Yay! I'm past my first trimester. I guess I can officially let the cat out of the bag...I'm pregnant! ;)
Tuesday I had another ultrasound. I was nervous and excited, and it ended up being wonderful and amazing.
I was in awe, how in a few short weeks our child went from looking like some sort of alien puppy thing, to an actual baby with an adorable little profile. I couldn't stop myself from laughing when I saw the baby yawn (or take a drink of amniotic fluid). I'm falling deeper and deeper in love with this little peanut. I wish I could watch him/her every day. I can't wait until our next ultrasound at 17 weeks!
Things have been rough for me mentally and emotionally since I am not taking my anti-anxiety/anti-depressants while I'm pregnant. I feel myself slipping deeper and deeper and it gets harder and harder to find ways to cope, or even remain aware of what the situation really is. Sometimes I feel like I am drowning. I don't like feeling this way, and I start to worry that the chemical imbalance within my body/brain are negatively affecting my growing child. How does depression and anxiety affect a growing fetus? These thoughts then lead to thoughts of whether I'll be able to stay off of meds long enough to breastfeed for a decent amount of time...and if I can't does that mean I have failed? If I don't get a handle on my mental and emotional health quickly after the birth I worry that I will end up being a total train wreck. I'm scared I won't be able to cope with the stress of being a new mom, even though I have been wanting this since I can remember. I don't want to mess this kid up. I don't want to give it any of my baggage...only love and happiness.
Watching the video of our last ultrasound reminds me that despite all of the fear and stress, this little bean is worth it. My heart melts every time I see that profile.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Body Movin'
I'm pretty much paranoid ALL OF THE TIME. Two weeks ago I started to feel much better. Less tired, emotional, nauseous, congested, and more hydrated. I've even lost the few pounds that I've put on in the last couple of months. All of this happened rather suddenly, which caused me to freak out.
"Okay, what's going on? This doesn't seem right. Everything started so gradually, why would it end so suddenly. Something MUST be wrong."
I called Dr. K and scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday. I would have gone in sooner if I could have. Dr. K tried to reassure me that I was nearing the end of the first trimester and I should start to feel better anyway. I agreed with him, but pointed out how suddenly and how many things had changed. I think it started to make him worry.
Of course, it was just paranoia. The ultrasound was fantastic.
Ryan: "I told you so."
He's always cool as a cucumber. The growing grape was dancing around like Ryan does on stage.
Baby Darton
"Okay, what's going on? This doesn't seem right. Everything started so gradually, why would it end so suddenly. Something MUST be wrong."
I called Dr. K and scheduled an appointment for last Tuesday. I would have gone in sooner if I could have. Dr. K tried to reassure me that I was nearing the end of the first trimester and I should start to feel better anyway. I agreed with him, but pointed out how suddenly and how many things had changed. I think it started to make him worry.
Of course, it was just paranoia. The ultrasound was fantastic.
Ryan: "I told you so."
He's always cool as a cucumber. The growing grape was dancing around like Ryan does on stage.
Baby Darton
9w6d, 2.97 cm, HR 172 bpm
Ryan thinks it looks like a puppy. Sometimes I wonder about him. ;)
Tuesday, October 25, 2011
Heartbeats
I was so nervous for our first ultrasound. Worried that we would receive the same news as last time. But this time it was only good news!
Our little blueberry has a heartbeat and is actually growing! Ryan insists it's a boy. I honestly don't have any impressions either way, but the more he refers to the blueberry as a boy the more I become convinced it is too. Only time will tell!
Typically I would go in for another ultrasound at week 8 if I had conceived through fertility treatments. Dr. K said I could go ahead and do this if I want to. I'm tempted, but I want to treat this as a normal, healthy pregnancy, which means waiting until week 12 to get another ultrasound. I hope I can hold out and keep my anxiety and my "need to know" at bay.
Until then I can revel in the other confirmations of pregnancy that things are progressing normally: the morning/afternoon/evening sickness, the total exhaustion, the thirst. My boobies are getting slightly bigger, but they are not sensitive yet. I think I'd be okay with it if they don't ever get tender.
Our little blueberry has a heartbeat and is actually growing! Ryan insists it's a boy. I honestly don't have any impressions either way, but the more he refers to the blueberry as a boy the more I become convinced it is too. Only time will tell!Typically I would go in for another ultrasound at week 8 if I had conceived through fertility treatments. Dr. K said I could go ahead and do this if I want to. I'm tempted, but I want to treat this as a normal, healthy pregnancy, which means waiting until week 12 to get another ultrasound. I hope I can hold out and keep my anxiety and my "need to know" at bay.
Until then I can revel in the other confirmations of pregnancy that things are progressing normally: the morning/afternoon/evening sickness, the total exhaustion, the thirst. My boobies are getting slightly bigger, but they are not sensitive yet. I think I'd be okay with it if they don't ever get tender.
I'm not trying to plug for this T.V. I just LOVE this song and the beautiful cinematography of the bouncy balls.
Monday, October 17, 2011
The Waiting Game
I've been anxious to update with baby news. My repeat test showed that my hcg levels were more than doubling and my progesterone also looked good.
*sigh*
What a relief!
Since then, I've been waiting on pins and needles (literally and figuratively), comparing myself to all the pregnancy "norms". Doing some freaking out here and there if I don't have any symptoms, but then reassured by friends and their experiences. I know everyone's pregnancy is different, but I'd like to be in the "normal" category.
Our first ultrasound is on Thursday and it can't come soon enough. I want more assurance that there really is a baby growing in there...this time with a heartbeat!
According to Dr. K, I could have gone in last week and had my 1st ultrasound to see the heart beat. Even though I'm pretty certain that I am between 6 and 7 weeks, I didn't want to get an ultrasound prematurely and not see a heartbeat. That would send me spiraling out of control on the "Oh No!" and "What If" train.
4 days ago I started to feel the onset of morning sickness. Yahoo! Bleh! (I was getting worried because many women start having it a week or two earlier). I haven't actually tossed my cookies yet, but it's gradually getting worse. It doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it. It can be 3am, 10am, 3pm or just before bed when I feel it. My least favorite is waking up at 3am sick to my stomach. Lack of sleep on top of feeling gross! Saltines seem to the best solution so far, but I have many other recommendations to try out still.
Ryan downloaded a couple of hypnotherapy Mp3's and they seem to work...probably because I fall asleep half way through them. I don't know how that is going to help at work ...it's not like I can lie down and listen to a soothing voice for 45 minutes. :/
Tonight we are trying out a class called, "Managing Discomforts Through Hypnosis." Supposedly it will teach us life long skills to manage stress, pain, nausea, low energy and insomnia. I hope it works! Judging by the successes I've had with alternative medicine, it should!
I recently traded services with my friend Jackie. She is getting married in a few short days and I sewed a few leggings for her brides maids. In return, she has offered to do some additional hypnotherapy with me! She wants me to think about what I want to focus on/address during our session. So many choices! Pregnancy related? Stress related? General well-being? Meditation/affirmations? Anxiety disorder related?
I guess I'll let you in on a little secret that is still taboo to talk about in this day and age. I have an anxiety/depressive disorder and take Zoloft to help me cope with social anxiety, my need to be perfect, and make perfect decisions at all times. Since I found out I am pregnant I've stopped taking Zoloft right away. Studies show that it can cause pulmonary hypertension if taken during the 3rd trimester. I don't want to risk anything by waiting until the 3rd trimester to stop taking Zoloft. The anxiety/depression department has been fairly well behaved since I've stopped taking my meds. I've had a few meltdowns and lash-outs, but it could also be hormonal. I'm learning that I tend to lash out when I have trouble communicating my thoughts and emotions.
Maybe I should focus on peaceful communication in my session with Jackie. I'm sure Ryan would appreciate it. What do you think I should focus on?
Other than that I've been thirsty, exhausted and out of breath. All of which I think are normal. Right?
Things I look forward to:
1st ultrasound
Tender boobies (more assurance that things are going in the right direction)
Things I don't look forward to:
Cooking and washing dishes (Oh the smell!)
Honestly smells haven't been that bad, but enough to keep me away from cooking.
*sigh*
What a relief!
