13 weeks

Yay! I'm past my first trimester. I guess I can officially let the cat out of the bag...I'm pregnant! ;)

Tuesday I had another ultrasound. I was nervous and excited, and it ended up being wonderful and amazing.

I was in awe, how in a few short weeks our child went from looking like some sort of alien puppy thing, to an actual baby with an adorable little profile. I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I saw the baby yawn (or take a drink of amniotic fluid). I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with this little peanut. I wish I could watch him/her every day. I can't wait until our next ultrasound at 17 weeks!

Things have been rough for me mentally and emotionally since I am not taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants while I'm pregnant. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper and it gets harder and harder to find ways to cope, or even remain aware of what the situation really is. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I don't like feeling this way, and I start to worry that the chemical imbalance within my body/brain are negatively affecting my growing child. How does depression and anxiety affect a growing fetus? These thoughts then lead to thoughts of whether I'll be able to stay off of meds long enough to breastfeed for a decent amount of time...and if I can't does that mean I have failed? If I don't get a handle on my mental and emotional health quickly after the birth I worry that I will end up being a total train wreck. I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the stress of being a new mom, even though I have been wanting this since I can remember. I don't want to mess this kid up. I don't want to give it any of my baggage...only love and happiness.

Watching the video of our last ultrasound reminds me that despite all of the fear and stress, this little bean is worth it. My heart melts every time I see that profile.

Body Movin'

I'm pretty much paranoid ALL OF THE TIME. Two weeks ago I started to feel much better. Less tired, emotional, nauseous, congested, and more hydrated. I've even lost the few pounds that I've put on in the last couple of months. All of this happened rather suddenly, which caused me to freak out.

"Okay, what's going on? This doesn't seem right. Everything started so gradually, why would it end so suddenly. Something MUST be wrong."

I called Dr. K and scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday. I would have gone in sooner if I could have. Dr. K tried to reassure me that I was nearing the end of the first trimester and I should start to feel better anyway. I agreed with him, but pointed out how suddenly and how many things had changed. I think it started to make him worry.

Of course, it was just paranoia. The ultrasound was fantastic.

Ryan: "I told you so."

He's always cool as a cucumber. The growing grape was dancing around like Ryan does on stage.

Baby Darton

9w6d, 2.97 cm, HR 172 bpm

Ryan thinks it looks like a puppy. Sometimes I wonder about him. ;)

Heartbeats

I was so nervous for our first ultrasound. Worried that we would receive the same news as last time. But this time it was only good news!
Our little blueberry has a heartbeat and is actually growing! Ryan insists it's a boy. I honestly don't have any impressions either way, but the more he refers to the blueberry as a boy the more I become convinced it is too. Only time will tell!

Typically I would go in for another ultrasound at week 8 if I had conceived through fertility treatments. Dr. K said I could go ahead and do this if I want to. I'm tempted, but I want to treat this as a normal, healthy pregnancy, which means waiting until week 12 to get another ultrasound. I hope I can hold out and keep my anxiety and my "need to know" at bay.

Until then I can revel in the other confirmations of pregnancy that things are progressing normally: the morning/afternoon/evening sickness, the total exhaustion, the thirst. My boobies are getting slightly bigger, but they are not sensitive yet. I think I'd be okay with it if they don't ever get tender.

I'm not trying to plug for this T.V. I just LOVE this song and the beautiful cinematography of the bouncy balls.

Fun and Games

Rainbow Bridge

Ryan and I have been doing a fair amount of sneaking out of town this summer. A few weeks ago, we went on the sly to a mini Darton Family reunion in Lake Powell, followed by a mini Merkley Family reunion in Durango, CO. It was 11 days of awesome.

Sitting in a stall at Denny's the morning we arrived at Lake Powell, I was amazed I had managed to do it again. My body was producing clear and stretchy fertility mucous. The lighting wasn't the greatest, but I was pretty certain it was the real deal.

"Ryan, this might be hard to do without everyone knowing what is going on, but we need to make time for some baby making while we are here."

"Really? It's milky?...Okay. Can we wait until tonight after everyone goes to bed?"

"No! It's clear! I don't want to wait until tonight. We need to get started ASAP! I want to give this every opportunity we can to actually happen."

With only a thin piece of fabric separating us from the rest of his family we starting the process of making a baby. ;) We were definitely quiet...maybe too quiet. We tried to be secretive, but it was obvious what we were up to.

