper and it gets harder and harder to find ways to cope, or even remain aware of what the situation really is. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I don't like feeling this way, and I start to worry that the chemical imbalance within my body/brain are negatively affecting my growing child. How does depression and anxiety affect a growing fetus? These thoughts then lead to thoughts of whether I'll be able to stay off of meds long enough to breastfeed for a decent amount of time...and if I can't does that mean I have failed? If I don't get a handle on my mental and emotional health quickly after the birth I worry that I will end up being a total train wreck. I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the stress of being a new mom, even though I have been wanting this since I can remember. I don't want to mess this kid up. I don't want to give it any of my baggage...only love and happiness.
Watching the video of our last ultrasound reminds me that despite all of the fear and stress, this little bean is worth it. My heart melts every time I see that profile.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Friday, December 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Body Movin'
I'm pretty much paranoid ALL OF THE TIME. Two weeks ago I started to feel much better. Less tired, emotional, nauseous, congested, and more hydrated. I've even lost the few pounds that I've put on in the last couple of months. All of this happened rather suddenly, which caused me to freak out.
"Okay, what's going on? This doesn't seem right. Everything started so gradually, why would it end so suddenly. Something MUST be wrong."
I called Dr. K and scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday. I would have gone in sooner if I could have. Dr. K tried to reassure me that I was nearing the end of the first trimester and I should start to feel better anyway. I agreed with him, but pointed out how suddenly and how many things had changed. I think it started to make him worry.
Of course, it was just paranoia. The ultrasound was fantastic.
Ryan: "I told you so."
He's always cool as a cucumber. The growing grape was dancing around like Ryan does on stage.
Baby Darton
"Okay, what's going on? This doesn't seem right. Everything started so gradually, why would it end so suddenly. Something MUST be wrong."
I called Dr. K and scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday. I would have gone in sooner if I could have. Dr. K tried to reassure me that I was nearing the end of the first trimester and I should start to feel better anyway. I agreed with him, but pointed out how suddenly and how many things had changed. I think it started to make him worry.
Of course, it was just paranoia. The ultrasound was fantastic.
Ryan: "I told you so."
He's always cool as a cucumber. The growing grape was dancing around like Ryan does on stage.
Baby Darton
9w6d, 2.97 cm, HR 172 bpm
Ryan thinks it looks like a puppy. Sometimes I wonder about him. ;)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Heartbeats
I was so nervous for our first ultrasound. Worried that we would receive the same news as last time. But this time it was only good news!
Our little blueberry has a heartbeat and is actually growing! Ryan insists it's a boy. I honestly don't have any impressions either way, but the more he refers to the blueberry as a boy the more I become convinced it is too. Only time will tell!
Typically I would go in for another ultrasound at week 8 if I had conceived through fertility treatments. Dr. K said I could go ahead and do this if I want to. I'm tempted, but I want to treat this as a normal, healthy pregnancy, which means waiting until week 12 to get another ultrasound. I hope I can hold out and keep my anxiety and my "need to know" at bay.
Until then I can revel in the other confirmations of pregnancy that things are progressing normally: the morning/afternoon/evening sickness, the total exhaustion, the thirst. My boobies are getting slightly bigger, but they are not sensitive yet. I think I'd be okay with it if they don't ever get tender.
Our little blueberry has a heartbeat and is actually growing! Ryan insists it's a boy. I honestly don't have any impressions either way, but the more he refers to the blueberry as a boy the more I become convinced it is too. Only time will tell!Typically I would go in for another ultrasound at week 8 if I had conceived through fertility treatments. Dr. K said I could go ahead and do this if I want to. I'm tempted, but I want to treat this as a normal, healthy pregnancy, which means waiting until week 12 to get another ultrasound. I hope I can hold out and keep my anxiety and my "need to know" at bay.
Until then I can revel in the other confirmations of pregnancy that things are progressing normally: the morning/afternoon/evening sickness, the total exhaustion, the thirst. My boobies are getting slightly bigger, but they are not sensitive yet. I think I'd be okay with it if they don't ever get tender.
I'm not trying to plug for this T.V. I just LOVE this song and the beautiful cinematography of the bouncy balls.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Waiting Game
I've been anxious to update with baby news. My repeat test showed that my hcg levels were more than doubling and my progesterone also looked good.
*sigh*
What a relief!
Since then, I've been waiting on pins and needles (literally and figuratively), comparing myself to all the pregnancy "norms". Doing some freaking out here and there if I don't have any symptoms, but then reassured by friends and their experiences. I know everyone's pregnancy is different, but I'd like to be in the "normal" category.
Our first ultrasound is on Thursday and it can't come soon enough. I want more assurance that there really is a baby growing in there...this time with a heartbeat!
According to Dr. K, I could have gone in last week and had my 1st ultrasound to see the heart beat. Even though I'm pretty certain that I am between 6 and 7 weeks, I didn't want to get an ultrasound prematurely and not see a heartbeat. That would send me spiraling out of control on the "Oh No!" and "What If" train.
4 days ago I started to feel the onset of morning sickness. Yahoo! Bleh! (I was getting worried because many women start having it a week or two earlier). I haven't actually tossed my cookies yet, but it's gradually getting worse. It doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it. It can be 3am, 10am, 3pm or just before bed when I feel it. My least favorite is waking up at 3am sick to my stomach. Lack of sleep on top of feeling gross! Saltines seem to the best solution so far, but I have many other recommendations to try out still.