Since then, I've been waiting on pins and needles (literally and figuratively), comparing myself to all the pregnancy "norms". Doing some freaking out here and there if I don't have any symptoms, but then reassured by friends and their experiences. I know everyone's pregnancy is different, but I'd like to be in the "normal" category.
Our first ultrasound is on Thursday and it can't come soon enough. I want more assurance that there really is a baby growing in there...this time with a heartbeat!
According to Dr. K, I could have gone in last week and had my 1st ultrasound to see the heart beat. Even though I'm pretty certain that I am between 6 and 7 weeks, I didn't want to get an ultrasound prematurely and not see a heartbeat. That would send me spiraling out of control on the "Oh No!" and "What If" train.
4 days ago I started to feel the onset of morning sickness. Yahoo! Bleh! (I was getting worried because many women start having it a week or two earlier). I haven't actually tossed my cookies yet, but it's gradually getting worse. It doesn't seem to have any rhyme or reason to it. It can be 3am, 10am, 3pm or just before bed when I feel it. My least favorite is waking up at 3am sick to my stomach. Lack of sleep on top of feeling gross! Saltines seem to the best solution so far, but I have many other recommendations to try out still.
Ryan downloaded a couple of hypnotherapy Mp3's and they seem to work...probably because I fall asleep half way through them. I don't know how that is going to help at work ...it's not like I can lie down and listen to a soothing voice for 45 minutes. :/
Tonight we are trying out a class called, "Managing Discomforts Through Hypnosis." Supposedly it will teach us life long skills to manage stress, pain, nausea, low energy and insomnia. I hope it works! Judging by the successes I've had with alternative medicine, it should!
I recently traded services with my friend Jackie. She is getting married in a few short days and I sewed a few leggings for her brides maids. In return, she has offered to do some additional hypnotherapy with me! She wants me to think about what I want to focus on/address during our session. So many choices! Pregnancy related? Stress related? General well-being? Meditation/affirmations? Anxiety disorder related?
I guess I'll let you in on a little secret that is still taboo to talk about in this day and age. I have an anxiety/depressive disorder and take Zoloft to help me cope with social anxiety, my need to be perfect, and make perfect decisions at all times. Since I found out I am pregnant I've stopped taking Zoloft right away. Studies show that it can cause pulmonary hypertension if taken during the 3rd trimester. I don't want to risk anything by waiting until the 3rd trimester to stop taking Zoloft. The anxiety/depression department has been fairly well behaved since I've stopped taking my meds. I've had a few meltdowns and lash-outs, but it could also be hormonal. I'm learning that I tend to lash out when I have trouble communicating my thoughts and emotions.
Maybe I should focus on peaceful communication in my session with Jackie. I'm sure Ryan would appreciate it. What do you think I should focus on?
Other than that I've been thirsty, exhausted and out of breath. All of which I think are normal. Right?
Things I look forward to:
1st ultrasound
Tender boobies (more assurance that things are going in the right direction)
Things I don't look forward to:
Cooking and washing dishes (Oh the smell!)
Honestly smells haven't been that bad, but enough to keep me away from cooking.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Fun and Games
Rainbow Bridge
Ryan and I have been doing a fair amount of sneaking out of town this summer. A few weeks ago, we went on the sly to a mini Darton Family reunion in Lake Powell, followed by a mini Merkley Family reunion in Durango, CO. It was 11 days of awesome.
Sitting in a stall at Denny's the morning we arrived at Lake Powell, I was amazed I had managed to do it again. My body was producing clear and stretchy fertility mucous. The lighting wasn't the greatest, but I was pretty certain it was the real deal.
"Ryan, this might be hard to do without everyone knowing what is going on, but we need to make time for some baby making while we are here."
"Really? It's milky?...Okay. Can we wait until tonight after everyone goes to bed?"
"Boy, it sure took you two a long time to change into your swimsuits." snicker, snicker
I tried to hide what was going on, but I gave up after 1 day. It was so much easier to let everyone in on what we were up to and have their support. Besides, I'm a terrible liar. Especially when my mother-in-law and the rest of the family asked very direct questions.
Stephany
Ryan catching some air
Jo, Kate, and MJ with dresses I made for the Darton girls (Raine was sleeping and Fisher doesn't wear dresses). I can't believe I didn't take a family photo of everyone! Tsk, tsk.
We spent the next 11 days water skiing, wake boarding, swimming, lounging, biking, hiking, fishing, playing, riding the train, and gorging on food with both of our families. Full of nieces and nephews and stress free.
On the way to Silverton, CO
Richard, Marshawn, Mom, Dan, Annecy, Ryan, me, Jonas, and John. Where was Erin and Dave? Sophie, Jed and Truman were in school. :(
2 weeks after the clear, stretchy mucous I expected to have my period. Nothing. Was. Happening.
AARRGGHH!
On our way to go road biking I had a melt down.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WHY CAN'T MY BODY BE NORMAL? PERHAPS THE TINIEST BIT PREDICTABLE? I JUST WANT A BABY!
I was bawling. Seriously. I got so excited about that clear mucous. I thought that maybe a pattern was starting so we could actually make some progress on this baby business. I was wrong. My body is such a jerk.
"Oh....haha...this is going to be so funny...here have a cycle. But only one! heehee. You haven't had a natural one in 12 years...isn't that funny? Nope, not this month! What? You don't like playing keep away? hehehe. Just because I gave you one in July, doesn't mean you can have one in August too. Hahahaha! You should have seen your face when you had that fertility mucous! HILARIOUS! Even better? When you didn't start your period. You know, you're not very cute when you cry. hahaha!"
Bitch.
I'm grateful for this bitch, because on Thursday morning in resignation I took a pregnancy test, fully expecting negative results and positive confirmation that my body is truly cruel, but instead it came back positive. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. And the next one. Yep. I peed on 5 sticks in disbelief. All of them came back positive. To be fair I didn't trust the first 3 after I noticed a misspelled word on the packaging. Later that morning I had blood work to confirm that I was indeed pregnant.
I AM PREGNANT!!!!
Although I am grateful, my body can still be a bitch. That very night I started spotting and had some mild cramping.
I flipped out.
NO NO NO NO NO NO! PLEASE NO!
Sobbing, I called my Fertility MD, Naturopathic MD, acupuncturist, mom, sister, brother, best friend. Dr. K and Dr. W agreed that taking progesterone to help keep the baby was a good idea even though my blood work earlier that day "looked good", but it wouldn't ultimately prevent a miscarriage if that is what my body wanted to do. I had the opportunity to go in yesterday to have more labs done, but I decided not to send my mind into a tailspin.
Last time my numbers weren't increasing how Dr. K wanted them to and said the pregnancy was abnormal. Following his advice, the pregnancy was terminated. Since then, I have tortured myself about that decision after finding a website filled with stories about women in similar or IDENTICAL situations that decided to trust their intuition and bodies and then went on to have healthy babies. I don't want to go through that again.
We said a heartfelt prayer.
PEACE.
Praise the Lord and the Chinese!
Thursday, September 29, 2011
Dog Days of Summer
Last month was dry. No clear mucous. No bleeding. Just the usual. Ugh! The guessing game all over again.
Was July a rare event?
Did we miss some cosmic alignment?
Wait, J, don't think this way.
At least something happened or is happening right?
It WAS different.
But, WHY was it different?
Was it some residual effect of fertility treatments and OHSS?
Why can't things be easy?
Everyone and their dog is pregnant around me...
ARRRGH!
It has been hard hearing about others good news. Seeing pregnant bellies get rounder as due dates get closer. Especially if the due dates were close to when I had been due. I am truly excited for all of my pregnant friends, but it doesn't mean I don't feel a sense of loss...a void that is just waiting to be filled. I feel I deserve the same. I want my Christmas baby.
Is it time to jump back on the fertility roller coaster? It's only been 4 months. Gillian told me not to expect any results for at least 9! That feel like forever.
PATIENCE!
I've been making progress and need to give my body some time to adjust to everything. I've been making a lot of changes and doing a lot of work.
*Acupuncture every week, sometimes twice. Luckily my insurance covers acupuncture with a co-pay.
