You're the Prayer Inside Me...

I wasn't completely honest in my last post. Two days after the Ragnar Relay Race, it was time to take the home pregnancy test again. I had been disappointed in the past I didn't want to watch the stick develop and have my heart sink. Instead I turned it face down and let it develop for 10 minutes before I turned it over with Ryan beside me.

*gasp*

It was positive!!! I was shocked. Speechless. Is it for real?

Although I had just come home from a long night shift, we headed back to the hospital for blood work confirming the pregnancy. I slept in fits waiting for Dr. K to call me with the results.

*gasp*

It was positive!!!

I don't think I really believed it would work this cycle. I didn't have the hope that I had last cycle. It didn't seem real. I wanted to tell the world, but it was still early and everyone says you should wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag...just in case.

The next night I was in so much pain I texted Dr. K and he told me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound. He confirmed that I had OHSS. Since I was pregnant, Dr. K informed me that it could take weeks to months for the swelling in my belly to go down and it might get worse before it gets better. By that time, I might have a baby bump anyway! He told me to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. Take work off if I needed to. An ultrasound was scheduled two weeks later to see the heart beat. I was so EXCITED!

Was it because of the acupuncture?

Was it because my ovaries were overstimulated?

Was it because I wasn't working much these last few weeks?

Was it because I'm not as stressed?

I told my Nurse Manager the good news and showed her my bulging belly. It was pretty obvious how painful it was. Luckily work was slow and she was able to take me off the schedule for the week. The following week I was on call and never got called in. 2 weeks to take it easy...was NOT easy!! I was bored out of my brains but couldn't stand for very long and got winded going up the stairs. I was literally in bed for most of those 2 weeks. It felt like torture and was in a world of hurt.

When I did go back to work people were suspicious. Co-workers commented that I had a "glow" and many asked how the fertility treatments were going...trying to pry information out of me. A few were bold enough to ask outright if I was pregnant. I laughed and told them, "I hope so!"

It still didn't feel real, but sometimes I remembered that there was a little person starting to grow inside me. I would whisper sweet things to this little being. Tell it all that I hoped for... trying to ignore and hide my fears. I started a list of names, I spent hours finding websites, and checked out half the library.

Ryan met after a night shift for the 6 week ultrasound to see the heartbeat. He was so excited, he brought the camera. Dr. K put the gel on my swollen belly, and worked his way around my huge ovaries. The excitement faded quickly.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

Dr. K apologized and told us that the embryonic sac was much too small for how far along I was and he didn't see a heartbeat. It was an abnormal pregnancy and possibly ectopic. I would most likely miscarry, but they would draw labs to make sure.

I was numb.

Based on my Hcg levels when we confirmed pregnancy at 2 weeks, my Hcg should now be 25,000. It doubles every other day. My Hcg levels were only 875. Dr. K told me I should stop taking the progesterone to allow for a miscarriage.

What if something crazy happened. Since I had so many follicles that were borderline, is it possible that I ovulated later? What if I was pregnant, but it didn't take and I ovulated a few days later and a new egg implanted....

What if...

What if...

What if...

I wasn't ready to let go of something I had worked so hard for, and suffered so much pain for. Dr. K let me wait two more days and do follow up blood work to see if my Hcg levels would double like they should. My Hcg levels two days later were barely over 1,000 when it should have been at least 1,750.

Was it because of the Ibuprofen?

Was it because I ran the race?

Was it because I took Ex-Lax?

Was it because I took a suppository?

I stopped taking the progesterone and waited to start bleeding. It was Mother's Day weekend as well as my birthday and we had plans to go camping. Dr. K was concerned that I wouldn't be near civilization if anything were to happen, but I wanted needed to get away for a few days. Maybe I'm a little dramantic (romantic + dramatic), but I wanted to bury my little one in the beauty of nature rather than have it flushed down the toilet.

I didn't bleed.

Since my ovaries were still gigantic, they were producing high levels of progesterone and keeping the pregnancy. I would need to take medications for force a miscarriage, otherwise the embryonic sac would continue to grow and would result in a more painful and traumatic miscarriage later. What if I wasn't supposed to miscarry? What if it really was a viable pregnancy? I didn't want to miscarry unless I absolutely knew that this was an abnormal pregnancy. Dr. K. scheduled another ultrasound. I was now 7 weeks pregnant.

Silence.

There was no heartbeat.

I picked up my prescription and inserted the 4 pills. The cramps started within an hour and lasted 36. It was several hours until I started to bleed, followed by 2 weeks of severe depression.

I cried as bled into the toilet.

Do I have a hostile uterus?

Are my eggs poor quality?

What is wrong with me?

I cried when I flushed my prayer, my hope, my heart.


Once upon a time I was pregnant...

You're a Poem of Mystery

The last 6 weeks have been rough for me. This last round of fertility treatments has done a huge number on my body. A little recap...