"Boy, it sure took you two a long time to change into your swimsuits." snicker, snicker

I tried to hide what was going on, but I gave up after 1 day. It was so much easier to let everyone in on what we were up to and have their support. Besides, I'm a terrible liar. Especially when my mother-in-law and the rest of the family asked very direct questions.

Stephany

Ryan catching some air

Jo, Kate, and MJ with dresses I made for the Darton girls (Raine was sleeping and Fisher doesn't wear dresses). I can't believe I didn't take a family photo of everyone! Tsk, tsk.

We spent the next 11 days water skiing, wake boarding, swimming, lounging, biking, hiking, fishing, playing, riding the train, and gorging on food with both of our families. Full of nieces and nephews and stress free.

On the way to Silverton, CO

Richard, Marshawn, Mom, Dan, Annecy, Ryan, me, Jonas, and John. Where was Erin and Dave? Sophie, Jed and Truman were in school. :(

2 weeks after the clear, stretchy mucous I expected to have my period. Nothing. Was. Happening.

AARRGGHH!

On our way to go road biking I had a melt down.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T MY BODY BE NORMAL? PERHAPS THE TINIEST BIT PREDICTABLE? I JUST WANT A BABY!

I was bawling. Seriously. I got so excited about that clear mucous. I thought that maybe a pattern was starting so we could actually make some progress on this baby business. I was wrong. My body is such a jerk.

"Oh....haha...this is going to be so funny...here have a cycle. But only one! heehee. You haven't had a natural one in 12 years...isn't that funny? Nope, not this month! What? You don't like playing keep away? hehehe. Just because I gave you one in July, doesn't mean you can have one in August too. Hahahaha! You should have seen your face when you had that fertility mucous! HILARIOUS! Even better? When you didn't start your period. You know, you're not very cute when you cry. hahaha!"

Bitch.

I'm grateful for this bitch, because on Thursday morning in resignation I took a pregnancy test, fully expecting negative results and positive confirmation that my body is truly cruel, but instead it came back positive. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Yep. I peed on 5 sticks in disbelief. All of them came back positive. To be fair I didn't trust the first 3 after I noticed a misspelled word on the packaging. Later that morning I had blood work to confirm that I was indeed pregnant.

I AM PREGNANT!!!!

Although I am grateful, my body can still be a bitch. That very night I started spotting and had some mild cramping.

I flipped out.

NO NO NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NO!

Sobbing, I called my Fertility MD, Naturopathic MD, acupuncturist, mom, sister, brother, best friend. Dr. K and Dr. W agreed that taking progesterone to help keep the baby was a good idea even though my blood work earlier that day "looked good", but it wouldn't ultimately prevent a miscarriage if that is what my body wanted to do. I had the opportunity to go in yesterday to have more labs done, but I decided not to send my mind into a tailspin.

Last time my numbers weren't increasing how Dr. K wanted them to and said the pregnancy was abnormal. Following his advice, the pregnancy was terminated. Since then, I have tortured myself about that decision after finding a website filled with stories about women in similar or IDENTICAL situations that decided to trust their intuition and bodies and then went on to have healthy babies. I don't want to go through that again.

We said a heartfelt prayer.

PEACE.

I don't feel worried. I am taking the progesterone. The bleeding and cramping has stopped. On Monday I'll have more labs drawn to make sure my hormone levels are increasing properly. If it turns out for the worst, the silver lining is that I was able to do this without heavy duty hormones. Hopefully I will have success again. I don't look forward to another game of keep away, but something is definitely working!

Praise the Lord and the Chinese!

Not Everything Around Here is Doom and Gloom...

Ryan and I get to smile...a lot. I'm sure it sounds like we are (I am) always struggling, and sure we have our moments of frustration, but we also have a lot of fun and plenty of reasons to be thankful.

We ventured with some friends to the Golden Dragon Parade in Chinatown to celebrate the Year of the Rabbit. It was amazing and I was surprised at how relatively uncrowded it was! I bought a confetti blaster and scared the crap out of a float of beauty queens when I blasted the confetti over them like a bazooka. Later we enjoyed some great conversation over oodles of noodles. ;)





We also had a chance ... or more correctly, we took a chance and sneaked away to Durango, CO for a long weekend. It was just what I needed! I was getting pretty burned out at work and being around family, especially my nephews and niece completely recharged my batteries. They are pretty much the most adorable kids in the world, and I love them so hard.

We pulled into town around 6 am and Dave and Erin let us snuggle in bed with them until the kids woke up. Jonas, the youngest, likes to crawl into their bed first thing in the morning and have snuggle time. By the end of our stay, he only wanted to snuggle with Ryan. I have to admit I was a bit jealous. Ryan is always the superstar.