*Powdered Traditional Chinese Medicine (TMC) herbs 3 times a day. *shiver* They are nasty and make me gag most of the time. Gillian changed the original formula (think flying squirrel feces) since I had a cycle. I am now on a bi-phasic formula...a progesterone formula followed by an estrogen formula
*Read Tao of Fertility and follow many of the recommendations. Ryan and I love this book. The best way to describe it is that it is gentle, compassionate even. It is not overwhelming and it inspires.
*Multiple supplements prescribed by Dr. Woodyard (formerly Dr. Christensen) that help with a mineral deficiency (potassium), lack of energy, headaches, digestion, and hormones.
*Adhere to a specialized diet based on a blood sample.
*Gentle exercise. I still get my heart rate up (road biking), I just make sure it isn't jarring (running).
In July, I sent Dr. W a small blood sample (the size of nickle) on a piece of of paper. She ran some sort of tests on it and determined what food intolerance's I have. Now, this is NOT the same as food allergies. Basically, my body uses too much energy to process certain foods and in effort have enough energy to process those foods for nutrients it robs different organs of that energy...namely, my ovaries. Food intolerance's are different for everyone...my diet restrictions may not be beneficial for anyone else. This also means if I slip up or allow myself a cheat day (Fridays) I don't get sick...I just punch myself in the ovaries a little bit. For the most part I've been really good about the diet and I am about 90-95% compliant. That is pretty damn good once you see what my restrictions are!
ABSOLUTELY NO DAIRY....WHAT??? That is my favorite food group! I live off of dairy. Yogurt, cereal, cheese, cottage cheese...it's my "go to" food. This means anything that CONTAINS dairy too. No cake, pastries, non-dairy creamer (yes, this has a dairy derivative in it), and most chocolate! Luckily Almond, Rice, Coconut, and Soy milk are great substitutes. I'm partial to Almond. I've found an almond yogurt (Amande- beware the photoshop is really bad) that is fruit juice sweetened, and an incredible coconut milk ice cream (So Delicious and Coconut Bliss) that don't use cane/refined sugars.
NO FRUIT WITH SUGAR COMBINATIONS...HUH??? What does that mean??? I can have fruit and I can have sugar, but I CAN'T have them together. They need to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. No homemade jam. No pie. No fruit flavored candy. No Jamba Juice. No soda(cola has essential fruit oils). It will boggle your mind how many foods have fruit and sugar together! Instead, I can have honey, maple syrup, maple sugar, agave, brown rice syrup and coconut nectar with fruit. It takes a little bit more money and a lot more time, but there are definitely options out there.
NO EGG WITH GRAINS COMBINATIONS??? Again, they have to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. Holy hell. Scratch pastries, cakes, cookies, breakfast burritos, restaurant omelets, and certain breads off the list. I could make you crazy listing everything that has eggs or has something derived from eggs in it.
I has been a challenge, but I'm proud of how compliant I've been. I don't get too nit picky about milk and egg derivatives. I just pay attention to the most obvious. I've actually been surprised by how many decent and delicious options DO exist (thank you Whole Foods). I probably consume less calories because I am now sans dairy, but I don't eat less food. I've started to loose my pouch that has been impossible to get rid of, and I seem to have fewer mood swings (per Ryan) and more sustained energy.
Following this regimen has kept me pretty busy. Hopefully it will set the stage for something GRAND.
Was July a rare event?
Did we miss some cosmic alignment?
Wait, J, don't think this way.
At least something happened or is happening right?
It WAS different.
But, WHY was it different?
Was it some residual effect of fertility treatments and OHSS?
Why can't things be easy?
Everyone and their dog is pregnant around me...
ARRRGH!
It has been hard hearing about others good news. Seeing pregnant bellies get rounder as due dates get closer. Especially if the due dates were close to when I had been due. I am truly excited for all of my pregnant friends, but it doesn't mean I don't feel a sense of loss...a void that is just waiting to be filled. I feel I deserve the same. I want my Christmas baby.
Is it time to jump back on the fertility roller coaster? It's only been 4 months. Gillian told me not to expect any results for at least 9! That feel like forever.
PATIENCE!
I've been making progress and need to give my body some time to adjust to everything. I've been making a lot of changes and doing a lot of work.
*Acupuncture every week, sometimes twice. Luckily my insurance covers acupuncture with a co-pay.
*Powdered Traditional Chinese Medicine (TMC) herbs 3 times a day. *shiver* They are nasty and make me gag most of the time. Gillian changed the original formula (think flying squirrel feces) since I had a cycle. I am now on a bi-phasic formula...a progesterone formula followed by an estrogen formula
*Read Tao of Fertility and follow many of the recommendations. Ryan and I love this book. The best way to describe it is that it is gentle, compassionate even. It is not overwhelming and it inspires.
*Multiple supplements prescribed by Dr. Woodyard (formerly Dr. Christensen) that help with a mineral deficiency (potassium), lack of energy, headaches, digestion, and hormones.
*Adhere to a specialized diet based on a blood sample.
*Gentle exercise. I still get my heart rate up (road biking), I just make sure it isn't jarring (running).
In July, I sent Dr. W a small blood sample (the size of nickle) on a piece of of paper. She ran some sort of tests on it and determined what food intolerance's I have. Now, this is NOT the same as food allergies. Basically, my body uses too much energy to process certain foods and in effort have enough energy to process those foods for nutrients it robs different organs of that energy...namely, my ovaries. Food intolerance's are different for everyone...my diet restrictions may not be beneficial for anyone else. This also means if I slip up or allow myself a cheat day (Fridays) I don't get sick...I just punch myself in the ovaries a little bit. For the most part I've been really good about the diet and I am about 90-95% compliant. That is pretty damn good once you see what my restrictions are!
ABSOLUTELY NO DAIRY....WHAT??? That is my favorite food group! I live off of dairy. Yogurt, cereal, cheese, cottage cheese...it's my "go to" food. This means anything that CONTAINS dairy too. No cake, pastries, non-dairy creamer (yes, this has a dairy derivative in it), and most chocolate! Luckily Almond, Rice, Coconut, and Soy milk are great substitutes. I'm partial to Almond. I've found an almond yogurt (Amande- beware the photoshop is really bad) that is fruit juice sweetened, and an incredible coconut milk ice cream (So Delicious and Coconut Bliss) that don't use cane/refined sugars.
NO FRUIT WITH SUGAR COMBINATIONS...HUH??? What does that mean??? I can have fruit and I can have sugar, but I CAN'T have them together. They need to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. No homemade jam. No pie. No fruit flavored candy. No Jamba Juice. No soda(cola has essential fruit oils). It will boggle your mind how many foods have fruit and sugar together! Instead, I can have honey, maple syrup, maple sugar, agave, brown rice syrup and coconut nectar with fruit. It takes a little bit more money and a lot more time, but there are definitely options out there.
NO EGG WITH GRAINS COMBINATIONS??? Again, they have to be consumed at least 4 hours apart. Holy hell. Scratch pastries, cakes, cookies, breakfast burritos, restaurant omelets, and certain breads off the list. I could make you crazy listing everything that has eggs or has something derived from eggs in it.
I has been a challenge, but I'm proud of how compliant I've been. I don't get too nit picky about milk and egg derivatives. I just pay attention to the most obvious. I've actually been surprised by how many decent and delicious options DO exist (thank you Whole Foods). I probably consume less calories because I am now sans dairy, but I don't eat less food. I've started to loose my pouch that has been impossible to get rid of, and I seem to have fewer mood swings (per Ryan) and more sustained energy.
Following this regimen has kept me pretty busy. Hopefully it will set the stage for something GRAND.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
What The What The?
Some very interesting events happened last month.
*** CAUTION GRAPHIC CONTENT BELOW ***
I'VE OVULATED!
At least I'm pretty certain I did. Here's the scoop.
I returned home from a night shift and was using the toilet before bed when I noticed I had produced a great big stretchy glob of *clear* mucous.
So.
So??! This is something very different for me. I only have milky white mucous. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was different for me...and I knew it was normal, not some nasty infection of some kind. Ew. Excited, I yelled for Ryan to come and look. Nothing is private in our house. He gave me a smug look and said, "Told you Chinese Medicine would work." I told him that we don't know what this means yet, and it might not mean anything. I finished my business and Googled "clear vaginal discharge" and learned that it was fertility mucous! Women produce this when they are ovulating.