My follicles were a little sluggish responding to the medication, growing slowly and requiring larger doses. It seemed that there wasn't a follicle that wanted to take the lead, so we just kept plugging along and increasing the dose or the number of days I took a certain dose. Till the bitter end, not one claimed the leadership role. Finally I had 3 that were large (mature) enough to release an egg, the problem was that I had no less than 6 and possibly 9 others that were borderline mature and could possibly ovulate as well. Dr. K reiterated the risk of having multiples, but we again hedged our bets since we've faced that risk before and come up empty handed. We decided to go for it and did the insemination.

That weekend I went with a group of girls to San Diego where we spent our days relaxing and being lazy. It was refreshing and a little alien to not have anything to do. However I was feeling a little self conscious next to these beautiful twiggy girls since I was noticeably bloated. I didn't think too much of it and it seemed to go away once I got back to L.A.

The following weekend was Ragnar. Ryan and I had been training (not too intensely) for this 200 mile relay race for the past several months. We were excited and admittedly nervous. Neither of us had ever done a race before, but we heard it is a lot of fun and less about running than it is about the experience. We borrowed vans from Toy Bombs and Gardner and decked them out in true Rompompachop (our team name) style. Everything was green light go...except for my belly. I was bloated again! It was even worse this time!

My first leg I prepared by taking popping 800mg of Ibuprofen before my run to muscle through the pain and avoid any headaches that I'm notorious for. Things went fairly well, but something definitely had to be done about my gas because Gas-X wasn't working. At least that's what I thought was causing the bloating. Maybe I was constipated and the gas couldn't get through the road block.

Before my next leg, we stopped by the store and bought some Ex-Lax, and suppositories. I would flush it out and be good to go! The Ex-Lax worked like a charm and I felt 75% better. I was able to rest comfortably before our next leg. I spoke too soon! By the time it was my turn to run, I was bloated again! Good thing it was a shorter leg. I popped another 600mg Ibupofen and was on my way.

Next solution...the dreaded suppository. It worked to say the least and I felt a bit better, but not was well as after the Ex-Lax. There is no possible way that anything was blocking gas from getting out now, but I was STILL bloated! I was so bloated that I was short of breath and looked more and more square. Although painful, I popped another 400mg Ibuprofen and suffered through my last leg to the end without adding too much to my anticipated time.

We finished the race behind schedule, but with high spirits. It was a lot of fun and would do it again next year...as long as I'm not bloated.

As it turns out it wasn't gas. Remember OHSS? Yep. This time it was for real. Yeah, last time I was pretty much a wimp. This time it was the real deal. I kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I called Dr. K. at 1:30am because it was so painful I couldn't sleep and I was having a hard time breathing. He scheduled an ultrasound the next morning and it confirmed that it was indeed OHSS and my ovaries were 5"x7"....or the size of oranges. They were so large that they were pressing on my innards and diaphragm and making it hard for me to breathe. Sure breathing was a concern, but a bigger concern was making sure my ovaries didn't twist on themselves and cut off blood circulation, essentially killing the ovary. I also had to carefully monitor my fluid balance. When ovaries are that large they get "leaky" and leak fluid into the abdomen (ascites) which is very painful and can cause electrolyte imbalances that need to be corrected in the hospital. If I collected too much fluid too quickly in my abdomen they would have to aspirate some of the fluid out with a needle....Yikes! At this point Dr. K told me to take it easy and limit my physical activity and avoid Ibuprofen. Wait. WHAT?! I just ran a race! I told him that we had just finished a race not more than 36 hours earlier and I was popping ibuprofen like it was candy and his facial expression was the equivalent of him shitting his pants. The average person wouldn't pick up on it because Doctors are masters at masking emotion (it's part of the job), but being a nurse I have developed a keen awareness to subtle twitches and stiffness that betrays the calm they portray. I knew it was pretty serious by his response.

Apparently if you are attempting to become or already are pregnant you should stay clear of Ibuprofen. I did not know this...and I'm a nurse! What the hell? Is this common knowledge? I asked around the unit at work, and not a single person knew this...unless they had recently been pregnant and only because their OB/GYN gave them a list of meds to stay away from. Geez it would have been nice to know BEFORE hand that Ibuprofen is a no no! Before anyone gets on their high horse about how I should have known better or looked it up in Drug Handbook...I'm sorry I don't have time to look up every medication, and I thought my MD would for sure give me a list of medications to avoid, especially since I've asked before if there was anything I should stay away from.

As far as the swelling was concerned, Dr. K could only recommend Tylenol and heat packs. If the pregnancy test was negative they could give me a medication for it to go down more quickly, but if I ended up pregnant then I was looking forward to having a swollen belly for weeks to months.