Ryan downloaded a couple of hypnotherapy Mp3's and they seem to work...probably because I fall asleep half way through them. I don't know how that is going to help at work ...it's not like I can lie down and listen to a soothing voice for 45 minutes. :/
Tonight we are trying out a class called, "Managing Discomforts Through Hypnosis." Supposedly it will teach us life long skills to manage stress, pain, nausea, low energy and insomnia. I hope it works! Judging by the successes I've had with alternative medicine, it should!
I recently traded services with my friend Jackie. She is getting married in a few short days and I sewed a few leggings for her brides maids. In return, she has offered to do some additional hypnotherapy with me! She wants me to think about what I want to focus on/address during our session. So many choices! Pregnancy related? Stress related? General well-being? Meditation/affirmations? Anxiety disorder related?
I guess I'll let you in on a little secret that is still taboo to talk about in this day and age. I have an anxiety/depressive disorder and take Zoloft to help me cope with social anxiety, my need to be perfect, and make perfect decisions at all times. Since I found out I am pregnant I've stopped taking Zoloft right away. Studies show that it can cause pulmonary hypertension if taken during the 3rd trimester. I don't want to risk anything by waiting until the 3rd trimester to stop taking Zoloft. The anxiety/depression department has been fairly well behaved since I've stopped taking my meds. I've had a few meltdowns and lash-outs, but it could also be hormonal. I'm learning that I tend to lash out when I have trouble communicating my thoughts and emotions.
Maybe I should focus on peaceful communication in my session with Jackie. I'm sure Ryan would appreciate it. What do you think I should focus on?
Other than that I've been thirsty, exhausted and out of breath. All of which I think are normal. Right?
Things I look forward to:
1st ultrasound
Tender boobies (more assurance that things are going in the right direction)
Things I don't look forward to:
Cooking and washing dishes (Oh the smell!)
Honestly smells haven't been that bad, but enough to keep me away from cooking.
*sigh*
What a relief!
Since then, I've been waiting on pins and needles (literally and figuratively), comparing myself to all the pregnancy "norms". Doing some freaking out here and there if I don't have any symptoms, but then reassured by friends and their experiences. I know everyone's pregnancy is different, but I'd like to be in the "normal" category.
Our first ultrasound is on Thursday and it can't come soon enough. I want more assurance that there really is a baby growing in there...this time with a heartbeat!
According to Dr. K, I could have gone in last week and had my 1st ultrasound to see the heart beat. Even though I'm pretty certain that I am between 6 and 7 weeks, I didn't want to get an ultrasound prematurely and not see a heartbeat. That would send me spiraling out of control on the "Oh No!" and "What If" train.
4 days ago I started to feel the onset of morning sickness. Yahoo! Bleh! (I was getting worried because many women start having it a week or two earlier). I haven't actually tossed my cookies yet, but it's gradually getting worse. It doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it. It can be 3am, 10am, 3pm or just before bed when I feel it. My least favorite is waking up at 3am sick to my stomach. Lack of sleep on top of feeling gross! Saltines seem to the best solution so far, but I have many other recommendations to try out still.
Ryan downloaded a couple of hypnotherapy Mp3's and they seem to work...probably because I fall asleep half way through them. I don't know how that is going to help at work ...it's not like I can lie down and listen to a soothing voice for 45 minutes. :/
Tonight we are trying out a class called, "Managing Discomforts Through Hypnosis." Supposedly it will teach us life long skills to manage stress, pain, nausea, low energy and insomnia. I hope it works! Judging by the successes I've had with alternative medicine, it should!
I recently traded services with my friend Jackie. She is getting married in a few short days and I sewed a few leggings for her brides maids. In return, she has offered to do some additional hypnotherapy with me! She wants me to think about what I want to focus on/address during our session. So many choices! Pregnancy related? Stress related? General well-being? Meditation/affirmations? Anxiety disorder related?
I guess I'll let you in on a little secret that is still taboo to talk about in this day and age. I have an anxiety/depressive disorder and take Zoloft to help me cope with social anxiety, my need to be perfect, and make perfect decisions at all times. Since I found out I am pregnant I've stopped taking Zoloft right away. Studies show that it can cause pulmonary hypertension if taken during the 3rd trimester. I don't want to risk anything by waiting until the 3rd trimester to stop taking Zoloft. The anxiety/depression department has been fairly well behaved since I've stopped taking my meds. I've had a few meltdowns and lash-outs, but it could also be hormonal. I'm learning that I tend to lash out when I have trouble communicating my thoughts and emotions.
Maybe I should focus on peaceful communication in my session with Jackie. I'm sure Ryan would appreciate it. What do you think I should focus on?
Other than that I've been thirsty, exhausted and out of breath. All of which I think are normal. Right?
Things I look forward to:
1st ultrasound
Tender boobies (more assurance that things are going in the right direction)
Things I don't look forward to:
Cooking and washing dishes (Oh the smell!)
Honestly smells haven't been that bad, but enough to keep me away from cooking.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times
I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.
I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!
Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.
BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!
I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.
People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"
Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.
I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.
Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.
I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.
My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.
My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.
I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!
Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.
I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!
Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.
BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!
I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.
People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"
Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.
I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.
Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.
I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.
My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.
My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.
I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!
Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.
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