We didn't waste any time (wink, wink).
Of course the skeptic in me said, "Maybe the herbs I'm taking caused my mucous to change and I didn't really ovulate. I'll really know if I actually bleed."
Over the next 2 weeks I felt occasional cyst-like sensations. The best way to describe it would be that it feels like someone is pinching my ovaries. Hard.
2 weeks after noticing the clear mucous I bled. Holy, holy. I just had a cycle! I couldn't believe it. I texted all of my girl friends. This hasn't happened in over a decade! This is huge! Of course I would rather have that wink, wink pay off, but this is a huge step in the right direction.
During this time Dr. L had me measure my basal body temp to see if it fluctuated even though I don't bleed. My temperature chart correlated pretty closely with my cycle. Incredible!
I'm trying not to get too hopeful that it will happen again this month or regularly for that matter. Before my periods stopped all-together they were always irregular, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.
*** CAUTION GRAPHIC CONTENT BELOW ***
I'VE OVULATED!
At least I'm pretty certain I did. Here's the scoop.
I returned home from a night shift and was using the toilet before bed when I noticed I had produced a great big stretchy glob of *clear* mucous.
So.
So??! This is something very different for me. I only have milky white mucous. I didn't know what it meant, but I knew it was different for me...and I knew it was normal, not some nasty infection of some kind. Ew. Excited, I yelled for Ryan to come and look. Nothing is private in our house. He gave me a smug look and said, "Told you Chinese Medicine would work." I told him that we don't know what this means yet, and it might not mean anything. I finished my business and Googled "clear vaginal discharge" and learned that it was fertility mucous! Women produce this when they are ovulating.
We didn't waste any time (wink, wink).
Of course the skeptic in me said, "Maybe the herbs I'm taking caused my mucous to change and I didn't really ovulate. I'll really know if I actually bleed."
Over the next 2 weeks I felt occasional cyst-like sensations. The best way to describe it would be that it feels like someone is pinching my ovaries. Hard.
2 weeks after noticing the clear mucous I bled. Holy, holy. I just had a cycle! I couldn't believe it. I texted all of my girl friends. This hasn't happened in over a decade! This is huge! Of course I would rather have that wink, wink pay off, but this is a huge step in the right direction.
During this time Dr. L had me measure my basal body temp to see if it fluctuated even though I don't bleed. My temperature chart correlated pretty closely with my cycle. Incredible!
I'm trying not to get too hopeful that it will happen again this month or regularly for that matter. Before my periods stopped all-together they were always irregular, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed anyway.
Friday, July 1, 2011
Keep Your Hands & Feet Inside The Ride at All Times
I'm taking a break from the fertility roller coaster for a little while. In the meantime I've been trying to process everything that happened and work on getting to a better place mentally, spiritually and physically.
I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!
Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.
BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!
I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.
People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"
Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.
I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.
Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.
I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.
My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.
My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.
I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!
Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.
I found a website that I wish I hadn't found...or had found before my miscarriage. I've made myself sick over it, questioning my decisions, my doctor's decisions, blaming myself, blaming him, wondering if Dr. K cared enough or if I was just one of many. Was it a misdiagnosed miscarriage? Did I miscarry a potentially viable embryo? I've read through enough stories to make myself crazy. There are several that are nearly identical to my experience and ended in a healthy baby. I'm convinced I was too hasty, and it was too early to make a such decision. I am angry with myself that I didn't research more before trusting my doctor so completely. I make excuses that it is because of my profession...that I am accustomed to trusting doctor's in their field of expertise...that as a nurse, I am used to following doctor's orders. But in reality I CONSTANTLY question doctor's decisions, making sure they are necessary and in the best interest of my patients.
WHAT ABOUT ME?
Why didn't I make sure things were in MY best interest? I am the patient!
Ryan tries to comfort me, and reminds me that WE made decisions based on the knowledge and information that we had at the time...that I can't dwell on this because we don't know and we can't change it now.
BUT I WANT TO CHANGE IT! I'VE CHANGED MY MIND! I WANT TO MISCARRY NATURALLY! I DON'T CARE IF IT IS MORE TRAUMATIZING OR PAINFUL...AT LEAST I WILL KNOW IT WAS TRULY ABNORMAL!
I'm devastated. So many new 'what ifs', so much new heart ache. I can't help from thinking about where I would be in pregnancy right now.
People try to offer hope after hearing about the miscarriage, "Well, at least you know you can get pregnant now right?"
Maybe so, but will I be able to stay pregnant? It took 4 IUI tries with multiple eggs each time to achieve pregnancy...an assumed (I made an ass out of myself) abnormal pregnancy...will it take that long again? Will we face another miscarriage? Insurance will only cover 2 more rounds. After that, it is up to us and money doesn't grow on trees.
I'm reevaluating everything. I plan on interviewing other fertility specialists. Sorry, Dr. K, but I need to know what others would have done in the same situation. I need to have some questions answered. I need to see what my options are. Maybe find someone that has a more comprehensive approach...a more holistic approach. Maybe find someone that I feel connects with me better and is interested in working in conjunction with Eastern Medicine practices.
Usually they wait for you to have 3 miscarriages before they do more rigorous testing, but I don't want to wait that long. I want to find out now, in case we run out of coverage before I get pregnant again. I want to make the next round as successful as possible. If that means getting these tests done, so be it.
I've been going the the Chiropractor and Acupuncturist for the past few weeks. I have a theory that things will work better if my body is feeling better. I'm finally addressing my chronic headaches/migraines (I am currently getting them every other day), back/neck pain, my teeth clenching, and getting my Qi flowing properly. I think I have a stress/pain/pain/stress cycle that is affecting my fertility by releasing stress hormones and inflammatory agents. Maybe by reducing these, it will improve my odds.
My Acupuncturist says I won't start seeing results for 9 months. I don't know if I can wait that long. I might get back on the fertility roller coaster. She is working on getting me to have a cycle before she addresses the PCOS and does the fertility treatments. Treat the underlying problem, not just the symptoms. I agree with this approach. You might say it is a grassroots way of doing things. She also put me on a herbal formula that includes Flying Squirrel feces. Yep you read that right...Flying Squirrel feces. Call me poo-breath if you want.
My back pain is much better, but we are still working on the headaches. My dentist told me to get a mouth guard for sleeping. Hopefully it will help with the clenching.
I've also been in contact with my childhood friend Melissa Christensen, who happens to be a Naturopathic Doctor specializing in fertility, pediatrics and women's health. She has offered to help manage my care in conjunction with my current specialists. SCORE!
Ryan is convinced that we won't even need western medicine fertility treatments to get pregnant. He is confident that Eastern medicine will do the trick. If anything it will only help.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
You're the Prayer Inside Me...
I wasn't completely honest in my last post. Two days after the Ragnar Relay Race, it was time to take the home pregnancy test again. I had been disappointed in the past I didn't want to watch the stick develop and have my heart sink. Instead I turned it face down and let it develop for 10 minutes before I turned it over with Ryan beside me.
*gasp*
It was positive!!! I was shocked. Speechless. Is it for real?
Although I had just come home from a long night shift, we headed back to the hospital for blood work confirming the pregnancy. I slept in fits waiting for Dr. K to call me with the results.
*gasp*
It was positive!!!
I don't think I really believed it would work this cycle. I didn't have the hope that I had last cycle. It didn't seem real. I wanted to tell the world, but it was still early and everyone says you should wait until 12 weeks to let the cat out of the bag...just in case.
The next night I was in so much pain I texted Dr. K and he told me to come in the next morning for an ultrasound. He confirmed that I had OHSS. Since I was pregnant, Dr. K informed me that it could take weeks to months for the swelling in my belly to go down and it might get worse before it gets better. By that time, I might have a baby bump anyway! He told me to take it easy and not do anything strenuous. Take work off if I needed to. An ultrasound was scheduled two weeks later to see the heart beat. I was so EXCITED!
Was it because of the acupuncture?