No working for me for a couple of weeks. Good thing it was slow at work and I kept getting called off.

I could hardly breathe, gained 10 lbs of water weight, was in a lot of pain and looked 6 months pregnant. This better be worth it!

That was the first 2 weeks....

Not Everything Around Here is Doom and Gloom...

Ryan and I get to smile...a lot. I'm sure it sounds like we are (I am) always struggling, and sure we have our moments of frustration, but we also have a lot of fun and plenty of reasons to be thankful.

We ventured with some friends to the Golden Dragon Parade in Chinatown to celebrate the Year of the Rabbit. It was amazing and I was surprised at how relatively uncrowded it was! I bought a confetti blaster and scared the crap out of a float of beauty queens when I blasted the confetti over them like a bazooka. Later we enjoyed some great conversation over oodles of noodles. ;)





We also had a chance ... or more correctly, we took a chance and sneaked away to Durango, CO for a long weekend. It was just what I needed! I was getting pretty burned out at work and being around family, especially my nephews and niece completely recharged my batteries. They are pretty much the most adorable kids in the world, and I love them so hard.

We pulled into town around 6 am and Dave and Erin let us snuggle in bed with them until the kids woke up. Jonas, the youngest, likes to crawl into their bed first thing in the morning and have snuggle time. By the end of our stay, he only wanted to snuggle with Ryan. I have to admit I was a bit jealous. Ryan is always the superstar.

While we were there Ryan was able to go snowmobiling while I helped Erin wrangle the kids and pass out Valentines. The next day the whole family went skiing at Purgatory, aka Durango Mountain Resort. We were so impressed! Those kidlets really know how to ski, even 3 year old Jonas was cruising down the double blue's with the help of Erin or Dave. We ate like it was Thanksgiving and then relaxed in the hot tub in the winter air. The boys were brave enough to roll in the snow a bit and jump back in, and we all were impressed when Jonas swam around the hot tub.

Not only did we get a good hike in, but we also saw Jed in his musical performance at school! We love those kids and can't wait until we see them again!

On our way back we stopped at the Grand Canyon to take in the view. I had never been and it was breathtaking. I would love to go back and do some legitimate hiking/backpacking. We were short on time, so we zipped around the rim and back down to the highway to L.A.

Within the last month I was able to spend some much needed time with my good friend Jamie. I did a 24 hour vacation in San Diego and we hiked to a beautiful and freezing waterfall and then drove the lazy, winding roads through pastoral country to the town of Julian where they specialize in pie. I was in heaven! I also learned what it meant to "do a solid". Where have I been? Am I getting so old that I can't keep up with the lingo?
Later, I accompanied Jamie on a trip to Reno, NV...narrowly avoiding death on a slippery highway thanks to my superb snow driving skills, to watch her niece and nephews while her brother and his wife enjoyed a little escape. What? Babysitting your friends family sounds boring, but it wasn't! It was a blast. Those little guys were full of personality and energy...let's just say I had to use my skills as a nurse more than once! It was like having little brothers and sisters of my own. We had so much fun teasing each other. We blazed our own sledding paths on some super steep hills...and managed to have only ONE injury! I took a half day of my own and went snowboarding down narrow chutes and wide open runs in 2 feet of fresh powder...every run. I got worked! On our looooooong journey (5 hours to go 15 miles) back, Jamie and I went snowshoeing half way around a reservoir. The sun was spectacular on the untouched and quiet snow. Nevada was good to me.

See? Not everything is doom and gloom.

Strike Three

*Sigh*

I've had a hard time getting up the energy to blog about this again, but I guess I want to document my journey. Maybe one day in the future (hopefully with a baby in my arms), I'll be able to look back and say, "Whew, I'm sure glad that's over. It was worth it, but man that was a bumpy ride."

Here's the skinny....

Since I responded almost too well to 75 IU of Follistim last round, Dr. K. had me start with 50 IU this round. 3 days and an ultrasound later, I had produced a lot of little follicles, but none of them were nearly the size they should have been. Dr. K. bumped the dose up to 75 IU for 2 days with an ultrasound to follow. *grumble* Now the ultrasound showed a lot of medium sized follicles, but none had "taken the lead" or were big enough to ovulate yet. So Dr. K. had me do 2 more days with 75 IU with another ultrasound to follow.

The next ultrasound showed I had a lot of large-ish follicles, but none were quite ready to ovulate again! Dr. K. decreased my Follistim dose to 37.5 IU for two days with an ultrasound to follow in hopes that a few of the follicles would finally be ready to ovulate.

By this time I could really feel it. By it I mean it was painful. It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the ovaries. Essentially they were like expanding balloons, stretching tighter and tighter. It hurt to run, it hurt to stretch, I was bloated, had diarrhea, nausea and the beginnings of a nasty headache that would last a week. Remember OHSS? I pretty much had mild/moderate symptoms of OHSS and it sucked big time.