While we were there Ryan was able to go snowmobiling while I helped Erin wrangle the kids and pass out Valentines. The next day the whole family went skiing at Purgatory, aka Durango Mountain Resort. We were so impressed! Those kidlets really know how to ski, even 3 year old Jonas was cruising down the double blue's with the help of Erin or Dave. We ate like it was Thanksgiving and then relaxed in the hot tub in the winter air. The boys were brave enough to roll in the snow a bit and jump back in, and we all were impressed when Jonas swam around the hot tub.

Not only did we get a good hike in, but we also saw Jed in his musical performance at school! We love those kids and can't wait until we see them again!

On our way back we stopped at the Grand Canyon to take in the view. I had never been and it was breathtaking. I would love to go back and do some legitimate hiking/backpacking. We were short on time, so we zipped around the rim and back down to the highway to L.A.

Within the last month I was able to spend some much needed time with my good friend Jamie. I did a 24 hour vacation in San Diego and we hiked to a beautiful and freezing waterfall and then drove the lazy, winding roads through pastoral country to the town of Julian where they specialize in pie. I was in heaven! I also learned what it meant to "do a solid". Where have I been? Am I getting so old that I can't keep up with the lingo?
Later, I accompanied Jamie on a trip to Reno, NV...narrowly avoiding death on a slippery highway thanks to my superb snow driving skills, to watch her niece and nephews while her brother and his wife enjoyed a little escape. What? Babysitting your friends family sounds boring, but it wasn't! It was a blast. Those little guys were full of personality and energy...let's just say I had to use my skills as a nurse more than once! It was like having little brothers and sisters of my own. We had so much fun teasing each other. We blazed our own sledding paths on some super steep hills...and managed to have only ONE injury! I took a half day of my own and went snowboarding down narrow chutes and wide open runs in 2 feet of fresh powder...every run. I got worked! On our looooooong journey (5 hours to go 15 miles) back, Jamie and I went snowshoeing half way around a reservoir. The sun was spectacular on the untouched and quiet snow. Nevada was good to me.

See? Not everything is doom and gloom.

Lake verNON

Ryan and I went backpacking in Yosemite last weekend. We were planning on a 5-6 day trip, but a friend and a huge Kid Theodore supporter, Kathy Carpenter, passed away unexpectedly and her funeral was on Monday. Our trip was shortened to 3 days. The first day we (Ryan) spent driving (I slept a majority of the time, having finished a string of shifts at the hospital). We stopped at a kitschy but admittedly cool road-side farm/market/fruit stand and had BBQ'd tri-tip sandwiches, fed the chickens, and pet the rabbits and goats. They had wine and cheese tasting (we only tasted the cheese), artisan foods and loads of stuff for hipsters to Quilted Bear homemakers to rednecks alike.

Hetch Hetchy Reservoir

Unfortunately, we ended up having to back track an hour or two after missing our turn-off. We arrived late at Hetch Hetchy and slept under the stars at the backpackers campground at the trail head instead of hiking to Laurel Lake. We got an early start, bypassing Laurel Lake and headed straight to Lake Vernon. I speak for both of us when I say we soon found out we are out of shape (although round is a shape). The hike was a mere 10-ish miles in, which should have been a piece of cake considering my past hiking adventures. Granted the first half of the trail is a series of steep switchbacks, it felt like a struggle most of the way. It was also unseasonably hot. I deserve to have another excuse right? We didn't reach camp until 4pm (we hiked an extra 2 miles to see the winter trail shelter).




Face flies galore. Can you see them all? That's only half of them.



We passed on setting up the tent and slept under the stars again. I would ditch tents altogether, but storms and rumors of storms keeps me from doing it. I would take my bivy, but that would leave Ryan to fend for himself if it rained. It would be nice to get another one so we could minimize pack weight and have back-up in case the weather is foul. I miss my day's at REI when I could actually afford all of the new fandangled gear through pro-deals.


Since we lost a day driving and we had a funeral to attend, we packed up and hiked back out the very next morning. We made good time (downhill) and covered the distance in 4 hours.

We took the scenic route home and drove through Yosemite Valley and visited Bridalveil Falls, Fern Spring, and Glacier Point. We'll definitely be back for more. Hopefully in better shape and have more time.

Sore and blistered, Ryan couldn't jump very high

We drank straight from this spring... I hope we don't die.