Was it because my ovaries were overstimulated?
Was it because I wasn't working much these last few weeks?
Was it because I'm not as stressed?
I told my Nurse Manager the good news and showed her my bulging belly. It was pretty obvious how painful it was. Luckily work was slow and she was able to take me off the schedule for the week. The following week I was on call and never got called in. 2 weeks to take it easy...was NOT easy!! I was bored out of my brains but couldn't stand for very long and got winded going up the stairs. I was literally in bed for most of those 2 weeks. It felt like torture and was in a world of hurt.
When I did go back to work people were suspicious. Co-workers commented that I had a "glow" and many asked how the fertility treatments were going...trying to pry information out of me. A few were bold enough to ask outright if I was pregnant. I laughed and told them, "I hope so!"
It still didn't feel real, but sometimes I remembered that there was a little person starting to grow inside me. I would whisper sweet things to this little being. Tell it all that I hoped for... trying to ignore and hide my fears. I started a list of names, I spent hours finding websites, and checked out half the library.
Ryan met after a night shift for the 6 week ultrasound to see the heartbeat. He was so excited, he brought the camera. Dr. K put the gel on my swollen belly, and worked his way around my huge ovaries. The excitement faded quickly.
Silence.
There was no heartbeat.
Dr. K apologized and told us that the embryonic sac was much too small for how far along I was and he didn't see a heartbeat. It was an abnormal pregnancy and possibly ectopic. I would most likely miscarry, but they would draw labs to make sure.
I was numb.
Based on my Hcg levels when we confirmed pregnancy at 2 weeks, my Hcg should now be 25,000. It doubles every other day. My Hcg levels were only 875. Dr. K told me I should stop taking the progesterone to allow for a miscarriage.
What if something crazy happened. Since I had so many follicles that were borderline, is it possible that I ovulated later? What if I was pregnant, but it didn't take and I ovulated a few days later and a new egg implanted....
What if...
What if...
What if...
I wasn't ready to let go of something I had worked so hard for, and suffered so much pain for. Dr. K let me wait two more days and do follow up blood work to see if my Hcg levels would double like they should. My Hcg levels two days later were barely over 1,000 when it should have been at least 1,750.
Was it because of the Ibuprofen?
Was it because I ran the race?
Was it because I took Ex-Lax?
Was it because I took a suppository?
I stopped taking the progesterone and waited to start bleeding. It was Mother's Day weekend as well as my birthday and we had plans to go camping. Dr. K was concerned that I wouldn't be near civilization if anything were to happen, but I wanted needed to get away for a few days. Maybe I'm a little dramantic (romantic + dramatic), but I wanted to bury my little one in the beauty of nature rather than have it flushed down the toilet.
I didn't bleed.
Since my ovaries were still gigantic, they were producing high levels of progesterone and keeping the pregnancy. I would need to take medications for force a miscarriage, otherwise the embryonic sac would continue to grow and would result in a more painful and traumatic miscarriage later. What if I wasn't supposed to miscarry? What if it really was a viable pregnancy? I didn't want to miscarry unless I absolutely knew that this was an abnormal pregnancy. Dr. K. scheduled another ultrasound. I was now 7 weeks pregnant.
Silence.
There was no heartbeat.
I picked up my prescription and inserted the 4 pills. The cramps started within an hour and lasted 36. It was several hours until I started to bleed, followed by 2 weeks of severe depression.
I cried as bled into the toilet.
Do I have a hostile uterus?
Are my eggs poor quality?
What is wrong with me?
I cried when I flushed my prayer, my hope, my heart.
Once upon a time I was pregnant...
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
You're a Poem of Mystery
The last 6 weeks have been rough for me. This last round of fertility treatments has done a huge number on my body. A little recap...
My follicles were a little sluggish responding to the medication, growing slowly and requiring larger doses. It seemed that there wasn't a follicle that wanted to take the lead, so we just kept plugging along and increasing the dose or the number of days I took a certain dose. Till the bitter end, not one claimed the leadership role. Finally I had 3 that were large (mature) enough to release an egg, the problem was that I had no less than 6 and possibly 9 others that were borderline mature and could possibly ovulate as well. Dr. K reiterated the risk of having multiples, but we again hedged our bets since we've faced that risk before and come up empty handed. We decided to go for it and did the insemination.
That weekend I went with a group of girls to San Diego where we spent our days relaxing and being lazy. It was refreshing and a little alien to not have anything to do. However I was feeling a little self conscious next to these beautiful twiggy girls since I was noticeably bloated. I didn't think too much of it and it seemed to go away once I got back to L.A.
The following weekend was Ragnar. Ryan and I had been training (not too intensely) for this 200 mile relay race for the past several months. We were excited and admittedly nervous. Neither of us had ever done a race before, but we heard it is a lot of fun and less about running than it is about the experience. We borrowed vans from Toy Bombs and Gardner and decked them out in true Rompompachop (our team name) style. Everything was green light go...except for my belly. I was bloated again! It was even worse this time!
My first leg I prepared by taking popping 800mg of Ibuprofen before my run to muscle through the pain and avoid any headaches that I'm notorious for. Things went fairly well, but something definitely had to be done about my gas because Gas-X wasn't working. At least that's what I thought was causing the bloating. Maybe I was constipated and the gas couldn't get through the road block.
Before my next leg, we stopped by the store and bought some Ex-Lax, and suppositories. I would flush it out and be good to go! The Ex-Lax worked like a charm and I felt 75% better. I was able to rest comfortably before our next leg. I spoke too soon! By the time it was my turn to run, I was bloated again! Good thing it was a shorter leg. I popped another 600mg Ibupofen and was on my way.
Next solution...the dreaded suppository. It worked to say the least and I felt a bit better, but not was well as after the Ex-Lax. There is no possible way that anything was blocking gas from getting out now, but I was STILL bloated! I was so bloated that I was short of breath and looked more and more square. Although painful, I popped another 400mg Ibuprofen and suffered through my last leg to the end without adding too much to my anticipated time.
We finished the race behind schedule, but with high spirits. It was a lot of fun and would do it again next year...as long as I'm not bloated.
As it turns out it wasn't gas. Remember OHSS? Yep. This time it was for real. Yeah, last time I was pretty much a wimp. This time it was the real deal. I kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I called Dr. K. at 1:30am because it was so painful I couldn't sleep and I was having a hard time breathing. He scheduled an ultrasound the next morning and it confirmed that it was indeed OHSS and my ovaries were 5"x7"....or the size of oranges. They were so large that they were pressing on my innards and diaphragm and making it hard for me to breathe. Sure breathing was a concern, but a bigger concern was making sure my ovaries didn't twist on themselves and cut off blood circulation, essentially killing the ovary. I also had to carefully monitor my fluid balance. When ovaries are that large they get "leaky" and leak fluid into the abdomen (ascites) which is very painful and can cause electrolyte imbalances that need to be corrected in the hospital. If I collected too much fluid too quickly in my abdomen they would have to aspirate some of the fluid out with a needle....Yikes! At this point Dr. K told me to take it easy and limit my physical activity and avoid Ibuprofen. Wait. WHAT?! I just ran a race! I told him that we had just finished a race not more than 36 hours earlier and I was popping ibuprofen like it was candy and his facial expression was the equivalent of him shitting his pants. The average person wouldn't pick up on it because Doctors are masters at masking emotion (it's part of the job), but being a nurse I have developed a keen awareness to subtle twitches and stiffness that betrays the calm they portray. I knew it was pretty serious by his response.
Apparently if you are attempting to become or already are pregnant you should stay clear of Ibuprofen. I did not know this...and I'm a nurse! What the hell? Is this common knowledge? I asked around the unit at work, and not a single person knew this...unless they had recently been pregnant and only because their OB/GYN gave them a list of meds to stay away from. Geez it would have been nice to know BEFORE hand that Ibuprofen is a no no! Before anyone gets on their high horse about how I should have known better or looked it up in Drug Handbook...I'm sorry I don't have time to look up every medication, and I thought my MD would for sure give me a list of medications to avoid, especially since I've asked before if there was anything I should stay away from.