Back at Dr. K's office I had not one, two, three, even four follicles taking the lead, I had a lot of huge-ish follicles that could potentially ovulate. I think he counted 4 follicles that would definitely ovulate and 6 more that might ovulate. Dr. K. filled us in on the potential risks (multiples) with proceeding with the IUI and gave us the option of abstaining this round. It felt like such a waste to sit this one out. A waste of money, time, and discomfort if we didn't do it. I didn't want my suffering to have been for nothing...I wanted to go for it. Theoretically we had 3-4 eggs last time that didn't "take"...maybe we would be increasing our odds.


To spare me some of the rage, Dr. K. cut my progesterone dose in half for the first five days. Ryan and I were sneaky and took a short trip to Durango to visit my sister and her family. I totally expected to feel a little bit of rage while I was there and even worried I might get short tempered with my niece and nephews, but I didn't.

Sadly, my progesterone levels after 5 days weren't high enough so Dr. K. bumped me back up to 200mg Progesterone twice a day. I expected to Hulk out on the higher dose, but I didn't. I actually felt pretty good, normal even. My ovaries weren't hurting any more, I wasn't bloated or nauseous, and my headache was gone. Finally!

As you can tell from the picture above, I took the pregnancy test on 2/22 and it was negative. WTF is an understatement. Are my eggs bad? Is my lining healthy? What is going on? Do I have a hostile uterus? I want some answers. We had felt really good about this round since I had so many follicles and didn't Hulk out. It was really hard seeing the result come back negative for a third time.

Tomorrow I am trying acupuncture for infertility. There are currently several research studies going on that have shown some favorable results. Maybe when East meets West I'll get lucky.

Rinse, Repeat

Crazy

I wish I could imbed the Official video...

Truthfully, I don't think I've ever had PMS, or it was so long ago that I don't remember what it is like. This is logical considering I don't menstruate and my progesterone levels have proven to be low. However, this doesn't get me off the hook. This means is that I can't blame any of my bitchiness on PMS. No scapegoat for me. Yep. I can be a bitch. For no reason at all (I'm sure I feel like there is a good reason at the time, but there usually isn't).

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry about doubting the power of hormones and subsequently PMS. Whoa! I've been humbled during the infertility process and I am in awe at how intricate and amazing the human body is and what a delicate system it is. One deficient chemical and the whole baby making process fails. I am in awe yet again.

Lemme splain.

After the IUI, Dr. K. put me on 200mg Prometrium twice a day to keep my lining thick for implantation. Progesterone is an enigma...or maybe snake oil. Take your pick. I've read that it causes cancer, prevents cancer, treats menopause, initiates menses, prevents miscarriage, controls PCOS, clears skin, treats migraines as well as PMS. Some people have a wonderful time on progesterone. It increases their sex drive, helps them sleep, improves their mood, etc. However, progesterone has a dark side for some people... irritability, bloating, depression, dizziness, shortness of breath, headaches, anxiety, and on and on and on....

I've reached a whole new level of crazy with Prometrium. The dose may be higher than what an average woman produces, but nonetheless I feel like I have some serious roid rage of the Incredible Hulk variety. Throwing the fridge off the balcony kind of crazy.

Thankfully I am aware of it and don't act on theses urges, but it is incredibly frustrating to be so angry for no apparent reason. Poor Ryan. I've found I start to feel better when I talk it out, but I'm sure my rants are not fun for the listener. I try to keep myself in check and if I feel the hot rage bubbling up I try to keep my mouth shut and seek some solitude. Sometimes I think the self isolation makes the frustration even worse, but I don't know which is better.

If it turns out I am pregnant (test is this Sunday) I am supposed to keep taking progesterone for 8 more weeks! I don't know if I can handle 8 more weeks of crazy, so I called Dr. K. If I am pregnant we will reevaluate my natural progesterone levels and hopefully reduce the dose...if we can.

You might want to include Ryan's survival in your prayers for us.

Do you think Ryan would get me a Great Sword for Valentines Day?

Beautiful Sunday

Hey, hey, hey it's a beautiful day...

The ultrasounds this morning looked promising with one follicle at 20mm, two at 16mm, and another at 15mm (we want them bigger than 14mm). My blood test showed that I'm not "surging" which means I'm not ovulating on my own. My estrogen levels are good, but for what ever reason my progesterone and LH are still low. This is probably why we have fertility problems. Maybe I'm able to create follicles, but I don't surge. My lining is 12-14mm (we want at least 7mm). It's nice and luxurious...perfect for a little blastocyst to snuggle down into. :)



Instead of my daily injections, tonight at 10:30pm I inject HCG to make me surge. Our IUI is scheduled for 9:30am Sunday morning!

Keep crossing your fingers, sending energy, and saying prayers!