As far as the swelling was concerned, Dr. K could only recommend Tylenol and heat packs. If the pregnancy test was negative they could give me a medication for it to go down more quickly, but if I ended up pregnant then I was looking forward to having a swollen belly for weeks to months.
No working for me for a couple of weeks. Good thing it was slow at work and I kept getting called off.
I could hardly breathe, gained 10 lbs of water weight, was in a lot of pain and looked 6 months pregnant. This better be worth it!
That was the first 2 weeks....
My follicles were a little sluggish responding to the medication, growing slowly and requiring larger doses. It seemed that there wasn't a follicle that wanted to take the lead, so we just kept plugging along and increasing the dose or the number of days I took a certain dose. Till the bitter end, not one claimed the leadership role. Finally I had 3 that were large (mature) enough to release an egg, the problem was that I had no less than 6 and possibly 9 others that were borderline mature and could possibly ovulate as well. Dr. K reiterated the risk of having multiples, but we again hedged our bets since we've faced that risk before and come up empty handed. We decided to go for it and did the insemination.
That weekend I went with a group of girls to San Diego where we spent our days relaxing and being lazy. It was refreshing and a little alien to not have anything to do. However I was feeling a little self conscious next to these beautiful twiggy girls since I was noticeably bloated. I didn't think too much of it and it seemed to go away once I got back to L.A.
The following weekend was Ragnar. Ryan and I had been training (not too intensely) for this 200 mile relay race for the past several months. We were excited and admittedly nervous. Neither of us had ever done a race before, but we heard it is a lot of fun and less about running than it is about the experience. We borrowed vans from Toy Bombs and Gardner and decked them out in true Rompompachop (our team name) style. Everything was green light go...except for my belly. I was bloated again! It was even worse this time!My first leg I prepared by taking popping 800mg of Ibuprofen before my run to muscle through the pain and avoid any headaches that I'm notorious for. Things went fairly well, but something definitely had to be done about my gas because Gas-X wasn't working. At least that's what I thought was causing the bloating. Maybe I was constipated and the gas couldn't get through the road block.
Before my next leg, we stopped by the store and bought some Ex-Lax, and suppositories. I would flush it out and be good to go! The Ex-Lax worked like a charm and I felt 75% better. I was able to rest comfortably before our next leg. I spoke too soon! By the time it was my turn to run, I was bloated again! Good thing it was a shorter leg. I popped another 600mg Ibupofen and was on my way.
Next solution...the dreaded suppository. It worked to say the least and I felt a bit better, but not was well as after the Ex-Lax. There is no possible way that anything was blocking gas from getting out now, but I was STILL bloated! I was so bloated that I was short of breath and looked more and more square. Although painful, I popped another 400mg Ibuprofen and suffered through my last leg to the end without adding too much to my anticipated time.
We finished the race behind schedule, but with high spirits. It was a lot of fun and would do it again next year...as long as I'm not bloated.
As it turns out it wasn't gas. Remember OHSS? Yep. This time it was for real. Yeah, last time I was pretty much a wimp. This time it was the real deal. I kept getting bigger, and bigger, and bigger. I called Dr. K. at 1:30am because it was so painful I couldn't sleep and I was having a hard time breathing. He scheduled an ultrasound the next morning and it confirmed that it was indeed OHSS and my ovaries were 5"x7"....or the size of oranges. They were so large that they were pressing on my innards and diaphragm and making it hard for me to breathe. Sure breathing was a concern, but a bigger concern was making sure my ovaries didn't twist on themselves and cut off blood circulation, essentially killing the ovary. I also had to carefully monitor my fluid balance. When ovaries are that large they get "leaky" and leak fluid into the abdomen (ascites) which is very painful and can cause electrolyte imbalances that need to be corrected in the hospital. If I collected too much fluid too quickly in my abdomen they would have to aspirate some of the fluid out with a needle....Yikes! At this point Dr. K told me to take it easy and limit my physical activity and avoid Ibuprofen. Wait. WHAT?! I just ran a race! I told him that we had just finished a race not more than 36 hours earlier and I was popping ibuprofen like it was candy and his facial expression was the equivalent of him shitting his pants. The average person wouldn't pick up on it because Doctors are masters at masking emotion (it's part of the job), but being a nurse I have developed a keen awareness to subtle twitches and stiffness that betrays the calm they portray. I knew it was pretty serious by his response.
Apparently if you are attempting to become or already are pregnant you should stay clear of Ibuprofen. I did not know this...and I'm a nurse! What the hell? Is this common knowledge? I asked around the unit at work, and not a single person knew this...unless they had recently been pregnant and only because their OB/GYN gave them a list of meds to stay away from. Geez it would have been nice to know BEFORE hand that Ibuprofen is a no no! Before anyone gets on their high horse about how I should have known better or looked it up in Drug Handbook...I'm sorry I don't have time to look up every medication, and I thought my MD would for sure give me a list of medications to avoid, especially since I've asked before if there was anything I should stay away from.
As far as the swelling was concerned, Dr. K could only recommend Tylenol and heat packs. If the pregnancy test was negative they could give me a medication for it to go down more quickly, but if I ended up pregnant then I was looking forward to having a swollen belly for weeks to months.
No working for me for a couple of weeks. Good thing it was slow at work and I kept getting called off.
I could hardly breathe, gained 10 lbs of water weight, was in a lot of pain and looked 6 months pregnant. This better be worth it!
That was the first 2 weeks....
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Not Everything Around Here is Doom and Gloom...
Ryan and I get to smile...a lot. I'm sure it sounds like we are (I am) always struggling, and sure we have our moments of frustration, but we also have a lot of fun and plenty of reasons to be thankful.
We ventured with some friends to the Golden Dragon Parade in Chinatown to celebrate the Year of the Rabbit. It was amazing and I was surprised at how relatively uncrowded it was! I bought a confetti blaster and scared the crap out of a float of beauty queens when I blasted the confetti over them like a bazooka. Later we enjoyed some great conversation over oodles of noodles. ;)
We also had a chance ... or more correctly, we took a chance and sneaked away to Durango, CO for a long weekend. It was just what I needed! I was getting pretty burned out at work and being around family, especially my nephews and niece completely recharged my batteries. They are pretty much the most adorable kids in the world, and I love them so hard.
We pulled into town around 6 am and Dave and Erin let us snuggle in bed with them until the kids woke up. Jonas, the youngest, likes to crawl into their bed first thing in the morning and have snuggle time. By the end of our stay, he only wanted to snuggle with Ryan. I have to admit I was a bit jealous. Ryan is always the superstar.
While we were there Ryan was able to go snowmobiling while I helped Erin wrangle the kids and pass out Valentines. The next day the whole family went skiing at Purgatory, aka Durango Mountain Resort. We were so impressed! Those kidlets really know how to ski, even 3 year old Jonas was cruising down the double blue's with the help of Erin or Dave. We ate like it was Thanksgiving and then relaxed in the hot tub in the winter air. The boys were brave enough to roll in the snow a bit and jump back in, and we all were impressed when Jonas swam around the hot tub.
Not only did we get a good hike in, but we also saw Jed in his musical performance at school! We love those kids and can't wait until we see them again!
On our way back we stopped at the Grand Canyon to take in the view. I had never been and it was breathtaking. I would love to go back and do some legitimate hiking/backpacking. We were short on time, so we zipped around the rim and back down to the highway to L.A.
Within the last month I was able to spend some much needed time with my good friend Jamie. I did a 24 hour vacation in San Diego and we hiked to a beautiful and freezing waterfall and then drove the lazy, winding roads through pastoral country to the town of Julian where they specialize in pie. I was in heaven! I also learned what it meant to "do a solid". Where have I been? Am I getting so old that I can't keep up with the lingo?
Later, I accompanied Jamie on a trip to Reno, NV...narrowly avoiding death on a slippery highway thanks to my superb snow driving skills, to watch her niece and nephews while her brother and his wife enjoyed a little escape. What? Babysitting your friends family sounds boring, but it wasn't! It was a blast. Those little guys were full of personality and energy...let's just say I had to use my skills as a nurse more than once! It was like having little brothers and sisters of my own. We had so much fun teasing each other. We blazed our own sledding paths on some super steep hills...and managed to have only ONE injury! I took a half day of my own and went snowboarding down narrow chutes and wide open runs in 2 feet of fresh powder...every run. I got worked! On our looooooong journey (5 hours to go 15 miles) back, Jamie and I went snowshoeing half way around a reservoir. The sun was spectacular on the untouched and quiet snow. Nevada was good to me.
See? Not everything is doom and gloom.
We ventured with some friends to the Golden Dragon Parade in Chinatown to celebrate the Year of the Rabbit. It was amazing and I was surprised at how relatively uncrowded it was! I bought a confetti blaster and scared the crap out of a float of beauty queens when I blasted the confetti over them like a bazooka. Later we enjoyed some great conversation over oodles of noodles. ;)
We also had a chance ... or more correctly, we took a chance and sneaked away to Durango, CO for a long weekend. It was just what I needed! I was getting pretty burned out at work and being around family, especially my nephews and niece completely recharged my batteries. They are pretty much the most adorable kids in the world, and I love them so hard.We pulled into town around 6 am and Dave and Erin let us snuggle in bed with them until the kids woke up. Jonas, the youngest, likes to crawl into their bed first thing in the morning and have snuggle time. By the end of our stay, he only wanted to snuggle with Ryan. I have to admit I was a bit jealous. Ryan is always the superstar.
While we were there Ryan was able to go snowmobiling while I helped Erin wrangle the kids and pass out Valentines. The next day the whole family went skiing at Purgatory, aka Durango Mountain Resort. We were so impressed! Those kidlets really know how to ski, even 3 year old Jonas was cruising down the double blue's with the help of Erin or Dave. We ate like it was Thanksgiving and then relaxed in the hot tub in the winter air. The boys were brave enough to roll in the snow a bit and jump back in, and we all were impressed when Jonas swam around the hot tub.
Not only did we get a good hike in, but we also saw Jed in his musical performance at school! We love those kids and can't wait until we see them again!
On our way back we stopped at the Grand Canyon to take in the view. I had never been and it was breathtaking. I would love to go back and do some legitimate hiking/backpacking. We were short on time, so we zipped around the rim and back down to the highway to L.A.
Within the last month I was able to spend some much needed time with my good friend Jamie. I did a 24 hour vacation in San Diego and we hiked to a beautiful and freezing waterfall and then drove the lazy, winding roads through pastoral country to the town of Julian where they specialize in pie. I was in heaven! I also learned what it meant to "do a solid". Where have I been? Am I getting so old that I can't keep up with the lingo?
Later, I accompanied Jamie on a trip to Reno, NV...narrowly avoiding death on a slippery highway thanks to my superb snow driving skills, to watch her niece and nephews while her brother and his wife enjoyed a little escape. What? Babysitting your friends family sounds boring, but it wasn't! It was a blast. Those little guys were full of personality and energy...let's just say I had to use my skills as a nurse more than once! It was like having little brothers and sisters of my own. We had so much fun teasing each other. We blazed our own sledding paths on some super steep hills...and managed to have only ONE injury! I took a half day of my own and went snowboarding down narrow chutes and wide open runs in 2 feet of fresh powder...every run. I got worked! On our looooooong journey (5 hours to go 15 miles) back, Jamie and I went snowshoeing half way around a reservoir. The sun was spectacular on the untouched and quiet snow. Nevada was good to me.See? Not everything is doom and gloom.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Strike Three
*Sigh*I've had a hard time getting up the energy to blog about this again, but I guess I want to document my journey. Maybe one day in the future (hopefully with a baby in my arms), I'll be able to look back and say, "Whew, I'm sure glad that's over. It was worth it, but man that was a bumpy ride."
Here's the skinny....
Since I responded almost too well to 75 IU of Follistim last round, Dr. K. had me start with 50 IU this round. 3 days and an ultrasound later, I had produced a lot of little follicles, but none of them were nearly the size they should have been. Dr. K. bumped the dose up to 75 IU for 2 days with an ultrasound to follow. *grumble* Now the ultrasound showed a lot of medium sized follicles, but none had "taken the lead" or were big enough to ovulate yet. So Dr. K. had me do 2 more days with 75 IU with another ultrasound to follow.
The next ultrasound showed I had a lot of large-ish follicles, but none were quite ready to ovulate again! Dr. K. decreased my Follistim dose to 37.5 IU for two days with an ultrasound to follow in hopes that a few of the follicles would finally be ready to ovulate.
By this time I could really feel it. By it I mean it was painful. It felt like someone had sucker punched me in the ovaries. Essentially they were like expanding balloons, stretching tighter and tighter. It hurt to run, it hurt to stretch, I was bloated, had diarrhea, nausea and the beginnings of a nasty headache that would last a week. Remember OHSS? I pretty much had mild/moderate symptoms of OHSS and it sucked big time.
Back at Dr. K's office I had not one, two, three, even four follicles taking the lead, I had a lot of huge-ish follicles that could potentially ovulate. I think he counted 4 follicles that would definitely ovulate and 6 more that might ovulate. Dr. K. filled us in on the potential risks (multiples) with proceeding with the IUI and gave us the option of abstaining this round. It felt like such a waste to sit this one out. A waste of money, time, and discomfort if we didn't do it. I didn't want my suffering to have been for nothing...I wanted to go for it. Theoretically we had 3-4 eggs last time that didn't "take"...maybe we would be increasing our odds.
To spare me some of the rage, Dr. K. cut my progesterone dose in half for the first five days. Ryan and I were sneaky and took a short trip to Durango to visit my sister and her family. I totally expected to feel a little bit of rage while I was there and even worried I might get short tempered with my niece and nephews, but I didn't.
Sadly, my progesterone levels after 5 days weren't high enough so Dr. K. bumped me back up to 200mg Progesterone twice a day. I expected to Hulk out on the higher dose, but I didn't. I actually felt pretty good, normal even. My ovaries weren't hurting any more, I wasn't bloated or nauseous, and my headache was gone. Finally!
As you can tell from the picture above, I took the pregnancy test on 2/22 and it was negative. WTF is an understatement. Are my eggs bad? Is my lining healthy? What is going on? Do I have a hostile uterus? I want some answers. We had felt really good about this round since I had so many follicles and didn't Hulk out. It was really hard seeing the result come back negative for a third time.
Tomorrow I am trying acupuncture for infertility. There are currently several research studies going on that have shown some favorable results. Maybe when East meets West I'll get lucky.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
Crazy
I wish I could imbed the Official video...
I'm sorry.Truthfully, I don't think I've ever had PMS, or it was so long ago that I don't remember what it is like. This is logical considering I don't menstruate and my progesterone levels have proven to be low. However, this doesn't get me off the hook. This means is that I can't blame any of my bitchiness on PMS. No scapegoat for me. Yep. I can be a bitch. For no reason at all (I'm sure I feel like there is a good reason at the time, but there usually isn't).
I'm sorry about doubting the power of hormones and subsequently PMS. Whoa! I've been humbled during the infertility process and I am in awe at how intricate and amazing the human body is and what a delicate system it is. One deficient chemical and the whole baby making process fails. I am in awe yet again.Lemme splain.
After the IUI, Dr. K. put me on 200mg Prometrium twice a day to keep my lining thick for implantation. Progesterone is an enigma...or maybe snake oil. Take your pick. I've read that it causes cancer, prevents cancer, treats menopause, initiates menses, prevents miscarriage, controls PCOS, clears skin, treats migraines as well as PMS. Some people have a wonderful time on progesterone. It increases their sex drive, helps them sleep, improves their mood, etc. However, progesterone has a dark side for some people... irritability, bloating, depression, dizziness, shortness of breath, headaches, anxiety, and on and on and on....
I've reached a whole new level of crazy with Prometrium. The dose may be higher than what an average woman produces, but nonetheless I feel like I have some serious roid rage of the Incredible Hulk variety. Throwing the fridge off the balcony kind of crazy.
Thankfully I am aware of it and don't act on theses urges, but it is incredibly frustrating to be so angry for no apparent reason. Poor Ryan. I've found I start to feel better when I talk it out, but I'm sure my rants are not fun for the listener. I try to keep myself in check and if I feel the hot rage bubbling up I try to keep my mouth shut and seek some solitude. Sometimes I think the self isolation makes the frustration even worse, but I don't know which is better.If it turns out I am pregnant (test is this Sunday) I am supposed to keep taking progesterone for 8 more weeks! I don't know if I can handle 8 more weeks of crazy, so I called Dr. K. If I am pregnant we will reevaluate my natural progesterone levels and hopefully reduce the dose...if we can.
You might want to include Ryan's survival in your prayers for us.
Do you think Ryan would get me a Great Sword for Valentines Day?
Friday, January 7, 2011
Beautiful Sunday
Hey, hey, hey it's a beautiful day...
The ultrasounds this morning looked promising with one follicle at 20mm, two at 16mm, and another at 15mm (we want them bigger than 14mm). My blood test showed that I'm not "surging" which means I'm not ovulating on my own. My estrogen levels are good, but for what ever reason my progesterone and LH are still low. This is probably why we have fertility problems. Maybe I'm able to create follicles, but I don't surge. My lining is 12-14mm (we want at least 7mm). It's nice and luxurious...perfect for a little blastocyst to snuggle down into. :)
Instead of my daily injections, tonight at 10:30pm I inject HCG to make me surge. Our IUI is scheduled for 9:30am Sunday morning!
Keep crossing your fingers, sending energy, and saying prayers!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
If at First You Don't Succeed...
We are trying again.
Since my previous round of Clomid and IUI didn't succeed and I had significant visual side effects, I can't continue to take Clomid. Following an ultrasound which showed a lot of small follicles and a blood draw for my estrogen levels, Dr. K prescribed Follistim. Things looked pretty good so Dr. K gave me to "go ahead" to start daily Follistim injections at a low dose of 75 IU. The injections really aren't bad. The sticker shock of $600 for two vials was MUCH worse.
After 3 days I went back in for another blood draw to check my estrogen levels. Too high, too high! Dr. K explained that women with PCOS have a very narrow therapeutic range with FSH injections and even a small amount can over stimulate the ovaries. If they are over stimulated the chances of becoming another octomom go up and so does the risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS)...which can be, but is rarely deadly. Yikes. We toned it down a notch and he had me reduce my injection amount to 37.5 IU each day for the next two days.
Today I went back for another ultrasound and estrogen level check. What we want to see are a few big follicles instead of a lot of little follicles. Yay! I have 2 follicles that are right where we want them and 2 more that are nearly there. That means I possibly have 4 follicles...or eggs (if they all release) that could fertilize and implant. Exciting! Although I DON'T want quadruplets or even triplets, it is exciting to know that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing! I have hope for this round. Honestly, with the last round I wasn't too hopeful since my lining was so thin, but this time I have 4 follicles AND my lining is thicker!
For the next 2 days I continue with the 37.5 IU injections and go back in for another blood draw and/or ultrasound on Friday. If things still look good then I will inject HCG to create a LH surge and do the IUI on Sunday! Looks like I might have enough Follistim for another round at this low dose. I wonder what the shelf life is if this round works. Hmmm....
Keep your fingers, toes, and eyes crossed! Say your prayers and send your energy!
Please and THANK YOU!
Since my previous round of Clomid and IUI didn't succeed and I had significant visual side effects, I can't continue to take Clomid. Following an ultrasound which showed a lot of small follicles and a blood draw for my estrogen levels, Dr. K prescribed Follistim. Things looked pretty good so Dr. K gave me to "go ahead" to start daily Follistim injections at a low dose of 75 IU. The injections really aren't bad. The sticker shock of $600 for two vials was MUCH worse.
After 3 days I went back in for another blood draw to check my estrogen levels. Too high, too high! Dr. K explained that women with PCOS have a very narrow therapeutic range with FSH injections and even a small amount can over stimulate the ovaries. If they are over stimulated the chances of becoming another octomom go up and so does the risk for Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome (OHSS)...which can be, but is rarely deadly. Yikes. We toned it down a notch and he had me reduce my injection amount to 37.5 IU each day for the next two days.
Today I went back for another ultrasound and estrogen level check. What we want to see are a few big follicles instead of a lot of little follicles. Yay! I have 2 follicles that are right where we want them and 2 more that are nearly there. That means I possibly have 4 follicles...or eggs (if they all release) that could fertilize and implant. Exciting! Although I DON'T want quadruplets or even triplets, it is exciting to know that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing! I have hope for this round. Honestly, with the last round I wasn't too hopeful since my lining was so thin, but this time I have 4 follicles AND my lining is thicker!
For the next 2 days I continue with the 37.5 IU injections and go back in for another blood draw and/or ultrasound on Friday. If things still look good then I will inject HCG to create a LH surge and do the IUI on Sunday! Looks like I might have enough Follistim for another round at this low dose. I wonder what the shelf life is if this round works. Hmmm....
Keep your fingers, toes, and eyes crossed! Say your prayers and send your energy!
Please and THANK YOU!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Don't Stop Belizing!
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know this is a little late coming, but I guess I wanted to brag a little bit about our Thanksgiving vacation to Belize.We put fertility treatments on hold and took a precious two week vacation that was long overdue. I have been bugging Ryan for the last year to travel or go backpacking but apartment managing makes it tough (nearly impossible) to go anywhere.
We met up with my sister Erin, her husband Dave, and my mom and step-dad Richard in San Pedro on Ambergris Caye. San Pedro is small...very small...verging on tiny. So it was a little funny when we got off the boat to find taxis lined up offering to drive us 2 blocks to the airport, hotel, or store. I'm not so lazy that I can't walk a little. At first it was annoying, but then I started to feel sorry for them...awful actually. I don't know if any of you suffer from this, but I have this unnatural sense of guilt when I feel others are struggling. I could probably go broke from panhandlers, tipping waiters, etc. We spent the next few days scuba diving, hitting the karoke bar and stuffing our faces with lobster quesadillas, tortillas and coconut shakes.
Sunrise
Catching a few more z's before hopping on the dive boat
I love Ricky's hat
Sharks, RN!
Notice all the coconut shakes?
I forgot the name of this game, but essentially if the chicken poops on your number you win! If you shake the chicken and blow on it's bum helps make it poop...so they say.
Our next stop was San Ignacio to visit the ATM cave where ancient Mayan offered food and human sacrifices. Then it started to rain. And rain. According to the locals it was a mild rain, but to this Utah native it was a downpour! All of the rain made it too dangerous to go into the cave since it is a "wet" cave where you have to swim in many spots. Boo! We hedged our bets hoping that the rain would stop within the next few days so we could venture into the cave. While the rest of my family took a bus across the border to Tikal (Guatemala), Ryan and I visited a near-ish dry cave with Mayan artifacts. We were hoping to do some cave tubing, but those caves were flooded too. Instead we headed to a cenote for a swim (Ryan) in the roiling brown water.
Mmmm! Termites taste like carrots!The rain didn't stop, so we all pitched in and rented a car which cost about the same as all of us paying for bus fare and would give us more freedom. We drove nearly all the way back to Belize City to go zip-lining. It was so much fun flying through the trees. I wish L.A. offered zip-lining as a form of alternate transportation.
Rio Frio Cave
Rio on PoolsThe rain lightened, but it didn't stop. We took the car for another day and drove to some waterfalls, swam at Rio on Pools (my favorite), and hiked through Rio on Frio cave. The rain had pretty much stopped, but my family was scheduled to leave the next day and it looked like we wouldn't be able to see the caves. Boo! As luck would have it one of the tour operators did a special 6am tour into the caves just for us! The water was still high so we had to do a lot of swimming. The cave was better than I remembered.
We made it out of the caves with time to spare to have lunch before saying our good-byes. Ryan and I headed back to San Ignacio and visited the Iguana zoo. Some locals have a taste for iguana eggs and meat and the population has suffered. This zoo breads them and introduces them into the wild.
The following day we took the bus to Placencia, a small beach town on a peninsula in the south. We did a couple more dives and spent Thanksgiving and the rest of our trip lounging around on the beach, eating loads of tortillas, gellato and lobster. Our dive master took us lobster fishing and cooked us up tasty curry lobster quesadillas. Mmmm...
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